If you were to ask me 5 years ago, when I wrote Summer's birth story, if I thought that I would ever write another birth story again, you would have heard me say "hell no, I am absolutely never doing THAT again!".  Summer's birth was hard on me - physically for obvious reasons, but mentally as well. Doing "THAT" again wasn't in the cards. When we decided to go for a third baby, I knew that I'd never have "THAT" kind of birth again. While it was a natural water birth with the most amazing team ever, I was in a mindset I never wanted to be in again. I did a lot of things differently leading up to Shelby's birth to help me create a new and unique experience. One where I wouldn't find myself comparing her story to Wyatt's or Summer's, but to create one that was uniquely ours.

Before I get into my actual labor, I just want to hit on a couple of important things that helped me prepare for this birth. Leading up to Shelby's birth we met with my incredible birth team at Eastside Birth Center in Bellevue, WA. Monthly visits prepared me emotionally to let go of the elements of birth that are outside of my control, and to grab onto the things that absolutely were. We decided to plan for a home birth, with the intention that changing my environment would make for an immediate differentiator. We talked about things that I had buried deep for years, and fears that crept up were addressed and processed so that I could continue staying in the positive head space I had wanted to be in this time around. Choosing a birth team that you connect with is truly the most important step in working towards having the birth you want. Feeling heard, respected, and loved throughout your journey to your labor day makes for the most incredible birth experience. I really believe that. The second most important decision you'll make when planning for the birth you want is to hire yourself a doula. My doula, Kristin Dibeh, has 20 years of experience, yet treats every pregnancy, mother, labor and baby as it's own individual experience. I love that about her. I took her birth preparedness class before I had Wyatt almost 7 years ago, and used her incredible book, Expecting Kindness this time to get myself ready. It's her entire lesson plan in writing. Genius. Kristin knows me well, and insisted we have a few chats before labor day. Looking back, I am pretty sure she sensed there may be a deeper hesitation in me that she didn't want to creep in on labor day. She was right. I was completely doubting my why. I had lost it. I had forgotten why it was that I wanted a home birth. Why did I decide to take the hard route, and go unmedicated? Why didn't I just go to the hospital and get an epidural and numb myself from these feelings of pain? When she and I talked, about 2 weeks before she was able to pull this out of me. She's that good, I tell ya. What she told me is something I will never forget. I wasn't choosing the 'hard route'. Birth is hard. No matter how you slice it. It's painful. No matter how you slice it. Unmedicated birth might be painful in the moment, and less so after. Medicated births might be less so in the moment, and more so after. Each birth is different, and there is no easy way out. One way isn't harder or easier when it comes to experiencing pain. That was pivotal in helping me to recall my why. I wanted to experience every piece of my births. I wasn't afraid of pain. And I could do it. I would do it. I did do it.

The week leading up to my due date I knew that Chris, the midwife that had attended both Wyatt and Summer's births was going to be on vacation and off call over Memorial Day weekend. We both thought I'd hold out until she was back but that Friday before Memorial Day, I knew things were kicking up. I was having contractions inconsistently and they were super manageable but things were changing. That Friday was the best day. I worked a bit in the morning before grabbing a few groceries at Trader Joe's and having lunch with Ty at Cactus, one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We were able to talk about what was to come, and walk around town and head home before he went to get the kids from school. I napped and snuck over to visit my brother, sister in law, and baby niece knowing it would be the last visit I'd get for awhile just me. It was so special. That night after the kids went to bed, Ty and I got cozy and watched a movie, while I ignored subtle contractions, before heading to bed. I fell asleep wondering if these little inconsistent contractions would change into something more serious. At 6am that next morning, May 26th, I woke up to pee and saw my bloody show. Instantly I knew this was it, as this had been a sign in my first two births, and that Chris would miss it. I called my doula and considered doing what I could to 'hold off' until Monday when Chris was back but decided that wasn't a way to meet our baby. I'd let this baby take the lead and we'd meet him or her soon enough. (To this day, I still can't believe we didn't find out the gender!) The day was pretty laid back once we had the big kids picked up by my father in law around 10:30am. It was obvious I couldn't really get to work until they were gone. From there, Ty and I grabbed lunch at Taco Time (still dying at this choice) and headed to Fred Meyer because I realized I didn't have any white newborn onesies. Urgent need, right? LOL. We went home, and napped from about 1:30-3:30 and around 4 asked my best friend/soul sister/soul mate Annie to head over. We also asked our amazing birth photographer/videographer, Jessica of One Tree Photography to make her way to us.

