I started writing to you guys long before we met. I imagined what each of you would be like years before you were here, and part of our family. I always come back to this one thought: it was always you.

Whatever I imagined my life to be before you is everything I had hoped for, yet nothing I ever expected. You are the best parts of your daddy and I. All three of you. We made three of you. It still blows my mind that we created this family together, and after all of these years, we still can't put how much we love you into words. You each are individually so incredibly special, yet together you are all so intricately connected. It's like you've always known each other. It's like you've already lived a life well before this one together. 

I continue to come back to this idea that we're all here to learn. Each life is here to capture the moments, learn from the good decisions and the mistakes, and work hard to evolve and embrace what's thrown at us. Each of you are an educator, constantly teaching and loving me despite my mis-steps. I try hard to catch myself when I know I've made a mistake. When I know I owe you an apology - usually for losing my cool, for yelling, for over-reacting. You love me anyway. You continue to show me grace, see the good in me, and love me hard. Anyway. 

This summer was sure a ride. I was out numbered, and out mastered most of the time. I stumbled, you stumbled, and in the end we found our groove. Three kids against one mommy is no joke. I honestly hope for my own enjoyment that each of you brave three kids for three months S O L O. I can't wait to watch that go down. 9 grandkids though? Yes please. What I woudn't give. 

I wish I had the energy to capture every memory from our time together since I left the corporate world. It's been 6 months since work started to look differently for me, and while you're too little to know it now, this is just as much for you as it is for me. Sometimes it's easy to chalk it up to having three small kids as the reason leaving a big company job made sense. The truth is, I was ready to push myself professionally WHILE pushing myself as a mom. I wanted to look back, while watching you guys snag that diploma or walk that alter and be thankful that all of my years with you, just us, WERE NOT A BLUR. I want this time to be all of the things - even hard, and scary, and rough - as I watch you each become independently YOU. 

Tonight, we broke out your new buffalo check and plaid pajamas. Wyatt and Summer in red/black buffalo check, and Shelby in the last 18-24 months plaid Old Navy had. All you guys wanted to do was tumble around and goof off. So much so, I never got a good picture of you guys for Daddy, who's working late and staying overnight in Seattle tonight. (P.S. I always write my best notes to you when he's not home so I can cry as I write without any concern or interruption. "You cryin' babe?") Earlier, we played outside with the neighbors, Shelby cozy in the bob stroller while Wyatt and Summer killed it at hide and seek until it started to get dark. Our days start slow now, Daddy usually taking you to school while I've been trying to walk to get you as often as I can. Except for today, when I let Shelby sleep until 3:30 when school got out at 3:35. I had no choice but to drive and wait in car line to get you. Wyatt, you're so responsible and eager to not disappoint anyone, practically dragging Summer by her back pack to get in the line in time for me to pull up. Summer, you constantly push the boundaries. I'm scared for what's to come with you. Seriously. Don't push your luck in high school, or else. 

Going into our summer together, I was so scared of being on my own with you guys for long periods of time. It intimidated me to think of taking you anywhere on my own. Often times, it paralyzed me. We overcame that, and found ourselves at the park, out to lunch, and a few times, at Gramma's pool. Solo parenting you guys is still not my favorite thing to do and there are things I do far better that I'd rather do instead. Yet, I am so proud of us. I am so thankful for you, and your patience and grace. I know you'll end up in therapy for all of my fuck ups as a mom, but while you're there you better not, for a single second, doubt how much I love you. That would kill me. 

Tonight, I tucked your warm, squirmy, easily ticklish bodies into your beds. Each of you with your very distinct squishy cheeks that I snuggle my face into and sniff in every night. If I was blind, and only had your cheeks to distinguish you by, you can bet I'd nail it every single time. Wyatt, yours especially, are exactly the same as they were the moment my face met yours the night you were born. 

I love you guys so much. I am not a perfect mom, and you love me anyway. I hope you get to feel the feels that I have for each of you some day, because it will be in those moments that you will truly know what it means to me, to be your mom. 

Goodnight, and I love you, sweet babies of mine.

If you know what's good for you, you'll sleep past 6. 

XOXO,

Your Mama

Dear Shelby, You're 1.

