I started writing to you guys long before we met. I imagined what each of you would be like years before you were here, and part of our family. I always come back to this one thought: it was always you.

Whatever I imagined my life to be before you is everything I had hoped for, yet nothing I ever expected. You are the best parts of your daddy and I. All three of you. We made three of you. It still blows my mind that we created this family together, and after all of these years, we still can't put how much we love you into words. You each are individually so incredibly special, yet together you are all so intricately connected. It's like you've always known each other. It's like you've already lived a life well before this one together. 

I continue to come back to this idea that we're all here to learn. Each life is here to capture the moments, learn from the good decisions and the mistakes, and work hard to evolve and embrace what's thrown at us. Each of you are an educator, constantly teaching and loving me despite my mis-steps. I try hard to catch myself when I know I've made a mistake. When I know I owe you an apology - usually for losing my cool, for yelling, for over-reacting. You love me anyway. You continue to show me grace, see the good in me, and love me hard. Anyway. 

This summer was sure a ride. I was out numbered, and out mastered most of the time. I stumbled, you stumbled, and in the end we found our groove. Three kids against one mommy is no joke. I honestly hope for my own enjoyment that each of you brave three kids for three months S O L O. I can't wait to watch that go down. 9 grandkids though? Yes please. What I woudn't give. 

I wish I had the energy to capture every memory from our time together since I left the corporate world. It's been 6 months since work started to look differently for me, and while you're too little to know it now, this is just as much for you as it is for me. Sometimes it's easy to chalk it up to having three small kids as the reason leaving a big company job made sense. The truth is, I was ready to push myself professionally WHILE pushing myself as a mom. I wanted to look back, while watching you guys snag that diploma or walk that alter and be thankful that all of my years with you, just us, WERE NOT A BLUR. I want this time to be all of the things - even hard, and scary, and rough - as I watch you each become independently YOU. 

Tonight, we broke out your new buffalo check and plaid pajamas. Wyatt and Summer in red/black buffalo check, and Shelby in the last 18-24 months plaid Old Navy had. All you guys wanted to do was tumble around and goof off. So much so, I never got a good picture of you guys for Daddy, who's working late and staying overnight in Seattle tonight. (P.S. I always write my best notes to you when he's not home so I can cry as I write without any concern or interruption. "You cryin' babe?") Earlier, we played outside with the neighbors, Shelby cozy in the bob stroller while Wyatt and Summer killed it at hide and seek until it started to get dark. Our days start slow now, Daddy usually taking you to school while I've been trying to walk to get you as often as I can. Except for today, when I let Shelby sleep until 3:30 when school got out at 3:35. I had no choice but to drive and wait in car line to get you. Wyatt, you're so responsible and eager to not disappoint anyone, practically dragging Summer by her back pack to get in the line in time for me to pull up. Summer, you constantly push the boundaries. I'm scared for what's to come with you. Seriously. Don't push your luck in high school, or else. 

Going into our summer together, I was so scared of being on my own with you guys for long periods of time. It intimidated me to think of taking you anywhere on my own. Often times, it paralyzed me. We overcame that, and found ourselves at the park, out to lunch, and a few times, at Gramma's pool. Solo parenting you guys is still not my favorite thing to do and there are things I do far better that I'd rather do instead. Yet, I am so proud of us. I am so thankful for you, and your patience and grace. I know you'll end up in therapy for all of my fuck ups as a mom, but while you're there you better not, for a single second, doubt how much I love you. That would kill me. 

Tonight, I tucked your warm, squirmy, easily ticklish bodies into your beds. Each of you with your very distinct squishy cheeks that I snuggle my face into and sniff in every night. If I was blind, and only had your cheeks to distinguish you by, you can bet I'd nail it every single time. Wyatt, yours especially, are exactly the same as they were the moment my face met yours the night you were born. 

I love you guys so much. I am not a perfect mom, and you love me anyway. I hope you get to feel the feels that I have for each of you some day, because it will be in those moments that you will truly know what it means to me, to be your mom. 

Goodnight, and I love you, sweet babies of mine.

If you know what's good for you, you'll sleep past 6. 

