when summer was a week old, i knew that her very presence was going to change my way of thinking. about family. about my priorities. my marriage. my career. i remember writing her birth story and getting to the very end, and writing "you've answered questions i didn't know i had". that sentence right there was it. the moment i woke up and realized that things were going to be different for me. right then. right there. because i needed them to be. 

i recently made a call to change my path. the path i was on was great - for us financially, for my career. on paper, it was what i always wanted. a great job, with a great company, with amazing people. people i consider family. i cared so incredibly much about what i did there every day. so much so, i found myself caring more about my accomplishments at work then i did about my accomplishments at home. i battled hard to be "in the moment" in meetings, during 1:1s, on conference calls all day long. but when i got home, i found it relatively easy to check my phone constantly during dinner for just "one more" response back to an email. or during bath time, getting frustrated with wyatt if his splashing interfered with a text conversation i was having about a project at work. all of that came first. 

i've asked myself why a lot on that. why was it so hard for me to let go. draw lines. create boundaries. set expectations. the only real answer i can come to is this - it fulfilled me to do well there. i didn't want to let anyone down. i felt good working through professional challenges. i enjoyed supporting people and their professional careers. i loved the people i worked with. 

as i reflected that week summer was born, i came to a couple of pretty rough conclusions. as much as i cared about my work, i didn't really like who i was becoming. not only there, but mostly at home. i didn't really like the mom i was - on the weeknights especially (i tended to rally ok on the weekends - turning email off on my phone on friday afternoons and not turning it back on until sunday night). absent, distracted, impatient. it wasn't who i imagined myself to be when i had kids. i didn't plan to be a mom that cared about letting the people she worked with down more than she cared about letting her own family down. it was easier for me to disappoint them for some reason. what. the. fuck. is wrong with me? 

i remember reading this article a couple of months into my maternity leave and really feeling it - to my core. it was about the need toddlers have for your time. it was a story from a mom of a two year old that basically calls out that the struggle at bed time could very well be related to the lack of time your toddler had with you that day. that last 6 weeks or so of being pregnant weren't pretty on me. i was so tired. i was on the verge of cracking - both mentally and physically i guess. i wanted to leave everything wrapped with a perfectly tied, giant pink taffeta bow at work. i cared so much about the loose ends, the unanswered emails, and the never ending to do list. i rushed through my evening routines with wyatt just so i could get back online and finish whatever it was that definitely could wait until morning. that last 6 weeks, bed time was what i considered at the time "a joke". i remember complaining about how difficult it was - that it was worse than when we attempted CIO at the 6 month mark. the kid would NOT go to bed without crying. sobbing actually. after reading that article i felt like i got punched in the stomach. i felt like someone just handed me the "you suck as a mom" brown paper lunch sack filled with burning shit "award". why didn't i realize that then? those were my last few weeks with my little guy. my first little. my munchy. my monkey. why didn't i slow down, and just think for one second that he needed me. most likely for just 5 more minutes of hair stroking, hand holding, story telling, sing songing time. to this day i kick myself for the nights i just let him cry in there until he got cozy without me. just so i could open up my laptop. for that first couple of months, until i read that article, i never really knew why summer was so late. why was i pregnant for 8 days longer than my due date? that thought crossed my mind a lot, even after she was born. it just didn't make sense to me. wyatt was so early. what could i possibly have done to deserve such torture? 

looking back now it's so very clear to me. that last week was exactly what i needed. i stopped working the morning of my due date. i spent that entire day with my boys. i may have squeezed a pedi in that morning, but other than that i was there. i was present. i walked and talked and played and soaked in every moment i could. i spent that week waking up every day with wyatt, bringing him to bed with us, watching sesame street, knowing that could be it. the last morning "just us". even if i didn't know, the universe knew that i needed to keep cooking little miss so i wouldn't look back feeling like a complete asshole. 

throughout my entire maternity leave i knew in my post pregnancy gut that i had some things to sort through over the next four months. i needed to make some changes so that i started caring about the right things, and less about the wrong things. i needed to create balance somehow. i knew the kind of mom i wanted to be and feared i couldn't be her there. i feared that i would not only let people down at work, i felt i would let my family down. most importantly, i felt like i was going to let myself down. 

i quit. 

