so, the whole "nursing" topic has come up again... mostly because i have a couple of really good friends that are about to have their first babes so the breastfeeding questions have come up a little bit. i am by no means an expert on breastfeeding but i definitely had a "journey" and learned a few things along the way. this is going to be bit of TMI again, but part of me just wants to get this out there so i don't forget my own advice the second time around.

tip #1 - it hurts. but it gets better. 

the first couple of days it feels like all you are doing is forcing your baby's head against your boob. the most important thing my doula taught me was to relax and to make sure you get the right latch the first time. your baby should be sucking on your nip, but should actually be sucking on your areola. you want the whole areola to be in your baby's mouth. it actually worked best to latch wyatt when he was screaming because his mouth was wide open. also - if it's hurting for longer than 30 seconds, it's probably because you have a bad latch. if your nip looks like lipstick when your baby is done, that means he/she wasn't latched right. and you'll probably get a blister on your nip - like i did. and then you still have to nurse out of that boob because you don't want your milk supply to go down in that one so you just have to get through it. and you will.

tip #2 - drink a brooskie. 

after about 2.5 days of constantly nursing your baby, but all you desperately want is for them to get full, you're ready for your milk to come in. i think i already mentioned this but ty got me a beer at about 4am   that second, almost third day. by noon my milk was in. coincidence or not, i was thrilled. and that first milk feeding was absolutely the best. seeing your baby "milk drunk" for the first time is almost as rewarding as holding him or her for the first time.

tip #3 - use nipple cups. 

the thing that helped me the most was these medela nipple shields. they could air out after each feeding and they wouldn't stick to anything and rip at the tender as shit skin. they saved my life. buy them. enough said.

tip #4 - be patient.

so, the second day my milk was in, i was a wreck. my boobs were huge and producing a shit ton of milk but my sweet little guy wasn't eating nearly as much as i was producing. it's all part of it sister. your body is learning to self regulate so you just have to be patient. but the one thing you risk this early on is mastitis if you get too engorged. if you feel like you are going to burst like i did - the best advice i got was again, from my doula. she told me to get into the tub and "self express". it sounds awkward but let me be really honest -- it's in this moment you are desperate. self expressing will relieve some of the pressure but still allow your body to regulate itself. if you whip out your pump this early on you might confuse your body into thinking you need to continue producing that much. unless you pump just a little bit to relieve the pressure... it really only lasted a day or two and things got a lot more comfortable in the production department.

tip #5 - take the pressure off.

it can be really hard to "get into a groove" that first couple of weeks. the pressure you feel as a new mom when your baby is screaming and all you need to do is get your baby onto the boob is hard to explain. the one thing you need to do when you are preparing to nurse is relax so your milk "comes down" -- such an odd concept really, but you have to be calm so you can "let down" and it really only takes a couple of seconds but your baby is learning how to nurse and you are learning how too, so together it can be a hard mix when both you and your baby are frustrated at feeding time. ty was my lifesaver. it would take a couple of rounds sometimes. i dreaded the 2 hour mark because i was so stressed about feeding time. ty would try to help me get wyatt to latch, and most of the time we would both be so worked up (wyatt and i) that i would have to hand him to ty so he could leave the room with him so i could calm my bod down enough to try again... and again and again sometimes. but when i look back on it, that shit show only really lasted two weeks. the more you do it, the better you get. the more confident you get. the more patient you are with yourself... and then you are in your groove. and you should be proud of yourself. i would recommend that until you find your groove, nurse in private. you don't need an audience this early on unless it's someone that puts you at ease and helps you feel confident and comfortable. sometimes i felt pressure to nurse in front of friends and guests because they came all that way to see me and the babe so i felt awkward going upstairs and leaving them while i fed wyatt. if i were to do it over again, i wouldn't feel bad about that. it's ok to take your time and do it in private until you "have it down". it's better for you and for your sweet babe.

tip #6 - if you need to take anti-biotics, take probiotics too. 

i got strep throat when wyatt was 7 months old. i was prescribed antibiotics. i got a yeast infection. in my nips. horrific. it lasted 4 months. wyatt never got thrush, thankfully, but it was horribly uncomfortable. the worst of the worst. just trust me. if you don't get anything out of this post but one tip, please take this one with you.