XOXO,

Your Mama

Shelby Kate's Birth Story

If you were to ask me 5 years ago, when I wrote Summer's birth story, if I thought that I would ever write another birth story again, you would have heard me say "hell no, I am absolutely never doing THAT again!".  Summer's birth was hard on me - physically for obvious reasons, but mentally as well. Doing "THAT" again wasn't in the cards. When we decided to go for a third baby, I knew that I'd never have "THAT" kind of birth again. While it was a natural water birth with the most amazing team ever, I was in a mindset I never wanted to be in again. I did a lot of things differently leading up to Shelby's birth to help me create a new and unique experience. One where I wouldn't find myself comparing her story to Wyatt's or Summer's, but to create one that was uniquely ours.

Before I get into my actual labor, I just want to hit on a couple of important things that helped me prepare for this birth. Leading up to Shelby's birth we met with my incredible birth team at Eastside Birth Center in Bellevue, WA. Monthly visits prepared me emotionally to let go of the elements of birth that are outside of my control, and to grab onto the things that absolutely were. We decided to plan for a home birth, with the intention that changing my environment would make for an immediate differentiator. We talked about things that I had buried deep for years, and fears that crept up were addressed and processed so that I could continue staying in the positive head space I had wanted to be in this time around. Choosing a birth team that you connect with is truly the most important step in working towards having the birth you want. Feeling heard, respected, and loved throughout your journey to your labor day makes for the most incredible birth experience. I really believe that. The second most important decision you'll make when planning for the birth you want is to hire yourself a doula. My doula, Kristin Dibeh, has 20 years of experience, yet treats every pregnancy, mother, labor and baby as it's own individual experience. I love that about her. I took her birth preparedness class before I had Wyatt almost 7 years ago, and used her incredible book, Expecting Kindness this time to get myself ready. It's her entire lesson plan in writing. Genius. Kristin knows me well, and insisted we have a few chats before labor day. Looking back, I am pretty sure she sensed there may be a deeper hesitation in me that she didn't want to creep in on labor day. She was right. I was completely doubting my why. I had lost it. I had forgotten why it was that I wanted a home birth. Why did I decide to take the hard route, and go unmedicated? Why didn't I just go to the hospital and get an epidural and numb myself from these feelings of pain? When she and I talked, about 2 weeks before she was able to pull this out of me. She's that good, I tell ya. What she told me is something I will never forget. I wasn't choosing the 'hard route'. Birth is hard. No matter how you slice it. It's painful. No matter how you slice it. Unmedicated birth might be painful in the moment, and less so after. Medicated births might be less so in the moment, and more so after. Each birth is different, and there is no easy way out. One way isn't harder or easier when it comes to experiencing pain. That was pivotal in helping me to recall my why. I wanted to experience every piece of my births. I wasn't afraid of pain. And I could do it. I would do it. I did do it.

The week leading up to my due date I knew that Chris, the midwife that had attended both Wyatt and Summer's births was going to be on vacation and off call over Memorial Day weekend. We both thought I'd hold out until she was back but that Friday before Memorial Day, I knew things were kicking up. I was having contractions inconsistently and they were super manageable but things were changing. That Friday was the best day. I worked a bit in the morning before grabbing a few groceries at Trader Joe's and having lunch with Ty at Cactus, one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We were able to talk about what was to come, and walk around town and head home before he went to get the kids from school. I napped and snuck over to visit my brother, sister in law, and baby niece knowing it would be the last visit I'd get for awhile just me. It was so special. That night after the kids went to bed, Ty and I got cozy and watched a movie, while I ignored subtle contractions, before heading to bed. I fell asleep wondering if these little inconsistent contractions would change into something more serious. At 6am that next morning, May 26th, I woke up to pee and saw my bloody show. Instantly I knew this was it, as this had been a sign in my first two births, and that Chris would miss it. I called my doula and considered doing what I could to 'hold off' until Monday when Chris was back but decided that wasn't a way to meet our baby. I'd let this baby take the lead and we'd meet him or her soon enough. (To this day, I still can't believe we didn't find out the gender!) The day was pretty laid back once we had the big kids picked up by my father in law around 10:30am. It was obvious I couldn't really get to work until they were gone. From there, Ty and I grabbed lunch at Taco Time (still dying at this choice) and headed to Fred Meyer because I realized I didn't have any white newborn onesies. Urgent need, right? LOL. We went home, and napped from about 1:30-3:30 and around 4 asked my best friend/soul sister/soul mate Annie to head over. We also asked our amazing birth photographer/videographer, Jessica of One Tree Photography to make her way to us.