i actually put in my notice. Up until that point, really expecting nothing but an "i understand" and "good luck to you"… maybe a "you're welcome back any time you're ready". instead, i got the opportunity to stay on in a capacity that i could do. in a role that allowed me to spend a bit more time with my family, and a little less time pouring myself into my work. it's behind the scenes, and just about 30 hours a week give or take. and exactly what i need to still feel a bit like me, and a lot more like the mom i want to be.

this blog post circulated last week. another "sock it to me" read. it talks about "the ache". also known as, "no matter how many kids i have, i'll always feel this void in my heart for more because i am totally addicted to everything that comes with having a baby". yah, that one. i honestly couldn't see out of my eye balls about 5 sentences into it because i was sobbing like someone died. i actually felt the ache immediately into the post. i knew exactly what she was going to write before she wrote it. i nodded with every word, every description, every visualization. i related to it all. everything from the absolute elation i felt after having both of my babes, to the realness that is breast feeding. in the words of my bestie, annie - "it cut deep". so deep, it hurt. 

i love this time with these kids more than i can even describe to you. the thankfulness i feel overwhelms me most of the time. the absolute adoration i feel for my family is so intense, it actually hurts my heart to think about it not always being like this. this is everything. the completeness i feel when i see these two faces that are part of me and ty is what i've always always always wanted. reading that article after i made what seemed to be some pretty tough calls at the time, really sealed the deal. the only thing that could possibly make me feel better after reading it was knowing that by being with them more, and being engaged, focused, and present as a parent made the "ache" a little bit easier to swallow. it doesn't go away. oh, hell no. every stage i experience with them brings a new layer to the ache. a new time i want to bottle up, and never forget. the moments i think about when i lay my head on my pillow at night, just hoping to relive them in my dreams. 

these are the moments of our lives. my accomplishments can be many. and they can absolutely still involve professional wins. promotions. a career. i have time to figure that out. but right now, they have to include these two little people. who they become is so incredibly dependent on who i want to be as a mama. sure, they'll grow up and survive with out me. but that's not the life i always wanted. i want it all - and right now, that means i put a few of the professional "dreams" to the side, and put two of my dreams turned reality first.

guilt free life

i am marching to the beat of a new drum these days. ever since i found out i was pregnant almost 19 months ago, i've carried around this guilt. it's heavy, it's dark, and it weighs me down. when i first found out i was knocked up, i'd feel guilty about the drinks i consumed before i knew i was preggo. then i'd feel guilty about the fried food i'd eat, or how my poor puppies would be impacted by a new baby. once wyatt was born, i'd feel guilty in the moments of absolute exhaustion. i'd feel guilty in the moments i didn't enjoy it all more. then i found myself back to work, feeling guilty when i was there and away from wyatt. then as if i wasn't hard enough on myself, i'd feel guilty when i was at home and not online.

enough.

i drew a line about a week ago. in all honesty, i don't have freaking time to feel guilty. i can only do my best. and my best has to be good enough. and if it's good enough for me, it's gotta be good enough for everyone else. i'm in pursuit to living a guilt free life. and it started 7 days ago.

and i've never felt better.

it doesn't happen over night, but i'm getting there. old habits die hard.

on wednesday night, i left a work event a little early. i had missed bedtime with my sweet boy two nights in a row and i needed to try to get home in time to see him before he went down. i felt bad leaving a fun group of people that night but knew in my gut i needed to get home. when i came in the house, i could hear wyatt upstairs in the tub - my favorite part of the bedtime routine. when i walked in the door and saw him, he looked humungous and happy to see me. i ate dinner outside the tub and fed him bits of the chicken from my salad while he splashed around and showed off for ty and i. i drifted in and out of the moment though, feeling guilty that i wasn't with work. then guilty for thinking about it. once we got little guy out of the tub and downstairs for a little more play time, things took a turn.

within a few minutes of being downstairs, wyatt took his first real steps in front of ty and i. it was the best moment. it's this little video that keeps playing in my head over and over. not only because it was the cutest thing i'd ever seen, but because it was in that moment that i knew.

i was right where i was supposed to be.

this pursuit won't be easy, but i'm going to rid myself of the guilt and trust that i'm right where i am supposed to be, wherever that is. and most importantly trust my gut.

and not feel guilty for it.

wish me luck.

they can't eat you

it's all about perspective, folks. we have good days, and bad days. days that are harder, and days that are easier. [how profound.]

in the end, it all comes out in the wash. 

you didn't go to medical school for a reason. no one is going to die. 

and my personal favorite: they can't eat you. 

