I started writing to you guys long before we met. I imagined what each of you would be like years before you were here, and part of our family. I always come back to this one thought: it was always you.

Whatever I imagined my life to be before you is everything I had hoped for, yet nothing I ever expected. You are the best parts of your daddy and I. All three of you. We made three of you. It still blows my mind that we created this family together, and after all of these years, we still can't put how much we love you into words. You each are individually so incredibly special, yet together you are all so intricately connected. It's like you've always known each other. It's like you've already lived a life well before this one together. 

I continue to come back to this idea that we're all here to learn. Each life is here to capture the moments, learn from the good decisions and the mistakes, and work hard to evolve and embrace what's thrown at us. Each of you are an educator, constantly teaching and loving me despite my mis-steps. I try hard to catch myself when I know I've made a mistake. When I know I owe you an apology - usually for losing my cool, for yelling, for over-reacting. You love me anyway. You continue to show me grace, see the good in me, and love me hard. Anyway. 

This summer was sure a ride. I was out numbered, and out mastered most of the time. I stumbled, you stumbled, and in the end we found our groove. Three kids against one mommy is no joke. I honestly hope for my own enjoyment that each of you brave three kids for three months S O L O. I can't wait to watch that go down. 9 grandkids though? Yes please. What I woudn't give. 

I wish I had the energy to capture every memory from our time together since I left the corporate world. It's been 6 months since work started to look differently for me, and while you're too little to know it now, this is just as much for you as it is for me. Sometimes it's easy to chalk it up to having three small kids as the reason leaving a big company job made sense. The truth is, I was ready to push myself professionally WHILE pushing myself as a mom. I wanted to look back, while watching you guys snag that diploma or walk that alter and be thankful that all of my years with you, just us, WERE NOT A BLUR. I want this time to be all of the things - even hard, and scary, and rough - as I watch you each become independently YOU. 

Tonight, we broke out your new buffalo check and plaid pajamas. Wyatt and Summer in red/black buffalo check, and Shelby in the last 18-24 months plaid Old Navy had. All you guys wanted to do was tumble around and goof off. So much so, I never got a good picture of you guys for Daddy, who's working late and staying overnight in Seattle tonight. (P.S. I always write my best notes to you when he's not home so I can cry as I write without any concern or interruption. "You cryin' babe?") Earlier, we played outside with the neighbors, Shelby cozy in the bob stroller while Wyatt and Summer killed it at hide and seek until it started to get dark. Our days start slow now, Daddy usually taking you to school while I've been trying to walk to get you as often as I can. Except for today, when I let Shelby sleep until 3:30 when school got out at 3:35. I had no choice but to drive and wait in car line to get you. Wyatt, you're so responsible and eager to not disappoint anyone, practically dragging Summer by her back pack to get in the line in time for me to pull up. Summer, you constantly push the boundaries. I'm scared for what's to come with you. Seriously. Don't push your luck in high school, or else. 

Going into our summer together, I was so scared of being on my own with you guys for long periods of time. It intimidated me to think of taking you anywhere on my own. Often times, it paralyzed me. We overcame that, and found ourselves at the park, out to lunch, and a few times, at Gramma's pool. Solo parenting you guys is still not my favorite thing to do and there are things I do far better that I'd rather do instead. Yet, I am so proud of us. I am so thankful for you, and your patience and grace. I know you'll end up in therapy for all of my fuck ups as a mom, but while you're there you better not, for a single second, doubt how much I love you. That would kill me. 

Tonight, I tucked your warm, squirmy, easily ticklish bodies into your beds. Each of you with your very distinct squishy cheeks that I snuggle my face into and sniff in every night. If I was blind, and only had your cheeks to distinguish you by, you can bet I'd nail it every single time. Wyatt, yours especially, are exactly the same as they were the moment my face met yours the night you were born. 

I love you guys so much. I am not a perfect mom, and you love me anyway. I hope you get to feel the feels that I have for each of you some day, because it will be in those moments that you will truly know what it means to me, to be your mom. 

Goodnight, and I love you, sweet babies of mine.

If you know what's good for you, you'll sleep past 6. 

