Sweet girl, how in the world are we here, 365 days since we first locked eyes? I haven't seemed to really put my head around any of this. Yet, here we are. Time is funny like that. You'll experience this when you have your own tiny one someday. You have zero control over how quickly things move, and time will never fly so fast than it will when you start your family. Someone once told me it's like sand in your hands, this time of our life. They were right. It slips so fast I can't catch it and the best way I know how is to be as present as possible. You'll notice I haven't written to you has much, or at all, the last 12 months like I did with your sister and brother. I made a choice around 3 months with you to write less, and live more. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for that. I was so intimidated as a new mom with both Wyatt and Summer that I found comfort writing about my feelings to them in my downtime, rather than being more present in real time. With you, I wanted to feel it, live it, see it, more. You are quite possibly, almost definitely, our last baby. There is something about knowing that, combined with doing this a third time, that helped me experience you differently. From pregnancy, birth, to now at the first year mark. I will remember things differently with you, and funny enough that has kind of been the goal since the second we found out we were pregnant with you. I wanted everything to be different. I wanted to be different. And while you're the 'reason', Wyatt and Summer have benefited from you in this department as well. They've experienced me differently because of you. You're like this heat that warms us. You're the center, the fire, of our family right now. You don't even know how much you've taught all of us already.

Your personality is so damn funny. We see you as this opinionated, silly, vocal, little person. There's never a moment we don't know how you are feeling. One second you are calm and kicked back, and seconds later you can change on a dime and show us you are busy and present and loud. You love attention, but you love your space. (Very hard to come by, by the way!) You want to be around us and touched and cuddled, but you also want to be moving, and doing everything yourself.

At one, you are kind of sort of saying Mama, you blow bubbles, and you are taking about 8 steps at a time. You dance and sing (currently T-Swift is your fave), and stand and shake your booty. You love your chairs, food (anything, really but especially raspberries), you poop on schedule every day at 5am (not my favorite thing about you, I admit), and you nap and go to bed like a pro. Your thumbs are your BFF, and you love water and climbing the stairs.

You are smart and super aware of what's going on around you. You see and then you do. It's pretty impressive how you pick up on things happening around you. You are confident and spirited, and you love your people. And we sure love you.

Here's to all you are, and all you'll be little one. Thank you for choosing us. You're everything and more when we dreamed about you. You are our dream come true.

Happiest first birthday to you, and here's to many more to come.

Love,
Mama

mother's day - a letter to my third

oh sweet baby, we're close. really close.

and this mother's day, i've gotten to spend a lot of time with just you while you hiccup and find what little room is left inside me to get cozy. it's such a beautiful day and i've found myself just slowing down today and thinking about what it's going to be like when you are here. i've done this two other times, you know. but each time, it's a little different. the prep, the waiting, the reflecting, the anxiety, the excitement, the unknown. there is so much we don't know. who you are, what you'll be like, look like, cry like, smile like, laugh like. the biggest question that is yet to be answered is are you a boy or a girl?! i still can't believe we never found out. i think the moment i think about the most is those first few seconds after you come out, and you're slippery little body is snuggled into my chest, and your legs are so tightly curled up and i have to find the energy to peel you away to see what's down there. i absolutely can't wait to learn your gender. not only do i get a beautiful baby as this incredible gift after working harder than ever to bring you here, we get the best surprise of our life when we meet you for the first time. talk about motivation to get through labor as quickly as possible.

i am nervous for only one thing about your arrival - and it's just that. getting you here. i don't know why i am so nervous for labor. i've done this twice and i know what to expect. but that's just it, i know what to expect, and i know it's damn hard. but i can do hard. i know that. we will do hard, little one. i am working to remind myself that i am strong, i am in control, and i that i trust you and my body. there are certain things that really helped me with your brother and sister - and those things had a lot to do with working with each wave or contraction and taking advantage of them to get you guys here as efficiently as possible. and my absolute favorite - to truly let my monkey do it. which means, to let go and lean into what i'm experiencing vs. fight it. accepting that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and taking on each wave, one at a time, is letting my monkey do it. i know it's all about mindset and if i stay in control of my headspace, staying focused on my thoughts and my breath we will do this and it will be beautiful.

you are already magical to me. i breath in and you respond to me every time. your little feet kick out to my right side, and i can rub them and tap them and you are always there to connect with me. we have a special relationship already. you are my last. i have soaked in this pregnancy because of that very reason - i don't want to forget anything about it. i know i haven't written to you as often as i did with Wyatt and Summer, but sweet thing - you are my memories. this pregnancy with you is what i will remember the easiest. the morning sickness, the predictable movement, the position you were in for so long with your head down, back and butt to the left and feet completely kicked to the right of me making me look so crookedly shaped. the heartburn. the hiccups. the bad sleep. the constant middle of the night snacks. the peeing. the baths. your daddy and the kids loving on you inside there, so curious about what you are going to be like once you are here. you are already so loved. it's a gift knowing you are our last because i have really felt so lucky and blessed to cherish every single moment, even the not so fun moments this time around. perhaps, just maybe, writing this to you is helping me prepare for your labor. it's the last time - and there's never been a time i've felt more connected to my body, more proud of myself, and more secure in the life your daddy and i have created together than experiencing labor and bringing a new perfect person into this world. that's why i do labor the way i do. i want to feel it. i am not afraid of it. let's do this.

we are so ready to meet you. we're two weeks away from our due date munchkin. i'm enjoying our last bit of time together 'like this' but you can bet you are going to love it out here. you've got lots of hands, some smaller than others, ready to love on you.

keep cookin' love. i trust you.

your mama.