Littlest loves of my life - It's been awhile, but the truth is so much has stayed the same since I last wrote to you both. You're both still loving life at your Montessori school, we still love our house/not so love our neighborhood, and you both are continuing to entertain us with the paradox of sibling-hood. This paradox is represented by the following:

• loving each other / hating each other 
• being best friends / being enemies 
• wanting to be completely hooked at the hip / wanting nothing to do with the other 
• missing each other / hurting each other 

... and most importantly, always ultimately loving each other.

It's so funny watching you guys together -- you're so incredibly different. You always spend more time on the positive side of the paradox spectrum, might I add. The hating each other lasts one of two seconds because separating you two is worse for you both. The days you spend apart, you eat up the evenings catching up on play time. Watching you two reunite after even just an hour or two apart is the best ever. Wyatt, you can't find your words fast enough through the excitement of sharing whatever you believed to be the highlight of your day that summer would appreciate the most. Whatever you both do without the other, you're always thinking about each other. When Wyatt and I are out and about during your nap, Summer - he is ALWAYS thinking about you and talking about you. Always wanting to get you something since you aren't there. Always considering you. Summer, you do the same thing. Always asking what Wyatt's doing when he isn't with us, always including him in our conversation, and wanting to bring him something when we get home.

You both love playing school together upstairs. You color together, play babies together, talk on walkie talkies, watch movies, dance and sing together. You're both obsessed with white boards. And you are currently loving Trolls and the Secret Life of Pets. You watch Peppa every morning, sometimes Daniel Tiger. Wyatt, you sleep later than Summer STILL - typically coming into our room first, and either crawling in our bed for a show or scaring me when you creep up on me after getting out of the shower. Summer, you're up in the 5s most days - always going to your daddy's side first. LOVE YOU for that. The first thing you say is either -- "Da-eeeeee, awfee." or "Da-eeee, shows." It's always two words, even though you speak in complete sentences. You whisper now, but still walk like you have clogs on your feet in the morning. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel toe.

Summer - your hair is either a complete mess, or perfectly braided. There's no in between. You are obsessed with your bunny puppet. You love hugging and kissing, and singing and cuddling. You are equally in love with Daddy and I -- finally, I moved up on your list! You say 'I love you' randomly. You compliment people at random times. "I love your face. I like your bag." or "I like your eyebrows and ears." You often call out that you and I are similar. even this morning, you said "I love you Mommy. We both have gy-nas." Dead.

Wyatt - you yourself can be a walking contradiction. strong willed and persistent, sensitive and vulnerable. You are starting to really enjoy being read to, especially Jack and Annie chapter books. That is our thing every night -- the best reward is to be read to before bed, and the biggest consequence is when I take it away for not listening or talking back. Yah, you are definitely 5 going on 15 sometimes. The talking back is super fun.

You both enjoy swimming and being outside. Winter months are hard on you for this reason, but thankfully your school still takes you outside rain or shine twice a day - because lord knows, I do not. Daddy is the go to adventure guy on the weekends -- always taking you both somewhere Saturday mornings usually. Donuts, coffee, Grammy and Papa's. I am the 1:1 parent - you can count on me for a trip to Target or Costco "just us".

One of your favorite things ever is when Gramma spends the night when Daddy and I bolt out of here for a date night away. She lets you do just about anything as long as you don't fight, whine, or cry. You build massive forts in the living room, watch movies and stay up late, and who knows what else. You are lucky kids -- you have so many people that want to spend time with you. They actually choose to do that over other things. Gramma preferred to ring in the new year with you two crazies instead of go out on the town. See? That much.

We love you both so dang much. I try every day to be the best I can for you - and you continue to do the same. We hate disappointing each other. Every day is a new day, and each day we get better and better at accepting all of the parts of the day, even the shitty ones, as the best parts. You make us so proud to be your parents.

Love, love, love you more.