XOXO,

Your Mama

Mama on a Mission

When they handed me each of my babies, I can tell you that without a doubt something shifted inside of me. Of course I was filled with relief that I was done with each labor, and of course feeling like a damn Superwoman for what I had just achieved. Layering on top of that feeling of achievement, was purpose. It was in those moments that I was responsible for how these little people began to morph and become who they were. At the same time, I was just as responsible for how I continued to morph and become who I was - as a mama, wife, friend, and whatever it was I wanted to become at 30, 31 and 36. The most noticeable feeling of evolution inside me happened with Shelby 14 months ago. I had been visualizing this life with three kids leading up to her birth. I imagined Shelby as this opportunity to experience our growing family a little more deliberately. A do-over in some ways, but more than that a reason to apply what I'd learned about myself up until that point. Wyatt and Summer's earliest months (if I'm honest, years) were hard. I wasn't recognizable to myself most of the time, yet looking back it was all part of the process. It was a blur. Having two kids under two is crazy. Toss in two working (and very driven) parents, two dogs, a terrible commute, super high expectations of oneself and you've got yourself an absolute shit show. It took about 4 years to get my head above water and on a little straighter. Fast forward another two years and an extra kid, and I think I've got a few more things figured out. 

I love being a mom. And I think it's the hardest job I've had in my life. I've had some really hard jobs in the past. Countless professional experiences that have challenged me, scared me, pushed and pulled me. I've had more monkeys thrown on my back than I can count, and I've lost more sleep over difficult conversations than I'd like to admit. I've spoken in front of thousands of people before, and I've made more mistakes than I expected to in my career thus far. To this day, being home with two and now three kids by myself day after day has been the most challenged, scared, pushed, and pulled that I've ever been in my life. Yet, there is no where else I'd rather be. 

And still I know, there's more to and for me. 

I've always thought about being able to eventually, perhaps a few years down the road, begin to pursue some dreams that allow me to be home but also tick off some really important buckets for me professionally. My career has always included my passion for leadership coaching and development, and a few years ago I got certified as a professional coach. Through that program and the years since, it was super clear to me that work for me could be play. I could make it happen and it wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. Supporting and coaching executives to search inside themselves to show up as the leader they were always meant to be never felt like work to me. And that's the kind of job I've always wanted.

In November of last year, I decided to jump at the opportunity sitting right in front of me - my Beautycounter business. I didn't know it at the time, but that big jump was the very first step in getting me to right where I am today. Today, I am home with my kids and getting ready to launch my professional coaching business. Beautycounter tested me in ways I didn't know I needed to be tested. I found some dormant confidence (it was always there, I just lost it for awhile) and experienced work as play, and on my terms. This was an unexpected stop along the way to where I am now, but without it I think I might still be dreaming of what work on my terms, could look like for me. 

Work on my terms doesn't feel like work at all. 

I'm a mama on a mission to evolve with and for my kids. Every single day I try something new that scares or stretches me - in my work as a mom, my work to get safer products into the hands of everyone, or the work I'm doing to prepare for my gig as an executive coach. I hope I can be an example to them that we're always learning, and we get to change our paths and have as many turns as we choose. 

After all, if we're not happy in our work, what are we actually working for? 

Dear Shelby, You're 1.

Sweet girl, how in the world are we here, 365 days since we first locked eyes? I haven't seemed to really put my head around any of this. Yet, here we are. Time is funny like that. You'll experience this when you have your own tiny one someday. You have zero control over how quickly things move, and time will never fly so fast than it will when you start your family. Someone once told me it's like sand in your hands, this time of our life. They were right. It slips so fast I can't catch it and the best way I know how is to be as present as possible. You'll notice I haven't written to you has much, or at all, the last 12 months like I did with your sister and brother. I made a choice around 3 months with you to write less, and live more. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for that. I was so intimidated as a new mom with both Wyatt and Summer that I found comfort writing about my feelings to them in my downtime, rather than being more present in real time. With you, I wanted to feel it, live it, see it, more. You are quite possibly, almost definitely, our last baby. There is something about knowing that, combined with doing this a third time, that helped me experience you differently. From pregnancy, birth, to now at the first year mark. I will remember things differently with you, and funny enough that has kind of been the goal since the second we found out we were pregnant with you. I wanted everything to be different. I wanted to be different. And while you're the 'reason', Wyatt and Summer have benefited from you in this department as well. They've experienced me differently because of you. You're like this heat that warms us. You're the center, the fire, of our family right now. You don't even know how much you've taught all of us already.

