we've celebrated two 1st birthdays in the last couple of weekends and at both parties, i found myself holding back tears as we sang "happy birthday". thinking back to one year ago and remembering the first time i met these two little 1 year olds, and all of the emotions i felt in those moments came flooding back to me. it was like i saw a flip book of their lives and then of course, i couldn't help but think about how much has changed in the last 12 months. one year ago, i was about 6 weeks away from meeting this brand new little life that changed mine in such a big way.

a year ago i was clueless. i was excited, optimistic, and a little scared. well, a lot scared. i can remember that i hadn't yet started our birth classes and had some doubts about attempting natural child birth. i was tired, in only a way a childless pregnant woman knows. ( i say this because i have absolutely NO idea how women go through a pregnancy with a baby or a toddler.) i found confidence in the unknown. i was insecure because of it as well. i tried to live in the moment my entire pregnancy, but i can remember that at about this point a year ago, i was focused on work. i wanted to leave things wrapped up in a perfect bow. i had a hard time imagining being able to just "shut work off" because well, i never had before. i had so many questions that were unanswered, so many expectations for myself, and so many hopes and dreams for that little perfect person inside me.

i was absolutely no way ready for what was about to happen to my life, but the best thing about that is knowing there is absolutely no way in hell anyone really can be. you can prepare for what you think it might be, but there really is no way of knowing how you will feel, what you will think, and what becoming a mother really means. (there's also some things NO ONE tells you because they block that shit out and / or the adrenaline protects the brain from remembering! i happen to recall quite a few of those things -- perhaps i'll write a blog on that later -- "what they don't tell you about childbirth!") i love thinking about how much i've changed and grown as a person when i see myself in those pictures. i love thinking about the friends in my life that are about to experience this for the first time too. you are all going to be the most amazing mamas. i've known most of you for at least half my life and have truly enjoyed watching you prepare for what's to come. continue to cherish this time, and trust me when i say, it really does just get better and better. trust your bodies, and even more importantly than that, trust in who you are - you have so much to offer that little life inside you.

i found this little gem of a picture. this was taken at 6am on 11.11.11. i remember thinking how big his head looked (and how huge my boob was pouring out the side of my shirt). of all the things you feel after childbirth, sexy is not one of them. case in point. (as if you needed someone to tell you that.) but you are happy.

and deliriously tired.

and engorged.

and in need of a shower because you are sticky and smell like spit up.

and probably wearing a diaper, just like your baby.

you're welcome.

they can't eat you

it's all about perspective, folks. we have good days, and bad days. days that are harder, and days that are easier. [how profound.]

in the end, it all comes out in the wash. 

you didn't go to medical school for a reason. no one is going to die. 

and my personal favorite: they can't eat you. 

[thanks to my love for this one.]

the harder days have out numbered the easier ones these days, but at the end of the day i come home to a family that gives me perspective. meet my light at the end of the tunnel.

we all need a light at the end of the tunnel. go hug yours. and if you don't have one, go find one. like, now. 

(see this face? this face kills me - he's seen this book about 100 times in the last several weeks, but yesterday it was like he was seeing it for the first time. it was perfect. and just what i needed.) 

dear wyatt >> 10 months

little love,

you are already 10 months old and i know i sound like a broken record in these letters now. but i can't believe how quickly time is flying by. you are our bright light, the good news in every day, our constant "pick me up". we are so lucky.

you are fun. and funny. and so incredibly smart. i know you are going to do amazing things with your life. you are curious, and excited. you are observant and borderline nosey. i love it. i find myself staring at you a lot. trying to see things through your eyes as much as i can. i am on the edge of my seat these days, watching you learn and take everything in around you. i love the reaction on your face when you hear the puppies bark down stairs, or how your eyes light up when you hear the garage door open and know that means daddy is home. it's obvious you love other kids, especially hearing their little voices as you hear them play. you love chasing your shadows and watching the wind blow the trees (you obviously got this from your older sister, maddie girl). in fact, your first big "word"is "buh". which means "blow". you want to watch us blow at your mobile so every time we come into your room that's the first thing you do - look to your airplane mobile and say "buh, buh... buh" until we acknowledge you and your sweet words and say it back. it's pretty much perfect.

you are eager to move - already so independent. the back arches are frequent these days. you want down. you crawl fast. you are determined in everything you do. you are confident. i am seeing this a lot in the bath tub these days. you aren't afraid.

i see so many of these traits becoming part of your foundation. i flash forward to thoughts of you as a young man, sitting across from me at the dining room table with a girlfriend and me repeating the same stories about you - how perfectly adorable and fun and smart and observant you were when you were a baby... and how i knew you would do such amazing things with your life even before you were walking. she'll look at me like i am "that mom" and even if she's annoyed with me, i hope she appreciates how loved you are. she'll be lucky to know you. we all are.

"while we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." -- angela schwindt. i saw this quote on a cute little wall hanging last weekend while we were out and about with you in snohomish. it's so true. you are this innocent little person, already teaching us so much. you have just as much to teach us, as you have to learn little guy.

we love you. (understatement of the century.)

photo credits: daddy of the year.

i think i get mrs. duggar

:: my most favorite bump shot, at 25 weeks ::

i used to watch "meet the duggars" and think, "oh hell no". but i think i am actually starting to figure this lady out.

i think she's addicted to the smell and yumminess of a newborn. that coupled with all of the coolness associated with being pregnant. such an indescribable thing creating life, protecting it, and owning that amazing bump.

i saw a newborn at starbucks this week that was a week old, griffin. same exact size and birth weight of my little nug when he was born. i could NOT believe how tiny he was. holy you know what. i instantly felt my ovaries twitch. was i? am i? could i be? ready? again?

:: exactly 1 week old here, just like little griffin ::

it only took about 3 seconds until i smacked myself silly with my laptop charger.

how quickly i forget: that newborn shit is hard.

it's no surprise to any of you when i say, i really loved being pregnant. and i love being a mama. pretty much more than anything. more than hot chocolate cake with betty crocker frosting even. yah, that much. whenever i can't settle my brain at night i always think back to that first week. the scariness of it all is a distant memory, but everything i loved about giving birth, meeting our little guy, and integrating him into our life that first week is vivid, clear happiness.

:: this was 3 days in, right after he projectile barfed on the bed with annie and i :: 

a note for my hubby, the pups, and my good friend and boss, jenn: don't fret. that laptop cord left a mark.

calling all friends that don't have children under 10 months, perhaps my ovaries are twitching for you. get on it. i need my newborn fix, pronto! (i can easily name three of you!)