Annie showed up with dinner and such contagious energy. Annie is so many things to me. She always knows just what I need and having her there made me feel so in the moment and excited to be doing this again. She is an incredible friend and instantly puts me at ease in any situation. She also brings an element of inappropriateness that I desperately love and need at all times. I wish I could remember all of her little comments and jokes that she so perfectly brings to all occasions. Shelby's birth was no different.

Ty filled the tub, and his wine glass, and was just everything I needed him to be that day. He's always everything I need him to be. I know he wasn't always excited about a home birth, but he trusted me and he knew to support me on this one. That day, he rose to the occasion, as usual. 

My sweet Mama and my birth team arrived around 7pm, and that's when things really started to change. I wasn't totally sure if asking them to come was the right call, but once they arrived I was able to let go and allow myself to really start focusing on getting this baby out! Kat, the midwife on call was so sweet and fantastic from the second she walked in. She was a huge differentiator and played a role in making this birth it's own very special birth. We had dinner and laughed a lot. They enjoyed wine with their pasta, while I chowed. It was a Saturday night dinner party. Except I was having a baby, on display in my underwear.

After I happily gobbled up my dinner, I decided I needed a change of scenery so we made our way upstairs. I labored around our bathroom with Annie for a few and saw a warm filled birth tub and wanted to get in. The contractions were getting harder, and it felt like a good time to give it a whirl. I think the next hour or so was probably my favorite part of the night. I was so in the moment with my crew. In between contractions, I laughed with them and smiled, and just enjoyed being present with them. It felt so easy to have a room full of people watching me, for whatever reason. And it was a full room. We had Ty, my mom, Annie, Kat, Kristin, Jessica, and a couple of birth assistants. Oh and Ben, our sweet pup who didn't want to leave my side. 

At around 10pm, Kat asked to check me. I knew I was having way too much fun and the chances that I'd have to get my ass out of the tub and actually do something to get this babe out were very high. I decided that getting checked was a good idea just so I wasn't in the tub without much change for longer than I needed to be. With the help of my doula Kristin, we asked that I get checked but that no actual number be shared. I didn't want that to discourage me, but could definitely handle being told that I should hop out and work a little harder for a bit to bring on some more change. From the pictures and video, I can see that I was feeling a little deflated but I honestly don't remember it. I just remember owning it and getting out and getting it done. Around this time, my dad arrived. I just loved that he was there. (He waited and worried downstairs the majority of the time and made his way up for the actual birth.) I walked the stairs quite a bit, took breaks with Ty at the bottom and top, threw up in there somewhere, and soon found myself on the bed trying a new position that absolutely killed. Laying down during active labor is not awesome. The contractions and breaks between were both long. I took advantage of the breaks and probably only had about 5 in that position before getting up and doing this weird leg up on the bed position. As awkward and as painful as that was, it created change and I was immediately in the bathroom throwing up again. This is when I felt really bad for myself. I remember sobbing while doing the two things I hate most in life - throwing up and contracting. Not the best combination, but probably took me into a form of transition. I really don't know when I went into transition honestly, but looking back on this moment and it's intensity I believe this could have been it. That said, it was still over an hour and a half until I met my baby. I got into the shower, and let my body take advantage of being upright. I swayed, and moaned, and let the hot water beat against my back and belly. I found a rhythm where I'd face the water during a break, and turn my back to the water during a contraction. I moved through these for awhile and waited for the birth tub to get refilled.  