Your personality is so damn funny. We see you as this opinionated, silly, vocal, little person. There's never a moment we don't know how you are feeling. One second you are calm and kicked back, and seconds later you can change on a dime and show us you are busy and present and loud. You love attention, but you love your space. (Very hard to come by, by the way!) You want to be around us and touched and cuddled, but you also want to be moving, and doing everything yourself.

At one, you are kind of sort of saying Mama, you blow bubbles, and you are taking about 8 steps at a time. You dance and sing (currently T-Swift is your fave), and stand and shake your booty. You love your chairs, food (anything, really but especially raspberries), you poop on schedule every day at 5am (not my favorite thing about you, I admit), and you nap and go to bed like a pro. Your thumbs are your BFF, and you love water and climbing the stairs.

You are smart and super aware of what's going on around you. You see and then you do. It's pretty impressive how you pick up on things happening around you. You are confident and spirited, and you love your people. And we sure love you.

Here's to all you are, and all you'll be little one. Thank you for choosing us. You're everything and more when we dreamed about you. You are our dream come true.

Happiest first birthday to you, and here's to many more to come.

Love,
Mama

Well, Friends - Here goes nothing!

If you've followed along on my journey via social media or here on my blog, you know there isn't much I've kept 'off the table'. I pretty much put it all out there. Sharing, in "real life" and on social media, is how I show vulnerability, and allow myself to relate and be relatable. Relationships and connections give me energy and life, and while it hasn't always been easy to put myself out there, it's always had such an incredible return. Over the years, I've gained so much by allowing myself to open up to family, friends, and strangers alike. When I do this, those who were once strangers quickly become friends, and over time, my friends, become family.

This year, my word is COURAGE. This special place is where I want to find the courage to be vulnerable, in writing, again. I am hungry to talk more about the beautiful and hard things that come along with being an evolving mama of three. As a Clean + Better Beauty Activist, I'd love to keep you in the know on all things #betterbeauty. Things like, fun #switchtosafer options for you and your family, cool Beautycounter promotions, offers, events, along with the many other clean brands that are worth looking at as we explore safer personal care and home products together. And lastly, as a professionally certified Solution-Oriented Coach, from time to time I'm pretty sure I'll offer insight that may interest you in your very own evolution - both personally and professionally.

A sincere thank you for coming along with me, and I look forward to connecting with you here, in a new way. 

Let's do this,

Dear Summer - 5

sweet girl, how did it happen that five years flew so fast? you are in kindergarten now, and i just can't believe how you get more and more cool with each passing year. you really are the coolest. so warm hearted and confident. the perfect mix of sensitive and kick ass. silly and serious, smart and witty. each year, i come up with new words to describe you. the latest role you've taken on is that you are a big sister now, and just amazing at it. your natural instincts with shelby are so impressive. you are so nurturing. i guess you've learned a thing or two from all of your special baby dolls - cindy, cici (although, i don't know which one this is exactly -- it seems cici is the name that transfers to the babies you like for a few minutes each), and emma. you are quick to complete your tasks, and this past year in pre-k we often heard reference to you rushing through your work just to finish first. this has been you since you started to realize you liked to beat wyatt at any and everything you could. so, i am not surprised this is popping up at school too.

speaking of school, you started at a new one this year with wyatt. and the moment your daddy and i saw the classroom when we toured it, we knew this was your classroom. we saw the chickens, met flash, the classroom turtle and learned you'd be going on a field trip a month. you belonged in ms. ashmore's class and you are doing great. we're so proud of you. the way you write your little name melts me. your bestfriend mashita is in your class, and that came as the biggest and best surprise to us. when we decided to go the private school route, we had no idea your little bestie was on her way to the same school.