Annie showed up with dinner and such contagious energy. Annie is so many things to me. She always knows just what I need and having her there made me feel so in the moment and excited to be doing this again. She is an incredible friend and instantly puts me at ease in any situation. She also brings an element of inappropriateness that I desperately love and need at all times. I wish I could remember all of her little comments and jokes that she so perfectly brings to all occasions. Shelby's birth was no different.

Ty filled the tub, and his wine glass, and was just everything I needed him to be that day. He's always everything I need him to be. I know he wasn't always excited about a home birth, but he trusted me and he knew to support me on this one. That day, he rose to the occasion, as usual. 

My sweet Mama and my birth team arrived around 7pm, and that's when things really started to change. I wasn't totally sure if asking them to come was the right call, but once they arrived I was able to let go and allow myself to really start focusing on getting this baby out! Kat, the midwife on call was so sweet and fantastic from the second she walked in. She was a huge differentiator and played a role in making this birth it's own very special birth. We had dinner and laughed a lot. They enjoyed wine with their pasta, while I chowed. It was a Saturday night dinner party. Except I was having a baby, on display in my underwear.

After I happily gobbled up my dinner, I decided I needed a change of scenery so we made our way upstairs. I labored around our bathroom with Annie for a few and saw a warm filled birth tub and wanted to get in. The contractions were getting harder, and it felt like a good time to give it a whirl. I think the next hour or so was probably my favorite part of the night. I was so in the moment with my crew. In between contractions, I laughed with them and smiled, and just enjoyed being present with them. It felt so easy to have a room full of people watching me, for whatever reason. And it was a full room. We had Ty, my mom, Annie, Kat, Kristin, Jessica, and a couple of birth assistants. Oh and Ben, our sweet pup who didn't want to leave my side. 

At around 10pm, Kat asked to check me. I knew I was having way too much fun and the chances that I'd have to get my ass out of the tub and actually do something to get this babe out were very high. I decided that getting checked was a good idea just so I wasn't in the tub without much change for longer than I needed to be. With the help of my doula Kristin, we asked that I get checked but that no actual number be shared. I didn't want that to discourage me, but could definitely handle being told that I should hop out and work a little harder for a bit to bring on some more change. From the pictures and video, I can see that I was feeling a little deflated but I honestly don't remember it. I just remember owning it and getting out and getting it done. Around this time, my dad arrived. I just loved that he was there. (He waited and worried downstairs the majority of the time and made his way up for the actual birth.) I walked the stairs quite a bit, took breaks with Ty at the bottom and top, threw up in there somewhere, and soon found myself on the bed trying a new position that absolutely killed. Laying down during active labor is not awesome. The contractions and breaks between were both long. I took advantage of the breaks and probably only had about 5 in that position before getting up and doing this weird leg up on the bed position. As awkward and as painful as that was, it created change and I was immediately in the bathroom throwing up again. This is when I felt really bad for myself. I remember sobbing while doing the two things I hate most in life - throwing up and contracting. Not the best combination, but probably took me into a form of transition. I really don't know when I went into transition honestly, but looking back on this moment and it's intensity I believe this could have been it. That said, it was still over an hour and a half until I met my baby. I got into the shower, and let my body take advantage of being upright. I swayed, and moaned, and let the hot water beat against my back and belly. I found a rhythm where I'd face the water during a break, and turn my back to the water during a contraction. I moved through these for awhile and waited for the birth tub to get refilled.  

At around 12:30am, I made my way back in the tub. This was when my experience stands out as unique and different from Wyatt and Summer's, physically. With Wyatt, the change from contractions to pushing was distinct. It was obvious. It was a relief. It was exciting. With Summer, the change was fast and my body was moving so quickly that my head couldn't keep up. This time, with each contraction that last hour, it would evolve into a push. It was like half a contraction, and half a push.  For a really long time. It confused me. It felt long, and drawn out. I got breaks between that were long enough for me to analyze and at one point Kat kicked everyone out just so Ty and I could be in the dark together without an audience. When everyone left, we looked into each other's eyes as I squatted and I just processed out loud. He listened, always so patiently. I decided to lay on my back and just accept the pain as it was and give in. In a matter of minutes my sounds changed, and everyone was back in the room and the lights were on. With a contraction or two, I felt enormous pressure.  It was indescribable beyond that. Huge, intense, pressure. A pop later, I knew my water had broken. It felt like forever at that point, but it was only 6 minutes later that her head was out. Her head was out, and I knew in that moment the worst of it was over. I leaned over, and just waited. I waited for the next contraction where I knew my baby would be out. I just laid there in my doula's arms as she stroked my hair. I took my breaths. I heard nothing but my breath. About a minute later, on May 27th at 1:38am according to my mama and 1:40 according to my birth team, my baby was out and in my arms and all I could do was beg for help to get her into my arms so I could see her face. She was caked in vernix around her back and bootie. We waited another 6 minutes before learning her gender and it was the most glorious 6 minutes. Just looking at her, smelling her, touching her, and enjoying her - all before knowing she was a her. In that moment, her gender didn't matter. I was so in love. I was so proud of us. All of us. We did it. Each and every one of us in that room, and her. We did it. She was there, safe and beautiful and breathing and crying. Perfectly born in our home, just as I had imagined for the last 9 months.