At around 12:30am, I made my way back in the tub. This was when my experience stands out as unique and different from Wyatt and Summer's, physically. With Wyatt, the change from contractions to pushing was distinct. It was obvious. It was a relief. It was exciting. With Summer, the change was fast and my body was moving so quickly that my head couldn't keep up. This time, with each contraction that last hour, it would evolve into a push. It was like half a contraction, and half a push.  For a really long time. It confused me. It felt long, and drawn out. I got breaks between that were long enough for me to analyze and at one point Kat kicked everyone out just so Ty and I could be in the dark together without an audience. When everyone left, we looked into each other's eyes as I squatted and I just processed out loud. He listened, always so patiently. I decided to lay on my back and just accept the pain as it was and give in. In a matter of minutes my sounds changed, and everyone was back in the room and the lights were on. With a contraction or two, I felt enormous pressure.  It was indescribable beyond that. Huge, intense, pressure. A pop later, I knew my water had broken. It felt like forever at that point, but it was only 6 minutes later that her head was out. Her head was out, and I knew in that moment the worst of it was over. I leaned over, and just waited. I waited for the next contraction where I knew my baby would be out. I just laid there in my doula's arms as she stroked my hair. I took my breaths. I heard nothing but my breath. About a minute later, on May 27th at 1:38am according to my mama and 1:40 according to my birth team, my baby was out and in my arms and all I could do was beg for help to get her into my arms so I could see her face. She was caked in vernix around her back and bootie. We waited another 6 minutes before learning her gender and it was the most glorious 6 minutes. Just looking at her, smelling her, touching her, and enjoying her - all before knowing she was a her. In that moment, her gender didn't matter. I was so in love. I was so proud of us. All of us. We did it. Each and every one of us in that room, and her. We did it. She was there, safe and beautiful and breathing and crying. Perfectly born in our home, just as I had imagined for the last 9 months.

I felt she was a girl the whole time I was pregnant, but of course, you have to prepare for both because you don't know know until they are in your arms. It was a magical moment and I'm so thankful that it's on video because watching it back and seeing my reaction is so special. She looked exactly like Summer to me the moment I saw her. Even then, I didn't know she was girl until we looked. I just knew, that whatever she was, she looked just like her big sister. I love looking back on that moment knowing it really didn't matter at all. We told the room her name, Shelby, and that we were still not totally sure on her middle name. (We decided on her middle name a few hours after everyone left.)

Ty did skin to skin next, and I waited to birth my placenta which ended up being almost as dramatic as Shelby's birth. (It took forever to come out, which lead to clots and bleeding that could have lead to a hospital visit if my body wouldn't have gotten it's act together. Luckily it did, and all was fine after a pitocin drip and some aggressive massaging.)

Everyone except for me knew she was huge at just the sight of her, the second she came out. Apparently her back fat gave that away! I didn't really piece together why it was so long and hard to push her out, but she was huge at almost 10 pounds. (Wyatt was 7 pounds 12 oz, and Summer was 8 and half pounds for reference.) When we learned her weight, 9 pounds 12 oz, I don't think anyone thought she'd be that big. The guesses were around 9 pounds, max. She was 21.5 inches long.

Having Shelby at home was the best decision for me. Her birth was so incredibly healing after feeling like such a negative version of myself during Summer's birth. I felt positive and in the moment the entire time. I felt her birth physically (obviously - hot damn, she was massive) and emotionally. I was in the right headspace, and each person there was strong for me the entire time. They were there, breathing with me. (One of my most favorite parts of the video is when Annie is literally breathing with me.) They never left me, they never doubted me, and they worked dang hard to make sure I didn't doubt me either. They reminded me what I was capable of, and they encouraged me to trust my body. Without them, the most amazing team, this birth wouldn't have been exactly what I needed it to be. I will always look back on Shelby's birth as uniquely ours, with so many familiar and special elements to her sister and brother's births, but her very own individual and magical story. 

Welcome to the world, Shelby Kate. Our surprise baby. You've changed the game, sister. We love you more than we'll ever be able to tell you because it was actually YOU that completed our family. It was always YOU that we've been waiting for. Thank you for choosing us to be yours forever. 

You can watch Shelby's birth video here and hopefully together this post and the video bring her beautiful birth to life for you. 

family babymoom (no bikini shots for a reason)

this past week was filled with real, no supplement needed, vitamin D - thank you very much. we went away for 5 days - and it was just what this little fam needed. quality time with our little bug, a pool, the hot sun, gramma, unky, nana, popsie, and my ultimate fave - coffee bean.

you know that game where you go around the dinner table and say the high of your day and the low of your day. i'm going to try it now - minus the table. 