you started riding your bike full speed back in january when you saw wyatt get a shit ton of attention, and you learned how to swim this year when you needed to keep up with him, too. you are happy 99% of the time. you're getting a little tougher on us, but that usually only happens when you're tired. you still wake up early AF but it's getting better. you let me do your hair every morning while watching 'baby shows' on the ipad. the breakdowns aren't frequent and they don't last forever, but they are like a tornado when they show up. we all take cover and hide until it's passed. it's best for everyone.

you are still charming beyond belief, and if that doesn't catch the attention of anyone you make contact with first, it's your smile and your big heart. your hugs still rock, and you are desperate to keep us in your room at night for as long as possible. you pull out all of your charm, and you won't give up until you know we're about to lose our shit if you don't let us leave your room without a fight. you know your limits. you still start each day with daddy and a bowl of cereal. you have the most amazing sense of humor and lately what you tend to crack up at is shelby. there's something about her expressions, or her toots, that send you into an uproar of laughter. i want to never forget you laughing so hard when we did solids with her for the first time jus last week. she gagged, and you couldn't handle it. you were dying. you even said, "my heart is laughing so hard" and then you ended up with hiccups. she cracks you up.

you make us so happy, honey. you are the best. the best daughter. the best little sister to wyatt (still challenging him to the max). you are the best big sister to shelby (a total natural little mama). you love us with all you have. you live your life like i hope you always do - full speed ahead, hair blowing in the wind and always smiling.

happy 5th year beautiful, strong girl.

love,

mommy

for wyatt - my teacher

buddy,

it's almost been 7 years since we met. 7 years since you made me a mama. i had no idea what i was doing back then. and guess what? i still don't. at least with you. you and i cross bridges together for the first time, practically daily. and sometimes those walks together are sunny walks across, not a cloud in the sky. sometimes we're skipping, holding hands, laughing and it's quite literally a walk in the park. other times, it's pouring rain, you're crying, and i'm yelling to hurry up. we've had lots and lots of changes the last year. especially the last 6 weeks - lots of firsts. first grade started 6 weeks ago, new routines, new school, new teacher, homework (lots of homework!), reading, and more questions about how things work and why coming at us like darts. you are so curious and inquisitive. i think it's my favorite thing about you. you are very into lights right now, and really anything electric. you love learning how things work. (in hawaii on our third night, you let curiosity get the best of you when you touched a hot floor can light. oh my gosh, you poor guy. we felt so bad for you, little love.) you have really grown up and as i write this, i realize i haven't written you a birthday letter in a bit. crap.) you are protective, and kind. you are the sweet boy at school, i can just tell. when we'd ask your teacher Ms. Lisa (you had her for two straight years!) how you were doing in school, or when we'd meet with her at conferences, she'd always cock her head and her tone said it all. she really loved having you in her class. you are a natural leader and you love playing family and school with summer. you set up your room, her room and the playroom as classrooms most of the time, and get out all of your stuffies and dolls and bring them to school and do classroom things that you've learned while being a student yourself. you are just beginning to read after it started to click late into kindergarten in may/june. you have a tendency to gravitate towards numbers - clocks, watches, calculators are your jam. you learned to ride your bike this past year and swimming really clicked for you last june. you were a total pro this past summer. my most favorite thing about you right now is how much you love shelby. oh my goodness, are you obsessed. there are definitely times where i need to peel you off her and i know it bums you out when i do. i don't mean to hurt your feelings when i do it, but personal space isn't really a thing you require so we're doing our best to teach you that those you love the most do. god, i love you. you are sensitive and spirited. that's the best way for me to describe you right now. your feelings are hurt easily, and it seems even the tiniest re-direction can throw you over the edge. you've also gotten so much better at rolling with it, but your tendency to hate surprises is something i can totally relate to. i get it. believe me. we like to know what we're doing, when we're doing it, and why. must be a scorpio thing?