tip #7 - nurse equally on both sides.

this can be a little tricky, but its easy to favor one boob over the other, especially at the beginning when you are trying to get into your groove. but be warned, if you favor one side chick, you're gonna end up with a mini-boob... or what i like to call the "side dish" boob. you'll naturally have one that is bigger than the other just a little bit but if you favor your "main entree" boob (the other one's nick name around here) then it could be really drastic. it can be really hard to remember what boob you start with each time - especially when you are bleary eyed at 2am. someone told me to put a hair band on the wrist i need to start with next time so it would be easy to track. i could usually tell by which boob felt more full, but remember that one will probably product more faster, so it might not always be the best way to go. just sayin'.

tip #8 - you might get a blocked duct. 

and if you do, get in the tub and if you have a jetted tub put your boob up to it and pound the crap out of that blockage. it can feel like you have a bruise in your boob -- it will feel really tender like someone punched you in the boob. you might just need to massage it a bit in the tub and then try for a really good feeding that next go round out of that boob. you might need to massage your boob while your baby eats and that helps a lot. and if you get one after you have started pumping, you can pump it on high and massage it really hard and you'll probably work it out. it's not fun at all. but these tricks always nipped it in the bud. pun intended.

tip #9 - drink a lot of water.

the one thing i could have done more of was drink water. your body is working really hard and you are giving up a lot of liquids to your sweet bambino. drinking a lot of water will help ensure your milk supply stays up. a lot of mamas i know would have water next to wherever they would be nursing and drink it while they nursed. good tip!

tip #10 - eat, eat, eat.

just like the water tip, your body is burning a lot of calories. you should definitely be snacking throughout the day even though it's hard to think about yourself in those early days where you are all consumed by your perfect little one. i read somewhere to go to the grocery store before your baby comes and buy snacks you can eat with one hand since you'll most likely be with child when your future hunger pangs! this was another hard one. remembering to eat when you're going off 2 hours of sleep, if that, really isn't a priority. i can remember when ty went back to work and forgetting to eat. not good for mamas.

ok, that's all for now. if you have other tips to share, please comment!

good luck mama's. you got this. trust me!

the end of an era

this might be a little TMI for some of my [male] readers. if you aren't interested in hearing about a mama's struggle with her nursing days coming to an end, i say you skip this one. your welcome.

"it's starting to happen" -- that's typically the follow up to my "yes" answer when people ask if i'm still nursing. yes. i am still nursing. but that inevitable "it" is starting to happen. by "it" i mean the slow but steady decrease in my milk supply, coupled with this wave of denial that comes over me almost daily. "it" started making "it's" appearance about a month ago. 

when i was pregnant, i knew i'd love nursing my baby. strangely enough, it was one of the things i used to look forward to most. it wasn't easy at first. in fact, it was a lot harder those first 2 weeks then i expected. (i'd have these really vivid dreams about nursing and it was like my boob and the baby's mouth were magnetic. it was so easy... if only that were the case in real life, right? although, not sure how i'd feel about my nips being magnetic...) it got better, and i loved it just as much as i expected. sure, there continued to be things that stressed me out about nursing -- like the smaller feedings almost guaranteeing me a middle of the night wake up call. or the back of the car feedings, or the days where he just didn't feel like eating as much as i had to offer (not cozy!), or the dreaded pump. but all of the good that comes along with it far outweighs the stress. like the instantaneous bond you have with your baby. no one really ever explained that bond to me and i do believe it is different for every mama and bambino. for me, it was the first big accomplishment we did together (aside from the actual giving birth thing!). we were both new at the whole concept and the feeling of pride i felt for the both of us when we finally "got our groove" is a feeling i'll never forget. i can easily recall that saturday night where just he and i were home, up on our bed and i was desperate for him to have what my doula kept referring to as a "good feeding"... many times before a feeding, he'd have this freak out when i tried to latch him. it was absolute misery knowing my baby was starving yet i couldn't get him what he needed most. the pressure to feed your baby.... yah, no one prepared me for that. it's a lot easier said than done to relax in those moments  -- and relaxing is really the only thing you can do to get things movin' down. (tip for new mamas/mama's to be: the best advice i got came from lindsay -- it can be stressful and hard to "let down" sometimes - especially when your baby is screaming and you are doing everything you can to just get the latch right... take deep breaths. i still do it. it usually takes one, good, deep long breath for me to let down now in environments that are super stressful -- say, an airplane or nordstrom's nursing room with 3 other mom's that are happily nursing away and in your mind, wondering how long your baby is going to take to latch.) the bond was ours and ours alone. i had the most perfect excuse to take a few minutes to be alone with my baby. no one could ever argue with the boob. 