high of the trip: enjoying the small moments with wyatt and noticing how much he's grown up - all of the things he picks up on, how he communicates (grunts) with us, how observant he is... how much he loves his gramma and unky (the excitement on his face when he sees them is pretty much priceless -- ty and i never get this reaction out of him. it's like he hasn't seen them for days every time he sees them!). he's at the best age right now. and i am proud of myself for being in the moment last week - something i feel like i haven't done well for quite some time. 

low of the trip: hmm... how do i put this nicely without offending my sweet baby girl someday? hard not to just be honest with this one... being pregnant. feeling large and in charge. wearing tight swimsuits. feeling as if i was growing a baby in each arm. being tired. a lot. not being able to drink by the pool. being tired. feeling fat. did i say that already? 

i've got a couple of post topics i need to get out there -- 1. an update on the second time around (teaser: it's not as awesome as round one, i feel huge, and tired, and not in the moment, and guilty - a lot.) 2. naming this bambinette --- holy crap, what's our problem? we can't land on a name for the life of us. we named wyatt when i was negative 658 days pregnant. this time around, it's sooooo much harder. suggestions welcome at this point - we're just adding to the list.

hippity hop >> easter weekend in photos

i'm playing a super fun game of catch up on here (not). i feel like a lame-o lazy ass blogger these days -- but my justification is that i am trying to spend as much quality time with these wonderful peeps i am proud to call my family. i've done a lot of traveling for work the last month or so, and i am doing this weird thing called "building a baby" that is kicking my ass hard.

easter weekend was a hit. we had the best weather -- 70s and absolutely gorgeous. blue skies, a pretty yard, and some good old fashioned family and friend time. i hosted a bridal shower for my sister in law that i'd say was a pretty decent hit. we had an extremely relaxing easter sunday - split between jenkey time, just us time, and extended family time.

i'm doing uuuuuh lot of reflecting these days, knowing that this little tripod of ours is about to have four legs. i'm soaking in our little man as much as i can. it's a weird feeling knowing that this little routine we have, the one that took, oh i don't know, 17 months to get right is about to be changed up again. it's exciting. and extremely f-ing scary. anyone with me?

until we shake things up again in 3 months, i am going to get this (growing at a fairly large rate) ass in gear and write more - document these feelings (and fears) so that i can look back at this time and remember exactly what it felt like. i know i have these thoughts for a reason - time to get them out of my head (and into the blogosphere!? right...).

fall is in the air

pretty happy with the fact we've had 70+ degree weather for the first two weeks of fall... i love sunny, fall days. we had a little adventure yesterday to the pumpkin patch and i'm not sure we could have had any more fun with our little pumpkin. he was a-mazed with all there was to see at craven farms. such a cute pumpkin farm. a few years back, we went with the stookey's and i can remember us all talking about how much different it would be going there with our kids someday.

the best. hands down. when he's excited about something, like really excited, he'll do this funny "uhhhh" sound but he'll hit about 5 different octaves when he does it. he did it over and over, and over, and over again yesterday. we could barely get him to smile because he was so distracted. this is rare. we were "those parents" yesterday too. big camera. lots of nick name calling, jumping, clapping, tickling. you name it. it didn't work. we had been trumped. and good thing, we needed him to remind us to just... get ready for it... enjoy the moment.

not really sure how much cuter this kid can get. it really is true, you start seeing things through your kids eyes. all of this was so brand new to him and he loved every second of it. we are actually going to head back when they get the animals in the barn. since it was kick off weekend, they weren't pulling out all the goods until they have some of the bigger crowds. makes sense. not. um, it's opening weekend. get with it. 

i really should explain this picture of ty. i just told him he looked like forrest gump. he wore bright white tennis shoes yesterday and they seriously looked humungous up on this tractor. i snapped the picture just as i said it. priceless. this is one of my favorite expressions ty makes - and usually it's when i've surprised him by my irreplaceable wit. it's true.

i have to give it to craven. red wagons? yes, please. this place was fall perfection at it's finest. every turn was made of picturesque-ness times infinity. like these mums. i don't even like mums. but these mums? perfect.

happy fall time, from our home to yours. now i am trying to think about what other fall traditions i want to start incorporating into the jensen fam. gotta fill a few weekends before the house is filled with christmas music, hot toddies, and cookie baking! any ideas are welcome folks.

coming soon: wyatt's 11 month letter, and the little mr.'s first birthday party. what.the.heck.