Sweet girl, how in the world are we here, 365 days since we first locked eyes? I haven't seemed to really put my head around any of this. Yet, here we are. Time is funny like that. You'll experience this when you have your own tiny one someday. You have zero control over how quickly things move, and time will never fly so fast than it will when you start your family. Someone once told me it's like sand in your hands, this time of our life. They were right. It slips so fast I can't catch it and the best way I know how is to be as present as possible. You'll notice I haven't written to you has much, or at all, the last 12 months like I did with your sister and brother. I made a choice around 3 months with you to write less, and live more. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for that. I was so intimidated as a new mom with both Wyatt and Summer that I found comfort writing about my feelings to them in my downtime, rather than being more present in real time. With you, I wanted to feel it, live it, see it, more. You are quite possibly, almost definitely, our last baby. There is something about knowing that, combined with doing this a third time, that helped me experience you differently. From pregnancy, birth, to now at the first year mark. I will remember things differently with you, and funny enough that has kind of been the goal since the second we found out we were pregnant with you. I wanted everything to be different. I wanted to be different. And while you're the 'reason', Wyatt and Summer have benefited from you in this department as well. They've experienced me differently because of you. You're like this heat that warms us. You're the center, the fire, of our family right now. You don't even know how much you've taught all of us already.

Your personality is so damn funny. We see you as this opinionated, silly, vocal, little person. There's never a moment we don't know how you are feeling. One second you are calm and kicked back, and seconds later you can change on a dime and show us you are busy and present and loud. You love attention, but you love your space. (Very hard to come by, by the way!) You want to be around us and touched and cuddled, but you also want to be moving, and doing everything yourself.

At one, you are kind of sort of saying Mama, you blow bubbles, and you are taking about 8 steps at a time. You dance and sing (currently T-Swift is your fave), and stand and shake your booty. You love your chairs, food (anything, really but especially raspberries), you poop on schedule every day at 5am (not my favorite thing about you, I admit), and you nap and go to bed like a pro. Your thumbs are your BFF, and you love water and climbing the stairs.

You are smart and super aware of what's going on around you. You see and then you do. It's pretty impressive how you pick up on things happening around you. You are confident and spirited, and you love your people. And we sure love you.

Here's to all you are, and all you'll be little one. Thank you for choosing us. You're everything and more when we dreamed about you. You are our dream come true.

Happiest first birthday to you, and here's to many more to come.

Love,
Mama

Better Beauty Review: My 5 Favorite Safer Products

I know I am not the only product junkie obsessed with beauty blogs and the latest and greatest. When my great friend, Stephanie approached me to tell me about a new journey she'd started, my ears instantly perked up when I heard it involved beauty products. Lord knew, I'd been spending a decent chunk of my discretionary income trying anything that sounded like it would help lighten, brighten, age defy, or firm. I was a VIB at Sephora, and had my favorite counters picked out at Nordies. Last November, my call with Stephanie introduced me to a line I hadn't heard a single thing about, Beautycounter. In reality, it wasn't the beauty product concept that got my attention all together. Stephanie shared with me that she'd made some changes at home, working hard to make safer decisions when it came to the household and wellness products she brought into her house after the sudden passing of her mother to cancer. What did wellness products have to do with the passing of her sweet mama, I thought?

Then she hit me with a pretty important fact. Several ingredients in wellness products are actually linked to hormone disruption, fetal development, and yes, cancer.  I had never even considered that the beauty product and wellness industry was going unregulated in the U.S. I always assumed that if I could buy it in a store with a reputable brand, it had to be safe for me to use at home. Wrong. In fact, the U.S. hasn't passed a law related to safety regulations in this industry since 1938. That's the year the Golden Gate Bridge was built. To date, the U.S. restricts the use of 30 ingredients in the products we can buy here. Need more perspective? The European Union restricts 1400+. Need some good news? Beautycounter, in it's 4 years of life, has developed skin care lines, body care, baby + kids skin care, make up, and hair care avoiding over 1500 questionable ingredients.

And I needed to get my hands on them. Immediately. Not only did I begin purchasing some of these products because I was so impressed with their effectiveness (while being safer to use!), I signed up to be a consultant so I too could share their story. Our story. It's creeping up on a year since I first became introduced and I haven't looked back. I've had the opportunity to try almost everything in their line, and have quickly identified by go to favorites. I love their skin care lines, the kids wash and their hair care. I think I get the most excited to use their make up each day because if I was forced to pick my favorite every day products, I think these would have to be them. 