i always said i'd nurse as long as i could - thinking that would be about 5 or 6 months. i never wanted to put an end date on it and i sure as heck didn't want to put a marker on it just because i felt i had to. but once i got to about 7 months, i thought, "ok - if i can get to a year, that would be good for him". but then at the 8th month, i got hit with a not so fun 'condition' that's made nursing super hard on me. i've been dealing with it for almost 2 months now, and i don't want it to be the reason i stop. i'm coming up on 10 months now, and i'm proud of that. i am not sure why i am struggling with it ending so badly - especially because it hasn't been comfortable for me for going on 8 weeks now. it's the end of an era i guess. am i the only one that has struggled with actually making the choice to just stop? how do you just stop? i know there is a lot out there and i obviously have avoided actually reading up on it. i know some of my friends have told me their babies weaned themselves... i always pictured it that way, and that could be what's happening already. i pretty much have a little man hanging from me these days with how long he is (90th percentile). part of me thinks maybe it would just be easier to do it now - before he gets even older and it is even harder to break. i joke that i don't want to give up my daily 500+ calorie burn but i am starting to feel it's bigger than that. i feel guilty. like i'm a quitter if i stop now. has "mom guilt" completely become my new driver in life? (why do i feel another post coming on this topic alone?!) i'm sad too. it seems so definite when you stop - because, well, it is. you can't go back. 

i know there are lots of opinions out there. i obviously need to do some research. & maybe i'm just not ready yet. that's ok too. but it will end, at some point, and i guess in true jordan-fashion, i'm mentally preparing early. 

if you have anything you are willing to share - please do. your experiences, thoughts and tips are always welcome.

thanks for listening. as usual. 

yours truly,

guilty lactating mom 

a letter to a memorable flight attendant

Dear Michael,

I know you are a trained flight attendant. Good for you. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I was to hop your flight today. You greeted me with the news that in fact your flight did not have wi-fi as advertised and that my tiny carry on would be taken below due to limited over head space. Glad I went through the hassle of squeezing my liquids into a sandwich sized zippy for security. Flying across the country has turned into one of my all-time favorite things since becoming a mom. I actually look forward to lugging an extra-large breast pump bag with me. I know it looks great on me. Almost as great as those black orthopedic shoes you’re wearing right now. It’s super fun for me to sit in this window seat too, a seat that makes it extremely convenient for me to get to the bathroom from. I always count down the minutes before I have to tap the leg of the snoring man next to me, who has to nudge the comfortably seated 85 year old grandma next to him, just so I can awkwardly maneuver myself out to the aisle with the bag I know so many women watching are envious of. As if that wasn’t fun enough, I now get to walk into a space fit for a 4 year old that half the plane has already wiped in today. Once inside, it’s thrilling to coordinate all of my “equipment” too. The options of where to set things down is endless. I’ve got a sink the size of a measuring spoon, and a counter space smaller than the one in Barbie’s dream house. I am happily standing on used toilet paper, while I watch myself in the mirror do things only farm animals probably look forward to more. Living it up in here, my friend, is the high light of my day. Oh wait, that came when you pounded on the door twice to tell me that there was a long line outside the door waiting to get in there. Michael, I know intuitively you have to be thinking I’m having too good of a time. I’m obviously enjoying the smell of forced freshener, all that “space”, and fluorescent lighting a little too much. I get it. It’s an easy place for your brain to go. My bad for thinking you saw the gigantic bag I took in the bathroom with me. I must be the first woman to ever have to pump on “your” plane. It wasn’t at all embarrassing for me to come out of the bathroom, only to face the group of people you shouted at me in front of. You’re authority and instincts are really something.