I felt she was a girl the whole time I was pregnant, but of course, you have to prepare for both because you don't know know until they are in your arms. It was a magical moment and I'm so thankful that it's on video because watching it back and seeing my reaction is so special. She looked exactly like Summer to me the moment I saw her. Even then, I didn't know she was girl until we looked. I just knew, that whatever she was, she looked just like her big sister. I love looking back on that moment knowing it really didn't matter at all. We told the room her name, Shelby, and that we were still not totally sure on her middle name. (We decided on her middle name a few hours after everyone left.)

Ty did skin to skin next, and I waited to birth my placenta which ended up being almost as dramatic as Shelby's birth. (It took forever to come out, which lead to clots and bleeding that could have lead to a hospital visit if my body wouldn't have gotten it's act together. Luckily it did, and all was fine after a pitocin drip and some aggressive massaging.)

Everyone except for me knew she was huge at just the sight of her, the second she came out. Apparently her back fat gave that away! I didn't really piece together why it was so long and hard to push her out, but she was huge at almost 10 pounds. (Wyatt was 7 pounds 12 oz, and Summer was 8 and half pounds for reference.) When we learned her weight, 9 pounds 12 oz, I don't think anyone thought she'd be that big. The guesses were around 9 pounds, max. She was 21.5 inches long.

Having Shelby at home was the best decision for me. Her birth was so incredibly healing after feeling like such a negative version of myself during Summer's birth. I felt positive and in the moment the entire time. I felt her birth physically (obviously - hot damn, she was massive) and emotionally. I was in the right headspace, and each person there was strong for me the entire time. They were there, breathing with me. (One of my most favorite parts of the video is when Annie is literally breathing with me.) They never left me, they never doubted me, and they worked dang hard to make sure I didn't doubt me either. They reminded me what I was capable of, and they encouraged me to trust my body. Without them, the most amazing team, this birth wouldn't have been exactly what I needed it to be. I will always look back on Shelby's birth as uniquely ours, with so many familiar and special elements to her sister and brother's births, but her very own individual and magical story. 

Welcome to the world, Shelby Kate. Our surprise baby. You've changed the game, sister. We love you more than we'll ever be able to tell you because it was actually YOU that completed our family. It was always YOU that we've been waiting for. Thank you for choosing us to be yours forever. 

You can watch Shelby's birth video here and hopefully together this post and the video bring her beautiful birth to life for you. 

mother's day - a letter to my third

oh sweet baby, we're close. really close.

and this mother's day, i've gotten to spend a lot of time with just you while you hiccup and find what little room is left inside me to get cozy. it's such a beautiful day and i've found myself just slowing down today and thinking about what it's going to be like when you are here. i've done this two other times, you know. but each time, it's a little different. the prep, the waiting, the reflecting, the anxiety, the excitement, the unknown. there is so much we don't know. who you are, what you'll be like, look like, cry like, smile like, laugh like. the biggest question that is yet to be answered is are you a boy or a girl?! i still can't believe we never found out. i think the moment i think about the most is those first few seconds after you come out, and you're slippery little body is snuggled into my chest, and your legs are so tightly curled up and i have to find the energy to peel you away to see what's down there. i absolutely can't wait to learn your gender. not only do i get a beautiful baby as this incredible gift after working harder than ever to bring you here, we get the best surprise of our life when we meet you for the first time. talk about motivation to get through labor as quickly as possible.