[thanks to my love for this one.]

the harder days have out numbered the easier ones these days, but at the end of the day i come home to a family that gives me perspective. meet my light at the end of the tunnel.

we all need a light at the end of the tunnel. go hug yours. and if you don't have one, go find one. like, now. 

(see this face? this face kills me - he's seen this book about 100 times in the last several weeks, but yesterday it was like he was seeing it for the first time. it was perfect. and just what i needed.) 

work it, girl

i did it. i went back to work. and guess what - it wasn't that bad. the anticipation of going back and leaving my little monkey was definitely a lot worse than the actual "going back" part. going back to work reminded me how much i love it. i am motivated by what i do and the people i work with are people i really like, and some i can even say i love. of course i missed wyatt, but he was with his daddy and if i got sad, it was simply because i missed him. i wasn't worried about him and i know the time he has with ty is so special. so many dads don't get to take some time off to be with their kiddo, so i am grateful that he does. and i know how much he is loving it. and... selfishly, i know he is also gaining some perspective into my world the last four months. it's not always rainbows and butterflies, that's for sure. (he even told me yesterday, "well, it's not as easy as i thought it was going to be. i give you props, babe.")

and like so many of you told me: balance is good for me. i need it. i am actually a better mama because of it. and, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. i totally appreciate my evenings with my family so much more. i also was more than happy to wake up throughout the night to feed the babe. i was excited to see him and i valued the time with him. after my first day back i came straight home and after an hour of practically suffocating him with kisses, he was exhausted - and so was i. we cozied up in our bed together and even though we slept, it was the quality time we needed after our first day away from each other.

advice for other mamas out there that haven't yet gone back, or will some day be in my same position:

• don't make your first day back at work the longest stretch you've ever been away from your little one. i had never been away from wyatt more than 4 hours. so the 10.5 hours away seemed like a lot, and it was. 
• show up at work when people are already there. i cried for an hour on day two because i showed up about 90 minutes before most of my team started getting there. it was too quiet and lonely and of course i started thinking about my boys at home.
• don't read texts or look at pictures or videos of your little one if you are feeling the least bit emotional. i did. such a bad idea. that's honestly what took me into my tail spin on thursday. 
• if you're nursing (a.k.a - boys reading, skip this as it's a little TMI), take the time to pump if you can (i know some jobs make it hard to do this, but if you own your schedule for the most part, block time off to do this each day). i am planning on pumping three times a day. i've learned it's better to pump more often for less time than less often for more time. i can pump for about 10 minutes at a time and so far, it's so worth it. (i'll feed wyatt before i leave for work, and immediately after i get home. he's only taking two bottles so i'm able to pump a little extra every day which is making me feel good about keeping my milk supply up.) 
• it's ok to tell people to not ask about your little one. they understand. and if they don't, oh well. it's better than your water works making things immediately awkward. (yes, this happened to me as well. someone i barely know asked me how i was doing in that "i feel really bad for you" tone and i started balling. fun.) 
• be prepared - it's hard to cram a full day of babe time into a few short hours in the evening. it's not the same. and if your sweet chickadee is anything like mine, the evenings can be "crabby time" around here. it was hard for me that first night to not take it personal. "he's cranky because i wasn't home today. he's cranky because he had bad naps and if i were home he would have slept better." it's not you. it's normal. there will be nights where you just don't see the smiley, laughy babe you missed all day. just as there were nights where they were in bed earlier than usual when you were home, they will do it when you are back at work too. especially if your little one is headed to day care. my mama friends who take their kiddos to day care have taught me a lot about this. they are so stimulated during the day that by the time they get home they are beyond pooped and in bed before the sun goes down. like, way before the sun goes down.

i am only working thursday and friday this week because ty has to travel for work. i am so glad that i get to be home with wyatt for the majority of this week and that i am easing my way back into work. working three days last week and two days this week has absolutely made going back easier. again, i love my employer. my boss is amazeballs. she gets it. thank god.

we had wyatt's 4 month appointment this week and it went great. he's weighing in at 14.8 lbs and is 27 inches long. he was 95th percentile for length, 30th for weight, and 70th for head. he got two shots - poor baby. but he handled them like a champ. the doc told us we could try cereal if we wanted (and because wyatt was showing some interest in food while ty and i ate in front of him) so we decided to give it a whirl tonight, and what a hit it was. with the first bite, wyatt mmm'd instantly. it was so freaking cute. he was totally into it. and i cried a little bit. weird.