Your Mama

dear kids: long time, no write.

as I write this to you guys, we're four days in of it being just us. your daddy's on a business trip to napa, and my only goal since he's been gone is to be a present, fun mom. i've really tried you guys. this should be an easy goal - but you're toddlers. and i work a lot. and i have this thing called an iphone that steals my attention from you so much more than it should. it's a hard goal. i'm sorry for that. but it's true.

first, i should also just acknowledge i know it's been forever since i've written to you two. it hit me today on my ride home that i miss doing this for you both. i started to feel like it was an obligation awhile ago and i made the call to take a break -i don't want anything i ever write to you to feel like that. i want it to feel natural, and it 100% needs to be for us - you both, and me. summer, you're right above me, stomping around - singing a song that consists of only one word: "mommmmmy", on repeat. it's 8:15. you've officially been fighting bedtime for an hour. this is an every night occurrence. wyatt, you're currently mad at me. this too, tends to be an every night occurrence. you both seriously go to bed pissed off 6 out of the 7 nights a week. that sounds awful. i promise, we're good parents. but there's locks on the outside of your doors right now. you have these dolls that tell you when it's bed time because you don't listen to us when we tell you. for awhile there (aka the last two years), waking up in the 5s was normal. last month, i couldn't take it anymore. you were owning us, killing us. honestly, we weren't getting enough sleep. none of us. we hated each other a good 65% of the day. exhaustion has to be the number one premature aging cause for anyone in their 30s with toddlers. enough was enough. we needed our sleep back and we took control and it's been good - for the most part. it's 8:22 now, and i am about to give in and walk up there and get you cozy, summer. because again, #everynight #youwin #youoweme #pleasehaveaminiyou. (8:38 and i am back. you had doused yourself in baby lotion, removed your pull up and replaced it with a pair of shorts under your jammie bottoms. nice try, girlfriend. i'm onto you. wyatt, you are completely assed out. 'not going to bed mad at the ones you love' isn't a rule of thumb you're following quite yet.)

so, on day four, which so happens to be a monday, i picked you up from school at 5:05pm and you had mcdonalds for dinner on a picnic blanket at the park across the street from the house. i don't feel guilty about mcdonalds. ever. this is exactly why god invented happy meals. and you both were fucking happy. until you weren't -- when i said it was time to go home and no one would help me carry anything back home so i changed my mind on the fruit snacks i previously offered to give you as a bribe for leaving the park. i also changed my mind on the shower instead of the bath. (you both love the damn shower right now -- you each have your own squeegy thing to wipe the water off of the glass with.) i change my mind a lot. sue me. it's the one thing i have left. my mind. #barely. in all seriousness, i try not to do that but when you guys make things harder than it needs to, i might reverse a decision that was originally intended to benefit you. like fruit snacks, or that extra book, or dinner after bath vs. before. or the shower instead of the bath, or the bath instead of the shower, or no dessert. i remember the power of the changed mind growing up -- you'll catch on soon enough. i am actually counting on it.

wyatt, you're 4 and i never wrote you a letter for your birthday. you're days away from being 4.5. i watched you the other day playing at the park, and you looked ginormous and little at the same time. i clearly remember uncle cam at your age. it was yesterday that he was 4.5 and now, he's 17. he's driving, he's taller than all of us, he works. when i looked at you up there on the jungle gym, i saw the years ahead in seconds, and i imagined seeing you at 17, and flashing back to that moment when you were this paradox of little and small. i wanted time to stop. i do that a lot too - i want time to freeze just as easily as i want it to speed up. another paradox i guess. i want time to stop because i never want to look back and regret anything about you being little. i never want to forget the right now. at the same time, the right now tends to be super hard. so i want things to speed up to when it's not so hard. here's the thing -- i hear it is always hard in it's own way. what's hard right now is that you are little, and i don't always have all of the patience i need to be your mama. you're busy, you ask why a lot, you don't always listen, you absolutely break down when you hear the word "no" and you scare me. i am terrified of any and all what if scenerios that involve you. what if you run into the street when i am not looking? what if you choke on something? what if something happens to you when you go to sleep and i don't hear you? it's terrible what crosses my mind sometimes. you're 4, you're smart, you are getting more and more independent by the day. i need to get a grip.

that book, "i'll love you forever"? describes me perfectly. the one you and summer will pick out and obsess over, and by the end when the lady is crawling into the bedroom with the ladder, i am laughing at how "silly she is" only to hold back all the tears. by the page when he's at his mom's rocking her i have a ball the size of australia in my throat, and by the time he's back home rocking his newborn baby i am an absolute mess. "mommy, you crying? why you crying? why you sad? this book makes you sad? why?" i get her. 100%. i take these pics of you guys almost every night because i am that mom. i will probably be doing that until you move out. i think i will have to draw the line there. me and ladders aren't a good match. and back to being serious -- this is how i will know you're home by curfew every night because you can bet i'll be in your room taking a picture of you asleep. don't mess with me.