Dew Skin // Concealer Pen // Matte Bronzer // Color Pinch Cream Blusher // Volumizing Mascara // Lengthening Mascara 

DEW SKIN TINTED MOISTURIZER

Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways. First and foremost, it has an SPF in it which is a must when it comes to a tinted moisturizer for me. What I love most about the Dew Skin is that it allows my natural skin to show with just the right amount of coverage. As I age, I notice that the whole 'less is more' concept really does come into play when it comes to makeup. I don't have problem skin and I don't need a lot of coverage, so I should be using a product that compliments me in that way, which helps me look younger in the end. (Don't worry, if you do like a fuller coverage for whatever reason, their Tint Skin product is also amazing. It's a medium coverage initially, but is very build-able so you can make it into a fuller coverage if you apply it to the areas that might need a little more love.) I use shade No. 3 now, but given it's turning to fall will start using No. 2 pretty soon.  

TOUCHUP SKIN CONCEALER PEN

Concealer is the most important step in my daily makeup routing. I am a horrible sleeper, and frequently dehydrated and my poor eyes tend to take the hit for that. I started trying a lot of different products for under the eyes, and this is the only one I've used in a very long time that doesn't leave my under eyes dry and cakey looking. It has a color corrector in it as well so it quickly, with very little product, erases any redness or darkness. I use the shade Light. 

COLOR CONTOUR MATTE BRONZER 

I've used my fair share of bronzers over the years and I can't say enough good thinks about this. I use shade No. 1, and it's perfectly matte for every day use and super natural looking. It has amazing staying power, and I love that it gives me just the right amount of color to draw out what color I might already have (with a fake tan!) or give me just the boost I need as my tan fades. 

COLOR PINCH CREAM BLUSHER IN HIBISCUS

To this day, I am still shocked at how much I love this product. I've been a NARS Orgasm blush loyalist for about 10 years, so I wasn't easily convinced to buy this. Not until I saw my closest friends rocking it. I was sold. It's just the prettiest shade of pink, providing such a natural awake look to my skin. These days, being awake and looking awake are two very different things. This is a must. Another super fun way to use this guy is to use it as a lip stick. On my 'no makeup makeup' days #everysingleweekend, this gives me just the right amount of color there, too.

VOLUMIZING & LENGTHENING MASCARA 

Beautycounter recently launched two new mascara formulas and I love them both, equally. And I use both equally every single day. The Volumizing formula gives my lashes great fullness at the roots, giving them a nice and fluffy look. The Lengthening formula is perfect for adding that extra length to the ends, and gives the perfect application to the bottom lashes so you don't look like Tammy Faye. I was surprised that 'safe' mascara impressed me. I love to pile on the mascara but I always hated that it transferred to under my eyes by the afternoon. Not to mention, the removal process killed. 

There you have it, my top 5(ish) favorites from Beautycounter. You can shop the links here in this post, and you can of course ask me any questions in the comment fields below. 

I know there are a lot of safer product options out there. What are your favorites? #addict #betterbeautyjunkie

Dear Summer - And just like that, you're 4.

Oh Summer, four years old?! I can't even begin to tell you how crazy it is for me to think about how quickly 1,500 + days have gone by and how much you've changed all of us for the better. I've been thinking a lot about what you and I have to look forward to together. The gratitude I feel having a daughter is hard to really put into words. You are absolutely everything I always wanted, and still you bring an element of surprise and delight into each and every day. 

The things that make you pure magic truly are endless. My most favorite things about you right now have a lot to do with your sense of humor, how affectionate you are, your confidence, your EQ, and your coordination. I used to tell Daddy when you were in my belly that you were most definitely going to have some of the traits I always wished I had. Let's just say, your blonde hair, olive skin, and athleticism did not come from me. Your confidence, your wit, and your EQ absolutely did. You are enough like me, and enough opposite that I see us complimenting each other more and more as you grow up. When we went to Hawaii a few weeks ago, I couldn't help but obsess over how perfectly suited you are for island life, and what I wouldn't have given to pull off all of your swim suits like you did.

You are such a little mama. You love playing babies with Wyatt, and school, and really anything that requires laying your babies and stuffies all over our upstairs. Each of them always perfectly prepared with blankies for nap time. You are very intuitive and affectionate. Earlier this summer, I fell at Auntie's house, on the stairs, and it hurt so bad. #embarrassing You knew it hurt me, and you could not have been more adorable. Your sweetness distracted me from the pain and you quickly came to my aide. Earlier this year, we watched your birth slide show, and you got emotional watching it with me - even before I did. I looked down at you when we got to the picture when I was pushing and you looked up at me with these giant tears on the cusp of your little tear ducts. "I hurt you, Mommy?" My heart just about exploded. I was surprised you caught on. Your tears were contagious. For as confident and strong-willed as you are, you're damn sensitive. You are going to do something pretty great with this life of yours. I feel it in my bones. You have a light, honey. And I will make it my job to ensure it never ever dims. I am committed to ensuring it just gets brighter and brighter and brighter. We're all so lucky to be near you. 