lately we've had more sunny walks, at least i'd like to think so. lately i've had glimpses into your big kid sense of humor. i think we connect most when we see summer do something silly and for a laugh. you are maturing in what you think is funny. that said, i did stumble upon a book you made last week called "poop and pee". there were pictures inside of a smiling poop, similar to the poop emoji but with it's own charm. it also had a picture of a stick person peeing but their privates looked more like a crescent moon than an actual penis. (you'll take any opportunity you can to write the word poop. last year, on a cold day, you wrote "poop" on the slide at school and all the kids gathered around it to laugh with you - until ms. lisa joined the crowd and apparently blood rushed to those sweet little cheeks of yours just in time to apologize.) we've been able to spend so much time together and your love language has to be physical touch (hugs, kisses, tickles, you name it) and quality time (can you read with me? play with me? sit by me? go with me?) but it seems there's never enough time for you. i am not sure you're every really satisfied with what you get from me. that's ok. most of the time. sometimes i feel so guilty about not being able to drop it all and just be with you, "and only you" as you've recently began to say. but kid, i'm not sure you've ever had this much time with me. even when i was on maternity leave with you (and only you), i wasn't as focused on you. i didn't know how to be in the moment with you kiddos like i do now. it takes practice to be in the moment, and i can easily say that's been the one thing i've been working on solidly since you were born. we've had some dates the last few months and i can tell our time together fills your love tank. when you're acting out i know it's because you need time with me. focused, in the moment, time. sometimes we'll play legos together, which usually means i'm watching you play legos. the other night i laid on your bedroom floor with you as we listened to stone soup together and you memorized the words so you could "read" the book to me. you'd keep me to yourself forever if you could. it's hard now, but i know someday when you just want me out of your way, i'll miss this terribly. 

i've been feeling bad about the harder walks the last couple of days - and i need to get a few things off my chest. not for you to understand from me now. but later on. whenever you read these letters to you that i've been writing for 7 years.

there have been some harder moments lately. times i've been extra hard on you. where i hear myself coming down hard. and your little face is broken. i don't want to break you. ever. there have been two situations the last couple of weeks where i have messed up. i've broken you down. the first was a couple of weeks ago when daddy heard you call summer "a little bitch". i lost it. i didn't even hear it. i wasn't even there. but daddy told me and instead of just asking you what you said calmly first, i immediately jumped on you about what you said. come to find out, you genuinely didn't know you said it or what you said, or what it even meant. i was questioning you so immediately, and so aggressively, you didn't know what to say to me. looking back, i did nothing to make it easy on you to tell me the truth. but you sure as hell tried. you continued to say you didn't say that but i didn't believe you. it wasn't until your eyes told me that i was wrong. my approach was wrong. you may have said it but you didn't know you said it. and you didn't even know what i was talking about. you just knew you were in trouble and that i was mad. at you. and it came out of nowhere. you didn't deserve that. i messed up.

the other time was last week when you forgot to turn in your homework that we worked on for most of the night before. you are 6.5 and you forgot to turn in your homework. you would have thought the world was going to end when i found out you forgot. i don't know why my expectations of you are so high sometimes. maybe it's because i have high expectations of myself. maybe it's because you not turning in your homework felt like a reflection of me. like i wasn't doing my job. like your teacher would judge me or think i wasn't doing my part to set you up for success. maybe, in this case, it was because we worked so hard on it together the night before, and i was proud of us that we got it done. together. so when you didn't turn it in, it felt (unfairly) like it was all for nothing. all i know for sure is that i was ridiculous. afterwards, i was mortified at my reaction over this and we sat down and i said i was sorry and i couldn't help but cry. sometimes that's all i can do. apologize, hug you, and sometimes cry.

i hate that you get these raw first moments from me where i am the rookie reactive mom. not the loving patient mama i strive to be. some days are hard but god i hope you remember the best days too. i'm ok with being this way, sometimes, if it means you can see that i'm not perfect and that i can say i am sorry when i screw up. i want you to learn how to show me and others grace, and love, even when the shittiest sides are shown to you. because honey, people aren't perfect. we are constantly learning and growing. we are always doing things for the first time and sometimes we do those things well, and sometimes we don't. and it's ok. i need you to love me despite myself. maybe i need to love me despite myself, and getting this off my chest is more for me than you.

you always say you want to be a teacher when you grow up. you already are. you are my teacher, and i've never learned more from anyone than you. someday, when you read these letters, i hope i make more sense to you. i hope you read them and know me better and love me harder.