you two are absolute perfection together most of the time. you're playing together, laughing with each other, being silly, and already i can see you two learning how to have inside jokes. i say this now, but i can't wait for you guys to make fun of me together. poke at me and call me out on stuff because you can. already you both watch out for each other, my only true ask of you as you grow up together. always, always, always watch out for each other. when your daddy and i are old and pissing ourselves like you two are now, you have to come visit us together so you can talk shit about how crazy we are when you leave. you only have each other.

i am obsessed with you guys. i am getting better at the mom stuff as we go along. i do have to be honest about something. i finally enjoy it. i know that sounds terrible, but you kind of like me more now which makes the job a bit more fun. you're so much better about giving me constructive feedback. you actually tell me when i do something well. it helps. a lot.

today when we had dinner outside, and you sat with me on the blanket enjoying this warm (really warm -- 97 degrees warm!) April day, smiling and sharing sweet and sour sauce, i got that feeling i've needed to feel. i know i am doing some of this right, fast food and all. you're happy kids. i fuck up a lot, and i lose my patience, and i know i hurt your feelings. and you're happy kids. you're patient. and forgiving. and honest. and sensitive. you're funny. polite. energetic. you love to be outside, you're up for anything. so adventurous. and encouraging. you always hug each other goodnight. you're always so happy to see each other in the morning. i love these things about you.

i'll write more. this little break has been good for me. starting again will be good for me too.

love,

me.

life with two

with each passing minute, hour, day, and week things get better. easier. life with two is everything i had hoped it would be. it's also everything i had feared.

it is hard. plain and simple. 

of course, we are so amazingly lucky to have these two amazing life changers. we're blessed. period.

this post is going to be about the god's honest truth. removing rose colored glasses in 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. 

this week started off r o u g h. i had a low mom moment monday afternoon. keeping my patience has really been my one and only goal the past 5 weeks. and i've done really damn good. except for monday afternoon and maybe two other times the week before last. here's the thing - this is all really good for me. spending time alone with both kids is the hardest work i've ever done in my life. in order to make one child happy, it seems it is at the expense of the other. always. lord help me until the day i can actually make them both happy. like really content and thrilled with life, at the same time. right now, keeping them both "happy" is me walking around with an infant hanging off my boob orangutang style while playing ring around the rosie with the other. i'm constantly back and forth between kids - popping a binky into sj's mouth, while cramming string cheese into wyatt's. or restarting the vivrator on sj's  bouncy in our room while singing wheels on the bus with wyatt while he plays with cars in the bathtub.  or my personal favorite (insert sarcasm here), bouncing sj in her bouncy on the island (safe) while browning hamburger on the stove top (back burner), while allowing my son to push every riding car he has out our back slider. 

#whaterverworks #thenewnormal 

the hardest part about it all is remembering i'm still a good mom. a great mom. i love my family and i am doing the best i can. kind of my new matra. even on the hardest of days. even on monday. i may have had a low moment, but i worked my butt off that day to love my kids, keep my sanity, and keep an orderly house. (an orderly house? who am i right now?)

it's about the little moments now with two. the moments where i catch wyatt being so sweet and so gentle with his sister. the moments i know how much he loves her. when i see little flashes of life ahead to times where i know i'll see them protect one another. you see, i gave them such an amazing gift. each other. siblings understand you in a way no one else can. they understand what makes you tick before you even know what that means. they know you before you know yourself. they are always there for you. no matter what. even when you hate each other, you love each other. 

i caught wyatt stealing sweet kisses from his sister and i thought my heart would explode. i know there are so many moments ahead where i feel real pride for my littles. this is only the beginning. 

to say that the work is worth it would be yet another one of my gigantic understatements of a lifetime. 