As for some other things you're up to these days - you are a swimmer now, you have become a lot more patient with me to do your hair, and you continue to do most things on your own. You get dressed, you wipe your own butt (eh hem, Wyatt?), you make your bed, you get your own water, snacks, and you know how to turn Netflix on. Get it, girl. Sleeping in past 6AM is getting... better, I think. You'll have to ask Daddy because I have finally learned how to sleep through your wake up calls. #onlytook4years #tablesturneddaddy

You are such a great little sister. You and Wyatt are incredibly close. A lot of that has to do with how patient you are, and how eager you are to learn from him. You're a little competitive for his liking, but I love watching you keep him on his toes. We decided to stick you in Pre-K this year, just as Wyatt started Kindergarten. We became super excited about keeping you both close in grades - a year apart means you'll always watch out for each other. 

I have to insert this story really fast. About 15 minutes ago, Wyatt wasn't very nice to you. I sent him to his room and told him he could come back out in 5 minutes as long as he was ready to say sorry to you. He popped down after just about 5 minutes, said he was sorry and walked over to me. I hugged him and told him I was proud of him for doing exactly what I asked him to do. His response? "I came back down and said I was sorry to Summer because I have to go poop." #normalday About 2 minutes ago you asked him to help you make something on your white board. He did, then he encouraged you to try yourself. When you put your work down, Wyatt immediately came to it's defense. "Summer, it's a really good fishy." You root each other on, and it's in these moments, the ones where you think we aren't watching, that we know we're doing something right.

We love watching you learn new things, and continue to find your voice. And build on your confidence. You constantly make us smile, and laugh. Oh, the laughter that's in this house because of you. I think the best quality about you is that you never, ever, ever, take yourself too seriously. You always find it in yourself to laugh and be silly. Nothing beats sharing in something funny with you. It is the absolute best getting the giggles with you. Happy 4th Year my sweet, giant-hearted, strong, smart, inclusive, competitive, feisty girl. Please never stop giving us a run for our money, and inspiring me to be my best so you'll do the same.

Love Always,

Mama

LATELY

Littlest loves of my life - It's been awhile, but the truth is so much has stayed the same since I last wrote to you both. You're both still loving life at your Montessori school, we still love our house/not so love our neighborhood, and you both are continuing to entertain us with the paradox of sibling-hood. This paradox is represented by the following:

• loving each other / hating each other 
• being best friends / being enemies 
• wanting to be completely hooked at the hip / wanting nothing to do with the other 
• missing each other / hurting each other 

... and most importantly, always ultimately loving each other.

It's so funny watching you guys together -- you're so incredibly different. You always spend more time on the positive side of the paradox spectrum, might I add. The hating each other lasts one of two seconds because separating you two is worse for you both. The days you spend apart, you eat up the evenings catching up on play time. Watching you two reunite after even just an hour or two apart is the best ever. Wyatt, you can't find your words fast enough through the excitement of sharing whatever you believed to be the highlight of your day that summer would appreciate the most. Whatever you both do without the other, you're always thinking about each other. When Wyatt and I are out and about during your nap, Summer - he is ALWAYS thinking about you and talking about you. Always wanting to get you something since you aren't there. Always considering you. Summer, you do the same thing. Always asking what Wyatt's doing when he isn't with us, always including him in our conversation, and wanting to bring him something when we get home.

You both love playing school together upstairs. You color together, play babies together, talk on walkie talkies, watch movies, dance and sing together. You're both obsessed with white boards. And you are currently loving Trolls and the Secret Life of Pets. You watch Peppa every morning, sometimes Daniel Tiger. Wyatt, you sleep later than Summer STILL - typically coming into our room first, and either crawling in our bed for a show or scaring me when you creep up on me after getting out of the shower. Summer, you're up in the 5s most days - always going to your daddy's side first. LOVE YOU for that. The first thing you say is either -- "Da-eeeeee, awfee." or "Da-eeee, shows." It's always two words, even though you speak in complete sentences. You whisper now, but still walk like you have clogs on your feet in the morning. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel toe.

Summer - your hair is either a complete mess, or perfectly braided. There's no in between. You are obsessed with your bunny puppet. You love hugging and kissing, and singing and cuddling. You are equally in love with Daddy and I -- finally, I moved up on your list! You say 'I love you' randomly. You compliment people at random times. "I love your face. I like your bag." or "I like your eyebrows and ears." You often call out that you and I are similar. even this morning, you said "I love you Mommy. We both have gy-nas." Dead.