i am nervous for only one thing about your arrival - and it's just that. getting you here. i don't know why i am so nervous for labor. i've done this twice and i know what to expect. but that's just it, i know what to expect, and i know it's damn hard. but i can do hard. i know that. we will do hard, little one. i am working to remind myself that i am strong, i am in control, and i that i trust you and my body. there are certain things that really helped me with your brother and sister - and those things had a lot to do with working with each wave or contraction and taking advantage of them to get you guys here as efficiently as possible. and my absolute favorite - to truly let my monkey do it. which means, to let go and lean into what i'm experiencing vs. fight it. accepting that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and taking on each wave, one at a time, is letting my monkey do it. i know it's all about mindset and if i stay in control of my headspace, staying focused on my thoughts and my breath we will do this and it will be beautiful.

you are already magical to me. i breath in and you respond to me every time. your little feet kick out to my right side, and i can rub them and tap them and you are always there to connect with me. we have a special relationship already. you are my last. i have soaked in this pregnancy because of that very reason - i don't want to forget anything about it. i know i haven't written to you as often as i did with Wyatt and Summer, but sweet thing - you are my memories. this pregnancy with you is what i will remember the easiest. the morning sickness, the predictable movement, the position you were in for so long with your head down, back and butt to the left and feet completely kicked to the right of me making me look so crookedly shaped. the heartburn. the hiccups. the bad sleep. the constant middle of the night snacks. the peeing. the baths. your daddy and the kids loving on you inside there, so curious about what you are going to be like once you are here. you are already so loved. it's a gift knowing you are our last because i have really felt so lucky and blessed to cherish every single moment, even the not so fun moments this time around. perhaps, just maybe, writing this to you is helping me prepare for your labor. it's the last time - and there's never been a time i've felt more connected to my body, more proud of myself, and more secure in the life your daddy and i have created together than experiencing labor and bringing a new perfect person into this world. that's why i do labor the way i do. i want to feel it. i am not afraid of it. let's do this.

we are so ready to meet you. we're two weeks away from our due date munchkin. i'm enjoying our last bit of time together 'like this' but you can bet you are going to love it out here. you've got lots of hands, some smaller than others, ready to love on you.

keep cookin' love. i trust you.

your mama.

third time's a charm

It was right after I posted my last post, about date night, that I took a pregnancy test with Ty. I wrote that post to kill time, as I waited to hear him walk through the front door, with the tests in hand. We debated on taking it after date night, for obvious reasons. Wouldn't it be better to have one more night out that included wine? But I couldn't wait. There's something about a pregnancy test. You see one, and you just have to pee on it immediately. Whether I was or wasn't, it would be good for us to use the time to process whatever the results were. We'd been working on a third baby for the last several months. I'd seen a few negative tests over the past 6 months, but it wasn't until the summer that we decided to get serious.  I knew that if I saw a negative test this time, I'd be bummed. I just felt it in my gut that I was. I wasn't technically late yet, so the only thing I relied on was that did everything we could to get pregnant that cycle. Ty and I looked at each other and got pregnant with Wyatt and Summer. It took no effort whatsoever. This time around was different.

Ty barely got his coat off before I was frantically unwrapping the test and getting myself situated in the bathroom downstairs. I peed. We waited. It looked like it was going to be negative, so I walked out and handed it to him alluding to that. "So weird. It looks negative. I'm surprised." He took it back into the bathroom and set it on the counter and by the time he did that, the plus sign was appearing. It was most definitely a positive. And it was no different this time around. We were shocked. It worked. We made a baby. The next few hours were surreal and we just looked at each other and laughed most of our dinner, dying over the fact that were doing this again. How much fun it was going to be to watch the kids do this with us. Having them be apart of this next chapter was, and still is, the icing on the cake.

At exactly 6 weeks pregnant, I immediately felt like shit. I was so sick until about 17 or 18 weeks, and truly didn't feel the second trimester relief until around 22 weeks. I had all day sickness and while I was so relieved to have such obvious symptoms, it also plain sucked. I learned it's ok to feel shitty and gratitude simultaneously. I wasn't this sick with Wyatt or Summer, and heard from many that the hormones just take over a little more with each pregnancy and the sickness can be worse with each one. That was definitely my case.

We heard the heartbeat on Wyatt's birthday, and that night we told the kids, with our family there as witness, the big news. This news was standing in the way of Wyatt and his birthday gifts, so needless to say it was onto the next thing pretty quickly after it was shared. We had our first ultrasound on November 15th, and saw a real baby in there, making the sickness feel even more worth it all.  I felt little flutters on Christmas, and felt legit baby movement on New Year's Eve. On January 10th at 10am we had our 20 week ultrasound, and looked away when Dawn (only the best tech ever!) scanned for the gender. Ty felt a real kick for the first time when we celebrated his birthday with a little staycation on January 26th.