love you always, my forever first. my teacher. my heart.

mommy

Shelby Kate's Birth Story

If you were to ask me 5 years ago, when I wrote Summer's birth story, if I thought that I would ever write another birth story again, you would have heard me say "hell no, I am absolutely never doing THAT again!".  Summer's birth was hard on me - physically for obvious reasons, but mentally as well. Doing "THAT" again wasn't in the cards. When we decided to go for a third baby, I knew that I'd never have "THAT" kind of birth again. While it was a natural water birth with the most amazing team ever, I was in a mindset I never wanted to be in again. I did a lot of things differently leading up to Shelby's birth to help me create a new and unique experience. One where I wouldn't find myself comparing her story to Wyatt's or Summer's, but to create one that was uniquely ours.

Before I get into my actual labor, I just want to hit on a couple of important things that helped me prepare for this birth. Leading up to Shelby's birth we met with my incredible birth team at Eastside Birth Center in Bellevue, WA. Monthly visits prepared me emotionally to let go of the elements of birth that are outside of my control, and to grab onto the things that absolutely were. We decided to plan for a home birth, with the intention that changing my environment would make for an immediate differentiator. We talked about things that I had buried deep for years, and fears that crept up were addressed and processed so that I could continue staying in the positive head space I had wanted to be in this time around. Choosing a birth team that you connect with is truly the most important step in working towards having the birth you want. Feeling heard, respected, and loved throughout your journey to your labor day makes for the most incredible birth experience. I really believe that. The second most important decision you'll make when planning for the birth you want is to hire yourself a doula. My doula, Kristin Dibeh, has 20 years of experience, yet treats every pregnancy, mother, labor and baby as it's own individual experience. I love that about her. I took her birth preparedness class before I had Wyatt almost 7 years ago, and used her incredible book, Expecting Kindness this time to get myself ready. It's her entire lesson plan in writing. Genius. Kristin knows me well, and insisted we have a few chats before labor day. Looking back, I am pretty sure she sensed there may be a deeper hesitation in me that she didn't want to creep in on labor day. She was right. I was completely doubting my why. I had lost it. I had forgotten why it was that I wanted a home birth. Why did I decide to take the hard route, and go unmedicated? Why didn't I just go to the hospital and get an epidural and numb myself from these feelings of pain? When she and I talked, about 2 weeks before she was able to pull this out of me. She's that good, I tell ya. What she told me is something I will never forget. I wasn't choosing the 'hard route'. Birth is hard. No matter how you slice it. It's painful. No matter how you slice it. Unmedicated birth might be painful in the moment, and less so after. Medicated births might be less so in the moment, and more so after. Each birth is different, and there is no easy way out. One way isn't harder or easier when it comes to experiencing pain. That was pivotal in helping me to recall my why. I wanted to experience every piece of my births. I wasn't afraid of pain. And I could do it. I would do it. I did do it.

The week leading up to my due date I knew that Chris, the midwife that had attended both Wyatt and Summer's births was going to be on vacation and off call over Memorial Day weekend. We both thought I'd hold out until she was back but that Friday before Memorial Day, I knew things were kicking up. I was having contractions inconsistently and they were super manageable but things were changing. That Friday was the best day. I worked a bit in the morning before grabbing a few groceries at Trader Joe's and having lunch with Ty at Cactus, one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We were able to talk about what was to come, and walk around town and head home before he went to get the kids from school. I napped and snuck over to visit my brother, sister in law, and baby niece knowing it would be the last visit I'd get for awhile just me. It was so special. That night after the kids went to bed, Ty and I got cozy and watched a movie, while I ignored subtle contractions, before heading to bed. I fell asleep wondering if these little inconsistent contractions would change into something more serious. At 6am that next morning, May 26th, I woke up to pee and saw my bloody show. Instantly I knew this was it, as this had been a sign in my first two births, and that Chris would miss it. I called my doula and considered doing what I could to 'hold off' until Monday when Chris was back but decided that wasn't a way to meet our baby. I'd let this baby take the lead and we'd meet him or her soon enough. (To this day, I still can't believe we didn't find out the gender!) The day was pretty laid back once we had the big kids picked up by my father in law around 10:30am. It was obvious I couldn't really get to work until they were gone. From there, Ty and I grabbed lunch at Taco Time (still dying at this choice) and headed to Fred Meyer because I realized I didn't have any white newborn onesies. Urgent need, right? LOL. We went home, and napped from about 1:30-3:30 and around 4 asked my best friend/soul sister/soul mate Annie to head over. We also asked our amazing birth photographer/videographer, Jessica of One Tree Photography to make her way to us.