And to think, all those nerves I had around pumping on a plane for nothing, all thanks to you. Wear those wings proud, Michael. I can tell, even in the short time we’ve known each other, you understand the needs of your customers and just what to do to make them feel right at home.

No need to thank me for my choice to fly with you today. The pleasure was all mine.

Respectfully Yours,

Jordan

getting honest >> the crazies

i like to write a weekly post, usually on sundays, where i capture the week's events with our sweet boy. how much i love him. what i've learned about him. myself. this new life. one thing i haven't written much about is the god's honest truth about this transition. so much about this transition hits me months after the fact. you know, like the fact i pretty much have lost my marbles on a number of occasions since giving birth. and yes, even after losing my shit, i'm still married. my husband still loves me. i think. 

on wyatt's 6th day of life, i was your text book "i just had a baby, don't judge me, i'm absolutely nuts" chick. we'd had visitors every day and the only time ty and i had really shared just the two of us was during the middle of the night feedings. awesome. up until about wyatt's third day of life, those "feedings" were absolute hell. it was such a struggle to get wyatt to latch on those first 2 weeks. it was such an ordeal. an absolute cluster. when i first started, i didn't really have much to compare it to - other than those annoying breastfeeding videos that show a new mom in a silky nightgown gracefully feeding her baby while laying on her side taking a snooze. that was absolutely 100% not me. i was the sweaty, frizzy haired new mom taking deep breaths, trying her absolute best to not burst into tears as i tried the football position, then the cradle position, then the hang your baby upside down position... back to football again, only to end up trying the cradle position. (i was only kidding on the upside down baby position. that said, i would have tried anything that would have worked back then!) on that 6th day, i pretty much hit a wall. my milk came in on day 3 and by day 6 i was a wreck. annie stopped over with her sweet SIL and ali du right as my marbles not only spilled on the floor, they broke into a million pieces onto the floor and then inside the marbles were more marbles that broke all over the floor. i've never been that much of a wreck in my life. i couldn't get wyatt to latch. i felt like i was failing as a mom. i could barely talk. annie was there right when i needed her. as usual. she sat on the edge of my bed as i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. rubbed my leg and reminded me that all of this was so brand new to me - my body had been through so much, it was normal to be overwhelmed, i was doing an amazing job, that she understood how i was feeling, that it would get better. that it was OK to feel the way i was. she was right.

when wyatt was probably 8 days old, i lost my damn marbles again. it was monday. i laid down to take a nap and had laid wyatt down in his vibrating pack n' play bed thingy ma jig (pic above is actually from that very moment i believe). ty worked on his expense reports down stairs. when i woke up ty was gone. he didn't tell me where he was going. i texted him and he wrote back and said he had run to the post office and then was going to the gym. totally fine. um, ya. no. not that day. when he got home i gave him the silent treatment (mature) while my mom and annie were visiting. when they left i lost it. again. told him i couldn't believe he would "sneak out" like that. did he not want to be with us? was he trying to escape from this new life? was he not happy? i clearly remember the words coming out of my mouth: "i felt like you snuck out today. like you were escaping from us. do you not want to be here?!" i knew i was crazy. as i was talking, my brain was telling me "you are a freaking lunatic" but looking back now, the poor guy definitely didn't want to be there with this lady he barely knew, eff-ed up in the head chick that looked like his wife, but definitely was someone else. (please note, ty left without waking me up because i was going off about 90 minutes of sleep over the course of a 5 day period.)

something similar happened about a month later when he got home from work and wanted to go next door. i remember just yelling at him to apologize to me. he didn't know what to apologize for and i quickly spiraled out of control.

you get the jist.

crazy things happen to you when you have a baby. and as they are happening you feel yourself leaving your body. you feel words leave your mouth and you know you are losing your mind that very moment. but you can't stop. "it's the hormones" -- that's what everyone tells you.

so how do we explain this morning then?

ty washed a shirt of mine last night. a white shirt of mine. a $68 piece of cotton my grandma could have probably made if we're really being honest. he washed it with colors. in hot. he dried it on high. shit losing begins in 5, 4, 3, 2, and...