I've really tried to stay in a positive headspace this pregnancy. There is something about knowing it's the last time, for real, that I'll be pregnant. I'm trying to be easier on myself about body image stuff. I eat what I want and I don't think much of it. Now at 29 weeks (tomorrow), I can truly say I love the way I'm looking and feeling. The babe moves constantly which is so reassuring. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this birth, which we plan to do at home this time given we had really straightforward experiences at the birth center with both Wyatt and Summer. I'd rather just stick home and do my thing, vs. get in the car to hop into a tub just like the one we have at home. I've been practicing some hypnobirthing techniques which I think will help me stay and feel more in control this time. I felt anything but in control when I had Summer, and I really want to focus on having a labor more like Wyatt's this time. Focused, calm, in control, and confident are all things I long to feel this time.

We really have no idea what to expect when this baby arrives but we already know there's room in our hearts for one more little person to love and learn from. Here's to the next three months of finding balance in knowing change is coming, while enjoying things exactly as they are for just a bit longer.

plural.

we're creeping up on 37 weeks along, and for some reason i'm feeling more at peace today than i have this entire pregnancy. so interesting. it's a gorgeous day, my sweet baby boy is napping, and i'm outside alone with my laptop. i have already squeezed a nap in of my own today, along with an ice cream bar. seriously, the ice cream bars. i know that this ridiculous "need" for ice cream on a daily basis is going to have to cease. i can't continue on like this for long. the ice cream bars, the cinnamon toast crunch, the menchies, the ben & jerry's, the cookies have been such dear friends the last few weeks especially. oh how i'll miss thee.

oh and the black beans. i eat so many fricking beans. you. can. imagine. right? (poor ty.)

it really is such a gorgeous day. i can feel myself getting more and more ready for change. a change of pace is just around the corner - and while it will be crazy and wild and stressful at times (most of the time?), it will be time spent at home, time spent with my littles. my littles. plural. what?! i am going to have kids. not just one, but two. kids. plural.

sometimes i find myself really taking it all in. we've been this party of three for 20 months now - 20 months today, actually. 20 months ago, i was just getting into active labor. annie and my mom had just gotten here, ty was packing the cooler, and the room was spinning around me. i couldn't sit still through contractions. i can remember having annie or my mom go upstairs to get my face wash. i had makeup on, and i could just feel it smearing down my face with every wave. or rush. whatever it is i am supposed to think of contractions like... i could barely wash my face, the contractions seemed so close together. i was inside my head, but for one brief second every now and again, i'd open my eyes to screen the room to see what was going on around me. life was going on around me, and it was all happening. i can remember my water breaking and going through the day not really "getting it". i was about to have a baby. life was about to change. i just didn't really realize how much.

this time, i feel like i realize how much life is going to change. i think what i might be doing though is underestimating how much it won't. i'm hoping that the moment i see our girl, i feel that feeling of total completeness. like, "ok - here she is. here's our girl. she completes our family." and we go home, we see wyatt and hug him and kiss him and love him. he meets summer, and he smiles. he smiles big. he is proud. i hope i see that little smirk that's been melting me these days. the smirk that tells us he's feeling pretty big time. i want it to just be us. the four of us. i don't want him to feel overwhelmed, or shy.

we saw a family on the 4th of july. the dad was sitting with his little girl, and the mom was wearing a brand new little girl. she looked so incredibly tiny. wyatt kept pointing and saying "be bee" "be bee" "be bee" and we'd acknowledge that there was in fact a baby over there. what's funny is he didn't even see the newborn wrapped so tightly against her mama. he was completely and utterly amused by the little girl. as we left, we said hello to the family. what do ya know, the little girl was exactly 20 months old, and that teeny tiny newborn was 2 weeks old. of course, i had to immediately ask, "so how is that going for you?" her response, "actually really good. so much better than i thought. it can be done. trust me." oh lady, you don't even know how badly i needed to hear you say that. she went on to say that she might have played it up in her head a bit too much. worried more than she needed to. that it all works itself out.

i'm choosing to trust this lady i don't know. because i need to.