Wyatt - you yourself can be a walking contradiction. strong willed and persistent, sensitive and vulnerable. You are starting to really enjoy being read to, especially Jack and Annie chapter books. That is our thing every night -- the best reward is to be read to before bed, and the biggest consequence is when I take it away for not listening or talking back. Yah, you are definitely 5 going on 15 sometimes. The talking back is super fun.

You both enjoy swimming and being outside. Winter months are hard on you for this reason, but thankfully your school still takes you outside rain or shine twice a day - because lord knows, I do not. Daddy is the go to adventure guy on the weekends -- always taking you both somewhere Saturday mornings usually. Donuts, coffee, Grammy and Papa's. I am the 1:1 parent - you can count on me for a trip to Target or Costco "just us".

One of your favorite things ever is when Gramma spends the night when Daddy and I bolt out of here for a date night away. She lets you do just about anything as long as you don't fight, whine, or cry. You build massive forts in the living room, watch movies and stay up late, and who knows what else. You are lucky kids -- you have so many people that want to spend time with you. They actually choose to do that over other things. Gramma preferred to ring in the new year with you two crazies instead of go out on the town. See? That much.

We love you both so dang much. I try every day to be the best I can for you - and you continue to do the same. We hate disappointing each other. Every day is a new day, and each day we get better and better at accepting all of the parts of the day, even the shitty ones, as the best parts. You make us so proud to be your parents.

Love, love, love you more.

Your Mama

happy 2nd birthday, summer love.

oh honey, you're two. two. two. it's been so long since i've written a post - not because these aren't important to me, but because it's been a whirlwind adventure around here. we've done so much in the last year - built a house, sold a house, moved, had a super fun and HOT summer, and as of today, you started at a new school with your brother. life is really good, my love.

you are seriously fantastic. you are small and strong. so tough. you put up and keep up with your big brother constantly. you're talking and almost saying more than a couple of words at a time. some of my favorites - "me now?" "me go?" "da-eee go?" "here y'g!o!"

your hair. it's growing, and blowing sweet cheeks. you've got the best side bangs going on, and as of this week, we're able to do pig tails. you rock these bows too - it's really too much. your smile. it's contagious. you have the most amazing face. so bright, and full of life. you are a constant reminder of independence. you always want to try something on your own. whatever it is - the stairs, washing hands, putting on your shoes, taking off your clothes, trying on every skirt in your drawer. you will do it on your own.

peeeeees? this is what you say whenever you think someone has to or is going to the bathroom. you try to go, always without luck - but the effort is adorable.

you do a lot of hugging and kissing - whenever i leave in the morning you give me a (few several) kisses on the lips (like, really good smooches) and a hug (a super burly one -- very tight squeeze) and a rigorous couple dozen waves goodbye. it's perfect. you always hug wyatt goodnight now, and it's kind of a game - you'll run the hallway between your room and his and hug and kiss him. i love when i get to put you down (daddy usually wins if he's home). we'll sing "wheels on the bus", and before i even get to "round and round" you stop me - "noooo" and ask me to sing "twinkle twinkle". i usually crawl down to where you are laying and pretend to kiss you through the bars of your crib and you hysterically laugh. there must be something about seeing me that way. you love it. i know you have your own little night night routine with your daddy too.

speaking of daddy. hello, obsessed. you really are. he is your dude. "my da-eee" comes out a lot. i joke sometimes that it hurts my feelings that you don't love me as much, but the reality is i wouldn't have it any other way. i love that you have such a special bond with him. it's all i ever really wanted for you both. he'd do anything for you. it's so so so important that you know how to be loved by a man. this, my love, is it. unconditional, everything, love.

you are cool. i was talking to gramma the other night and this is how i explained you. you're just cool. you are confident, and funny, and so incredibly smart. you'll try anything for a laugh, and have an infectious sense of humor. you stick up for yourself, tough cookie. never ever, ever stop.

your birthday snuck up on me this year. another year passed so fast. and sometimes i catch myself thinking - you're ONLY two? not just because you're so ahead of the curve (no bias here), but because it's so hard for me to think you've only been here with us two years. you are what i always imagined for our family. i look back on all of my earlier posts about you and to you, and it's so funny to read them - despite barely knowing you then, it's like you've always been the person you are today. even as a toothless, bald, mute, infant.

happiest of birthdays, summer james. until next year. because 3 rocks (and kills). just ask your brother.

love,

mommy