Annie showed up with dinner and such contagious energy. Annie is so many things to me. She always knows just what I need and having her there made me feel so in the moment and excited to be doing this again. She is an incredible friend and instantly puts me at ease in any situation. She also brings an element of inappropriateness that I desperately love and need at all times. I wish I could remember all of her little comments and jokes that she so perfectly brings to all occasions. Shelby's birth was no different.

Ty filled the tub, and his wine glass, and was just everything I needed him to be that day. He's always everything I need him to be. I know he wasn't always excited about a home birth, but he trusted me and he knew to support me on this one. That day, he rose to the occasion, as usual. 

My sweet Mama and my birth team arrived around 7pm, and that's when things really started to change. I wasn't totally sure if asking them to come was the right call, but once they arrived I was able to let go and allow myself to really start focusing on getting this baby out! Kat, the midwife on call was so sweet and fantastic from the second she walked in. She was a huge differentiator and played a role in making this birth it's own very special birth. We had dinner and laughed a lot. They enjoyed wine with their pasta, while I chowed. It was a Saturday night dinner party. Except I was having a baby, on display in my underwear.

After I happily gobbled up my dinner, I decided I needed a change of scenery so we made our way upstairs. I labored around our bathroom with Annie for a few and saw a warm filled birth tub and wanted to get in. The contractions were getting harder, and it felt like a good time to give it a whirl. I think the next hour or so was probably my favorite part of the night. I was so in the moment with my crew. In between contractions, I laughed with them and smiled, and just enjoyed being present with them. It felt so easy to have a room full of people watching me, for whatever reason. And it was a full room. We had Ty, my mom, Annie, Kat, Kristin, Jessica, and a couple of birth assistants. Oh and Ben, our sweet pup who didn't want to leave my side. 

At around 10pm, Kat asked to check me. I knew I was having way too much fun and the chances that I'd have to get my ass out of the tub and actually do something to get this babe out were very high. I decided that getting checked was a good idea just so I wasn't in the tub without much change for longer than I needed to be. With the help of my doula Kristin, we asked that I get checked but that no actual number be shared. I didn't want that to discourage me, but could definitely handle being told that I should hop out and work a little harder for a bit to bring on some more change. From the pictures and video, I can see that I was feeling a little deflated but I honestly don't remember it. I just remember owning it and getting out and getting it done. Around this time, my dad arrived. I just loved that he was there. (He waited and worried downstairs the majority of the time and made his way up for the actual birth.) I walked the stairs quite a bit, took breaks with Ty at the bottom and top, threw up in there somewhere, and soon found myself on the bed trying a new position that absolutely killed. Laying down during active labor is not awesome. The contractions and breaks between were both long. I took advantage of the breaks and probably only had about 5 in that position before getting up and doing this weird leg up on the bed position. As awkward and as painful as that was, it created change and I was immediately in the bathroom throwing up again. This is when I felt really bad for myself. I remember sobbing while doing the two things I hate most in life - throwing up and contracting. Not the best combination, but probably took me into a form of transition. I really don't know when I went into transition honestly, but looking back on this moment and it's intensity I believe this could have been it. That said, it was still over an hour and a half until I met my baby. I got into the shower, and let my body take advantage of being upright. I swayed, and moaned, and let the hot water beat against my back and belly. I found a rhythm where I'd face the water during a break, and turn my back to the water during a contraction. I moved through these for awhile and waited for the birth tub to get refilled.  

