we're creeping up on 37 weeks along, and for some reason i'm feeling more at peace today than i have this entire pregnancy. so interesting. it's a gorgeous day, my sweet baby boy is napping, and i'm outside alone with my laptop. i have already squeezed a nap in of my own today, along with an ice cream bar. seriously, the ice cream bars. i know that this ridiculous "need" for ice cream on a daily basis is going to have to cease. i can't continue on like this for long. the ice cream bars, the cinnamon toast crunch, the menchies, the ben & jerry's, the cookies have been such dear friends the last few weeks especially. oh how i'll miss thee.

oh and the black beans. i eat so many fricking beans. you. can. imagine. right? (poor ty.)

it really is such a gorgeous day. i can feel myself getting more and more ready for change. a change of pace is just around the corner - and while it will be crazy and wild and stressful at times (most of the time?), it will be time spent at home, time spent with my littles. my littles. plural. what?! i am going to have kids. not just one, but two. kids. plural.

sometimes i find myself really taking it all in. we've been this party of three for 20 months now - 20 months today, actually. 20 months ago, i was just getting into active labor. annie and my mom had just gotten here, ty was packing the cooler, and the room was spinning around me. i couldn't sit still through contractions. i can remember having annie or my mom go upstairs to get my face wash. i had makeup on, and i could just feel it smearing down my face with every wave. or rush. whatever it is i am supposed to think of contractions like... i could barely wash my face, the contractions seemed so close together. i was inside my head, but for one brief second every now and again, i'd open my eyes to screen the room to see what was going on around me. life was going on around me, and it was all happening. i can remember my water breaking and going through the day not really "getting it". i was about to have a baby. life was about to change. i just didn't really realize how much.

this time, i feel like i realize how much life is going to change. i think what i might be doing though is underestimating how much it won't. i'm hoping that the moment i see our girl, i feel that feeling of total completeness. like, "ok - here she is. here's our girl. she completes our family." and we go home, we see wyatt and hug him and kiss him and love him. he meets summer, and he smiles. he smiles big. he is proud. i hope i see that little smirk that's been melting me these days. the smirk that tells us he's feeling pretty big time. i want it to just be us. the four of us. i don't want him to feel overwhelmed, or shy.

we saw a family on the 4th of july. the dad was sitting with his little girl, and the mom was wearing a brand new little girl. she looked so incredibly tiny. wyatt kept pointing and saying "be bee" "be bee" "be bee" and we'd acknowledge that there was in fact a baby over there. what's funny is he didn't even see the newborn wrapped so tightly against her mama. he was completely and utterly amused by the little girl. as we left, we said hello to the family. what do ya know, the little girl was exactly 20 months old, and that teeny tiny newborn was 2 weeks old. of course, i had to immediately ask, "so how is that going for you?" her response, "actually really good. so much better than i thought. it can be done. trust me." oh lady, you don't even know how badly i needed to hear you say that. she went on to say that she might have played it up in her head a bit too much. worried more than she needed to. that it all works itself out.

i'm choosing to trust this lady i don't know. because i need to.

which brings me to today. my peaceful perfect saturday. one of the last before we meet our little chicky poo. i've been spending every night in the tub, reading my Ina May books. those dang birth stories get me every time. this time, i feel like i really know what these ladies are talking about when they describe their experiences. the rushes, the panic, the empowerment, the trust, the love.

the joy. i can't wait to feel that pure joy, knowing that i am done with the hardest thing i've ever done and that the little person i've loved but never met is here and in my arms. the natural high that compares to nothing.

that moment that is everything.

those moments. plural. meeting my littles are those moments.

today i remember, life is about those moments that are everything. the moments that compare to nothing.

ty sent this to me not that long ago. this was on his phone, the first picture he took after wyatt was born.
i may have two chins (just goes along with the plural theme), but i love everything about it.
the candles in the back ground, the flash light i know my mom is holding, his little face and that cry.
that strong, healthy, cry i had been longing to hear.
but dude, those chins... 

speed up, slow down, speed up...

never have i felt so torn. i want time to speed up, just as badly as i want it to slow down. this age, 19 months, is pretty much perfect. i know i say that every month, but i am in love with my bug and every little thing he is doing these days. he's learning every second of every day. such a little sponge. he tries to say so many words. he's naming things (i.e. his binky is "gingkee" - and as scared as i am that he is now naming this thing, it's seriously the cutest thing when he says it. bad, bad, bad.), he watches us like hawks, he has a sense of humor... the list goes on and on. i am in love with him. obsessed. psychotic really.

it's hard sometimes knowing that things are going to change so much in no time. i mean, we're 6 weeks away from my due date. 6 weeks. and i am so ready to not be pregnant anymore and meet our baby girl. beyond ready. i look at wyatt's little face and it's hard knowing he's going to share our center. at the same time, i can't worry about any negative impact that might have because let's get real - people have second babies all the freaking time. having siblings is a true blessing and i know wyatt is going to be such an amazing big brother. i base this on how he's been with his buddies, and the dogs lately. so interested, and curious, and happy to see them. i think (i hope) he's too little to really notice the shift that will happen around him has anything to do with SJ. i know he will love her. i can already hear myself saying "gentle hands" to him a million times a day as he tries to cozy her. that is when my heart will explode, knowing how badly he wants to show her love.

what's odd to me is this whole concept of your heart just "expanding" when you have a second baby. i feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest already. how in the world can it possibly get any bigger than it already is? i can't wait for that feeling. when i finally say, "ah, i get it" just like i did when i had wyatt. i get the crazy moms out there that would do anything for their kiddos. the mama bears. i am one.

this pregnancy has gone relatively fast, largely because of my busy toddler that constantly has me enamored (and running around exhausted might i add). it's been hard too. (a little scare this weekend put things into perspective -- thought she wasn't moving like normal friday night and into saturday morning. tried eating and drinking milk, then OJ, tried music, and laying down and continued to wait for my sweet girl to bounce around, but notta... we called our midwife and she thought it would be best for us to go to the hospital and do a quick non-stress test. i'd like to say i was calm and not worried, but i would be lying. i was scared. but the moment we heard that perfect heartbeat, i knew everything was fine. most importantly, i knew i needed to relax. and to put things in perspective. my health, her little well being are more important than many of the things i've worried about lately. done.)

i can't wait for her to be here. in my arms, pink bodied, cold nosed. i can't wait to tell her "happy birthday" and for her to hear me say how much i love her. i can't wait to look around the room and lock eyes with the people that got me through it all. i can't wait to not be in labor anymore. oh man. not sure why, but the idea of doing that again is freaking me out a bit. i know i can do it. and i know how incredibly worth it all is when i am done. how crazy empowered and in love i feel - with my new babe, with my husband, and simply - life in general. life doesn't get better than that moment. true, raw, genuine happiness. the realest there is. the best. that's my motivation. i'm also really hoping things go fast and that i have another "beetlejuice" experience (i.e. no ring of fire, and when her head pops out, i feel like it was a mini head... like i did with wyatt). pray for me.

i've been thinking a lot about delivery day. and i can't not think of that day and picture my best friend there. annie has been apart of every big moment of my life. she just so happens to be due with her little man 6 days before i am due with sj. 6 days. you read that right. so the odds are interesting here. it just feels like one of us will miss one of the births. but, let us pray. again.

so many things on this mind of mine. i feel like i could write forever. slow down time, let me enjoy these moments. but Good Lord, speed up so i can no longer feel like an energy-less, moody, sensitive, large and in charge, beached whale.

the end.