which brings me to today. my peaceful perfect saturday. one of the last before we meet our little chicky poo. i've been spending every night in the tub, reading my Ina May books. those dang birth stories get me every time. this time, i feel like i really know what these ladies are talking about when they describe their experiences. the rushes, the panic, the empowerment, the trust, the love.

the joy. i can't wait to feel that pure joy, knowing that i am done with the hardest thing i've ever done and that the little person i've loved but never met is here and in my arms. the natural high that compares to nothing.

that moment that is everything.

those moments. plural. meeting my littles are those moments.

today i remember, life is about those moments that are everything. the moments that compare to nothing.

ty sent this to me not that long ago. this was on his phone, the first picture he took after wyatt was born.
i may have two chins (just goes along with the plural theme), but i love everything about it.
the candles in the back ground, the flash light i know my mom is holding, his little face and that cry.
that strong, healthy, cry i had been longing to hear.
but dude, those chins... 

speed up, slow down, speed up...

never have i felt so torn. i want time to speed up, just as badly as i want it to slow down. this age, 19 months, is pretty much perfect. i know i say that every month, but i am in love with my bug and every little thing he is doing these days. he's learning every second of every day. such a little sponge. he tries to say so many words. he's naming things (i.e. his binky is "gingkee" - and as scared as i am that he is now naming this thing, it's seriously the cutest thing when he says it. bad, bad, bad.), he watches us like hawks, he has a sense of humor... the list goes on and on. i am in love with him. obsessed. psychotic really.

it's hard sometimes knowing that things are going to change so much in no time. i mean, we're 6 weeks away from my due date. 6 weeks. and i am so ready to not be pregnant anymore and meet our baby girl. beyond ready. i look at wyatt's little face and it's hard knowing he's going to share our center. at the same time, i can't worry about any negative impact that might have because let's get real - people have second babies all the freaking time. having siblings is a true blessing and i know wyatt is going to be such an amazing big brother. i base this on how he's been with his buddies, and the dogs lately. so interested, and curious, and happy to see them. i think (i hope) he's too little to really notice the shift that will happen around him has anything to do with SJ. i know he will love her. i can already hear myself saying "gentle hands" to him a million times a day as he tries to cozy her. that is when my heart will explode, knowing how badly he wants to show her love.

what's odd to me is this whole concept of your heart just "expanding" when you have a second baby. i feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest already. how in the world can it possibly get any bigger than it already is? i can't wait for that feeling. when i finally say, "ah, i get it" just like i did when i had wyatt. i get the crazy moms out there that would do anything for their kiddos. the mama bears. i am one.

this pregnancy has gone relatively fast, largely because of my busy toddler that constantly has me enamored (and running around exhausted might i add). it's been hard too. (a little scare this weekend put things into perspective -- thought she wasn't moving like normal friday night and into saturday morning. tried eating and drinking milk, then OJ, tried music, and laying down and continued to wait for my sweet girl to bounce around, but notta... we called our midwife and she thought it would be best for us to go to the hospital and do a quick non-stress test. i'd like to say i was calm and not worried, but i would be lying. i was scared. but the moment we heard that perfect heartbeat, i knew everything was fine. most importantly, i knew i needed to relax. and to put things in perspective. my health, her little well being are more important than many of the things i've worried about lately. done.)

i can't wait for her to be here. in my arms, pink bodied, cold nosed. i can't wait to tell her "happy birthday" and for her to hear me say how much i love her. i can't wait to look around the room and lock eyes with the people that got me through it all. i can't wait to not be in labor anymore. oh man. not sure why, but the idea of doing that again is freaking me out a bit. i know i can do it. and i know how incredibly worth it all is when i am done. how crazy empowered and in love i feel - with my new babe, with my husband, and simply - life in general. life doesn't get better than that moment. true, raw, genuine happiness. the realest there is. the best. that's my motivation. i'm also really hoping things go fast and that i have another "beetlejuice" experience (i.e. no ring of fire, and when her head pops out, i feel like it was a mini head... like i did with wyatt). pray for me.

i've been thinking a lot about delivery day. and i can't not think of that day and picture my best friend there. annie has been apart of every big moment of my life. she just so happens to be due with her little man 6 days before i am due with sj. 6 days. you read that right. so the odds are interesting here. it just feels like one of us will miss one of the births. but, let us pray. again.

so many things on this mind of mine. i feel like i could write forever. slow down time, let me enjoy these moments. but Good Lord, speed up so i can no longer feel like an energy-less, moody, sensitive, large and in charge, beached whale.

the end.