At around 12:30am, I made my way back in the tub. This was when my experience stands out as unique and different from Wyatt and Summer's, physically. With Wyatt, the change from contractions to pushing was distinct. It was obvious. It was a relief. It was exciting. With Summer, the change was fast and my body was moving so quickly that my head couldn't keep up. This time, with each contraction that last hour, it would evolve into a push. It was like half a contraction, and half a push.  For a really long time. It confused me. It felt long, and drawn out. I got breaks between that were long enough for me to analyze and at one point Kat kicked everyone out just so Ty and I could be in the dark together without an audience. When everyone left, we looked into each other's eyes as I squatted and I just processed out loud. He listened, always so patiently. I decided to lay on my back and just accept the pain as it was and give in. In a matter of minutes my sounds changed, and everyone was back in the room and the lights were on. With a contraction or two, I felt enormous pressure.  It was indescribable beyond that. Huge, intense, pressure. A pop later, I knew my water had broken. It felt like forever at that point, but it was only 6 minutes later that her head was out. Her head was out, and I knew in that moment the worst of it was over. I leaned over, and just waited. I waited for the next contraction where I knew my baby would be out. I just laid there in my doula's arms as she stroked my hair. I took my breaths. I heard nothing but my breath. About a minute later, on May 27th at 1:38am according to my mama and 1:40 according to my birth team, my baby was out and in my arms and all I could do was beg for help to get her into my arms so I could see her face. She was caked in vernix around her back and bootie. We waited another 6 minutes before learning her gender and it was the most glorious 6 minutes. Just looking at her, smelling her, touching her, and enjoying her - all before knowing she was a her. In that moment, her gender didn't matter. I was so in love. I was so proud of us. All of us. We did it. Each and every one of us in that room, and her. We did it. She was there, safe and beautiful and breathing and crying. Perfectly born in our home, just as I had imagined for the last 9 months.

I felt she was a girl the whole time I was pregnant, but of course, you have to prepare for both because you don't know know until they are in your arms. It was a magical moment and I'm so thankful that it's on video because watching it back and seeing my reaction is so special. She looked exactly like Summer to me the moment I saw her. Even then, I didn't know she was girl until we looked. I just knew, that whatever she was, she looked just like her big sister. I love looking back on that moment knowing it really didn't matter at all. We told the room her name, Shelby, and that we were still not totally sure on her middle name. (We decided on her middle name a few hours after everyone left.)

Ty did skin to skin next, and I waited to birth my placenta which ended up being almost as dramatic as Shelby's birth. (It took forever to come out, which lead to clots and bleeding that could have lead to a hospital visit if my body wouldn't have gotten it's act together. Luckily it did, and all was fine after a pitocin drip and some aggressive massaging.)

Everyone except for me knew she was huge at just the sight of her, the second she came out. Apparently her back fat gave that away! I didn't really piece together why it was so long and hard to push her out, but she was huge at almost 10 pounds. (Wyatt was 7 pounds 12 oz, and Summer was 8 and half pounds for reference.) When we learned her weight, 9 pounds 12 oz, I don't think anyone thought she'd be that big. The guesses were around 9 pounds, max. She was 21.5 inches long.

Having Shelby at home was the best decision for me. Her birth was so incredibly healing after feeling like such a negative version of myself during Summer's birth. I felt positive and in the moment the entire time. I felt her birth physically (obviously - hot damn, she was massive) and emotionally. I was in the right headspace, and each person there was strong for me the entire time. They were there, breathing with me. (One of my most favorite parts of the video is when Annie is literally breathing with me.) They never left me, they never doubted me, and they worked dang hard to make sure I didn't doubt me either. They reminded me what I was capable of, and they encouraged me to trust my body. Without them, the most amazing team, this birth wouldn't have been exactly what I needed it to be. I will always look back on Shelby's birth as uniquely ours, with so many familiar and special elements to her sister and brother's births, but her very own individual and magical story. 

Welcome to the world, Shelby Kate. Our surprise baby. You've changed the game, sister. We love you more than we'll ever be able to tell you because it was actually YOU that completed our family. It was always YOU that we've been waiting for. Thank you for choosing us to be yours forever. 

You can watch Shelby's birth video here and hopefully together this post and the video bring her beautiful birth to life for you.