1. it's 6am, and i'm standing at the end of our bed while ty sleeps. i'm flailing the shirt around telling him how mad i am at him for washing my shirt. "DO NOT wash my clothes!"

good morning.

still crazy.

not sure how long these crazy hormones stick around, but i can tell you one thing. i think i might owe someone an aopogy when they get home.

perhaps for the last 6 months worth of crazy sightings.

liquid gold

i have to blog about this. i have to capture this time in my life where i obsess over something i never in my life expected to obsess over. this whole breast feeding thing is amazing - really, it is. i absolutely LOVE the bond it has created between wyatt and i. i knew i was going to love it before i even gave birth to wyatt. i used to have dreams about breastfeeding, and i could feel the bond, even in my dreams. it was real and it was vivid.

but holy crap, those first two weeks sucked. i said it. one of my dearest friends used to compare the first two weeks of nursing to having a really bad case of short term tourette syndrome. it took about three days for me to totally get it. the first 20 seconds of wyatt's latch were absolute misery. i would rattle off curse words, in no particular order, but frantically hoping that the distraction of saying them would prevent me from throwing my newborn son across the room. i mean, ouch. there were times where i'd even prefer to give birth to him again because the lollipop head experience was beyond easier than what i was experiencing. (there are a few "other" postpartum experiences i WON'T write about in here that also took a close second to the actual sensations of giving birth.)

i got through it - and it was totally worth it. new mamas out there, and soon to be's, you can do it. you freaking had a baby. your nips can take the pain. it really only lasts 2 weeks - and buy these for sure. they saved my life. and my shirts for that matter. i didn't leak through a million shirts in those early days where i was producing enough milk for quadruplets. also, more advice - pump and freeze early if you can! i have to leave on my first over-night on sunday and am so regulated by supply and demand, i haven't been able to save a lot up for my kiddo! which brings me to the reason i am writing this post.

do i really actually hook myself up to an obnoxious sounding machine every day like a farmer does to his cows? do i really obsess over every last drop as if i'm a ridiculous collector of gold? do i really think that if one tiny drop escapes from the valves or membranes or shields (all terms i had no idea i would ever come to know because i never imagined pumping to involve so many pieces and parts - i learned this the hard way in maui if you recall) onto the floor of my man-made impromptu pumping station in my office will really make a difference in the number of ounces i take home that day.

the answer to all of these questions is YES. (and an embarrassing YES to that last one in particular.)

i literally, after every "session" peel back what medela refers to as a "membrane" just to save about 4 drops of milk. totally worth it. yes. it is. to me.

i recently heard this quote and it was my now-version of what oprah would call an a-ha moment: "whoever said 'don't cry over spilled milk' was obviously not a nursing mother". i know some of you are still with me here and going "ok, yah. i don't get it. what is the BFD?"

i'll tell you.

because hooking yourself up to an obnoxious sounding machine on a daily basis, every 3-4 hours, is not really a good time. in fact, most of the time its at the most inconvenient time. my personal favorite: 2am. you know, when everyone in your house is sleeping, and you wish you were because you are the one that actually needs it because you don't get to take a nap the next day. not that i'm complaining. i'm just being honest here folks. pumping isn't fun, and spilling what you've just extracted from yourself is wasted time. time you don't have to waste. time you wish you were doing anything but (my second favorite) sitting on the floor in the corner of your office because that's the only place there's a convenient and accessible electrical outlet. good times.

but let's circle back here. nursing is amazing. it's special and it's empowering. (... and all this talk about if women should breastfeed in public is annoying me. i said that too. aren't there bigger issues to discuss and even argue. really? are we seriously arguing about how and where and when women should feed their babies?) my obsession with my milk production continues as do the conversations i have with my husband about my boobs. even right now, he's shaking his head in disbelief that i'm even writing about this topic. it's been awhile since i've blogged with what some would call inappropriate honesty.

this inappropriate honesty happens to be the story of my life right now - and who better to share it with?

thanks for listening. and am i alone here?  i know of a few readers that are with me for sure, and this one's for you.

regards,

crazy-obsessed milk producer, avoider of all spills and waste