this blog is shifting, i can tell. it's going to be about my little one, and my little family, but it's also going to be about the joys and struggles of being a working mom. i had a few new readers last week leave comments. i can't tell you guys how much i appreciate that. please, leave comments if you have advice or words of encouragement. they mean the world to me.

but i'm the mom

calling all working mamas. this chick is having a hard night and i need to hear from you. tell me it's going to be ok. tell me it's not as bad as i think it's going to be. tell me i will survive. tell me my baby is going to be just fine with three bottle feedings per day while i'm at work. tell me what i want to hear - but tell me the truth. i know it's going to be fine. i know wyatt is going to be MORE than fine. but i'm on the dark side tonight and while i can usually see the bright side just fine, tonight's another story. i know he'll be happy in the hands other people that love him. but i'm the mom. no one will ever love him like i do.

i see all of these stay-at-home mom blogs. and i love them. i'm obsessed with them really. like this one, and this one and this one... but where are the working mom blogs? you know, the one's where the moms who work also breast feed until age one, make their own baby food, and put their little one's in fuzzi bunz diapers? are these things still possible? i plan on doing two of those three things. (while i considered washable diapers, i couldn't imagine having my MIL worry about "my system" [put the diaper shells here, the inserts here, and don't forget to throw the liners here...] it just seemed like too much). i plan on breastfeeding as long as i can. and i plan on making my own baby food. i am not only planning on it, i want this for my baby. and if i want it, i will make it happen. but i am someone that looks to people for inspiration. super mom - are you out there?! send me tips. send me energy. send me peace.

i want it all. i want me time, marriage time, baby time, family time, friend time, etc. i know i can have it all but in smaller doses. i may have only added one element into my life 4 months ago, but that element is top priority. i make time for everything else because these things are important to me. balance is important to me. but here's the thing. four months ago, i swapped out one element for another - work for baby. things are different now. i've got this piece of my heart that i'll be leaving at home everyday. this little piece that's been with me everyday for over a year.

i wish i could bottle up wyatt's smell and take it to work with me. (even if i could do this i'd probably cry every time i opened up said bottle to take a whiff.) i wish i could stop time. (even if i could do this i'd probably only complain that i wish things would start moving again.) i wish i could go back to november 7th (you know, the day AFTER i pushed a baby out of my you-know-what... actually, i'd do it all over again tomorrow. best.birth.ever.) and do the last 4 months all over again.

i can say this: i enjoyed every second of my maternity leave. hey, pregnant friends: i've said this before and i will say this again. enjoy this time. the good and the not as good (because it's ALL good in the end) and promise me you will enjoy your time off with your baby. eat it up. drink it up.

and please, if you figure out a way to bottle it up, pass your trick on to me stat.

china anyone?

still in love with this kid. more and more every day. i look back on older posts, and read how obsessed i was with this face. um, that was nothing. i think my heart has gazillioned in size since week one. it's basically quadrupled in size, times 16. 16 weeks old already. which means i will be making my way back to work in just a few short days. march 7th marks my return to work date. i will say this: i am so so so glad i took 4 months off. 3 months would have not been enough, and i really do believe that anything over 4 would make going back to work so much harder. i have been processing going back to work since about my half way point. and i am glad. i am at the point now where i know this is my last full week at home, and i am going to live it up. which means more mushy Facebook posts, more big eyed headshot instagrams, and probably a couple lovey dovey blog posts.

ty frequently is my voice of reason. back in my pre-wyatt life, there would be times where i'd get stressed out about work. i'd come home, tightly wound and he'd pour me a glass of wine and say, "babe. just remember. they can't eat you." i think i've even blogged about this before... now, in my new life, when i get sad about going back to work, he'll hand me a kleenex and say,

"babe. we aren't shipping him off to china." 

it's just what i need to hear. and i've said this to myself several times a day this past week. i am lucky to have a job i love and work for a company i believe in. and i'm excited to see my team, people i consider friends (i.e. people that will understand when i might tear up at the mention of my kiddo that first day, week, or even month back to work. love them).

weekly report:

• several cozy naps together in bed
• a lot of drool and shoulder sucking
• a decent number of blow outs - one really, drippy, mama and baby soaked blow out that involved a shower, a bath, and an uncle trevie. 
• some car seat practice which i fear has really gotten us no where
• a lot of chatter boxing - my new favorite thing ever, besides his eye lashes. 

that's all for now. duty calls.