#welcometomyworld

tag team, back again

we had a pretty gutsy last weekend of summer. i mean, having two kids and going anywhere is pretty much the biggest feat there is outside of child birth. and can i just say, this whole concept of being superwoman at child birth doesn't AT ALL compete with how gigantic my cape is when i am alone with both kids, around 5pm - making dinner amidst feeding a toddler, bouncing and tending to a newborn, and then cleaning up after dinner and bathing said toddler. the 5-7pm window is pretty much crazy town around these parts. and i've never wanted to shout GO ME any louder than the first (and maybe only) time i've done it. holy balls, that's some work right there. and really - what in the h did i have to "complain" about with one. if i could slap myself back in time i would.

perspective is a good thing. damn. gina.

ok, back to our weekend of gutsiness. three words: evergreen state fair. we tag teamed fo sho - ty had wyatt, i had summer and we did the fair. as best we could. with the dumond's - thank the lord. having another family to go with does make you feel like less of a sweaty mess, that's for sure. as if saturday's events weren't brave enough, we decided to take both kids to kirkland to the park.

sounds easy enough.

um. yah. no.

there was no parking.

so we parked up a big ass hill. in front of some rich person's house. i kept imagining them watching us unload as if we were their guests. at one point, i even joked and pretend yelled up to their window that we'd be back in an hour for dinner.

wyatt was in the bob. and thank god the brake on that bad boy worked. because if it didn't our kid would be heading to heaven right about now. think: christmas vacation sled scene.

i sweated my balls off trying to get SJ into her solly baby wrap. she hated it. i hated it too. who in their right mind would enjoy themselves in 80 degrees with a sweaty ball of fire strapped to your chest as you brace yourself in rickity flip flops down a hill made only for someone wearing a helmet and shin/knee/elbow guards?

there were a shit ton of bees. and they loved something about me - my perfume, the striped wrap. god knows, but i am sure i entertained those around me as i swiped the air around me vigorously too many times to count.

i had to nurse SJ there. and the only shaded spot was on a bench right next to the most visited public garbage can. and i had the solly wrap on, and did my best to navigate a swaddle blanket to cover my nip but about 45 seconds in i gave up and said f it. nipple, meet the breeze. and the eyes of a few perverted dudes. after more bee visits, i awkwardly carried my bobble head of a newborn and pushed a top heavy bob stroller up a grassy knoll while ty did his best to chase wyatt around the busy park on the water.

wyatt pooped. and we had no diapers. who in the eff has two kids in diapers and doesn't have one in their diaper bag. so ty had to run, carrying wyatt, back up that giant hill in 80 degrees to change him in the car. the whole time, i waited with SJ as she screamed her full head off as i tried yet again to get her back in the wrap. the girl was not having it.

so just as ty was getting back, we pretty much turned around. and i was that mom carrying her baby while wearing a worthless wrap. ty and i were sweating ridiculous amounts and both kids were in tears as we made our way to the car. i am sure ty wanted to cry too. i sure as hell did.

fun for all.

but the good news is this - we did it. we still got out of the house and took our kids to the dang park. go us.

and we captured a few pics that made the whole event look down right easy too.

this new life

so we're 5 days into this new life of ours. this new, and perfect life. and by perfect i mean full of change, and transition, and newness, and adjusting. a new life of heart bursting moments, and heart wrenching one's too.

it's all amazingly good. and there's a lot i want to share about these first few days. but not a lot of time to do it. we're doing all the things we should be doing right now and every day gets easier and easier. wyatt is surprisingly obsessed with summer. i didn't expect this at all. i thought he was going to be too busy to notice her. he is obsessed. and aggressive. think: of mice and men. it's a tad nerve wracking. for now, here's the last few days in pictures. i've written her birth story, but waiting to include a few pics from our birth photographer before posting.

we've hunkered down and embracing the changes as they've come. we're a team and if i thought i was crazy in love with my husband when wyatt was born, multiply that feeling by infinity this time around. having a toddler while bringing another little person into this life is incredibly different. we've gotten such amazing support from our moms, which we would have died without those first couple of days. our houseful of trucks and cars is now accompanied with accents of pink - burp cloths, swaddlers, binkies, and onesies, scatter this place. it couldn't be more perfect. wyatt seems so big to me. his smile takes up his entire face every morning when he realizes he gets to see the "bebe" and the pure joy coming from that kid is contagious.

we are happy and we know it. sing with me now.

more to come as we continue to learn new things about our family. thank you to everyone for your continued support and love. we can't wait to share our girl with so many of you after we get a bit more settled.