When they handed me each of my babies, I can tell you that without a doubt something shifted inside of me. Of course I was filled with relief that I was done with each labor, and of course feeling like a damn Superwoman for what I had just achieved. Layering on top of that feeling of achievement, was purpose. It was in those moments that I was responsible for how these little people began to morph and become who they were. At the same time, I was just as responsible for how I continued to morph and become who I was - as a mama, wife, friend, and whatever it was I wanted to become at 30, 31 and 36. The most noticeable feeling of evolution inside me happened with Shelby 14 months ago. I had been visualizing this life with three kids leading up to her birth. I imagined Shelby as this opportunity to experience our growing family a little more deliberately. A do-over in some ways, but more than that a reason to apply what I'd learned about myself up until that point. Wyatt and Summer's earliest months (if I'm honest, years) were hard. I wasn't recognizable to myself most of the time, yet looking back it was all part of the process. It was a blur. Having two kids under two is crazy. Toss in two working (and very driven) parents, two dogs, a terrible commute, super high expectations of oneself and you've got yourself an absolute shit show. It took about 4 years to get my head above water and on a little straighter. Fast forward another two years and an extra kid, and I think I've got a few more things figured out. 

I love being a mom. And I think it's the hardest job I've had in my life. I've had some really hard jobs in the past. Countless professional experiences that have challenged me, scared me, pushed and pulled me. I've had more monkeys thrown on my back than I can count, and I've lost more sleep over difficult conversations than I'd like to admit. I've spoken in front of thousands of people before, and I've made more mistakes than I expected to in my career thus far. To this day, being home with two and now three kids by myself day after day has been the most challenged, scared, pushed, and pulled that I've ever been in my life. Yet, there is no where else I'd rather be. 

And still I know, there's more to and for me. 

I've always thought about being able to eventually, perhaps a few years down the road, begin to pursue some dreams that allow me to be home but also tick off some really important buckets for me professionally. My career has always included my passion for leadership coaching and development, and a few years ago I got certified as a professional coach. Through that program and the years since, it was super clear to me that work for me could be play. I could make it happen and it wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. Supporting and coaching executives to search inside themselves to show up as the leader they were always meant to be never felt like work to me. And that's the kind of job I've always wanted.

In November of last year, I decided to jump at the opportunity sitting right in front of me - my Beautycounter business. I didn't know it at the time, but that big jump was the very first step in getting me to right where I am today. Today, I am home with my kids and getting ready to launch my professional coaching business. Beautycounter tested me in ways I didn't know I needed to be tested. I found some dormant confidence (it was always there, I just lost it for awhile) and experienced work as play, and on my terms. This was an unexpected stop along the way to where I am now, but without it I think I might still be dreaming of what work on my terms, could look like for me. 

Work on my terms doesn't feel like work at all. 

I'm a mama on a mission to evolve with and for my kids. Every single day I try something new that scares or stretches me - in my work as a mom, my work to get safer products into the hands of everyone, or the work I'm doing to prepare for my gig as an executive coach. I hope I can be an example to them that we're always learning, and we get to change our paths and have as many turns as we choose. 

After all, if we're not happy in our work, what are we actually working for? 

Dear Shelby, You're 1.

Sweet girl, how in the world are we here, 365 days since we first locked eyes? I haven't seemed to really put my head around any of this. Yet, here we are. Time is funny like that. You'll experience this when you have your own tiny one someday. You have zero control over how quickly things move, and time will never fly so fast than it will when you start your family. Someone once told me it's like sand in your hands, this time of our life. They were right. It slips so fast I can't catch it and the best way I know how is to be as present as possible. You'll notice I haven't written to you has much, or at all, the last 12 months like I did with your sister and brother. I made a choice around 3 months with you to write less, and live more. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for that. I was so intimidated as a new mom with both Wyatt and Summer that I found comfort writing about my feelings to them in my downtime, rather than being more present in real time. With you, I wanted to feel it, live it, see it, more. You are quite possibly, almost definitely, our last baby. There is something about knowing that, combined with doing this a third time, that helped me experience you differently. From pregnancy, birth, to now at the first year mark. I will remember things differently with you, and funny enough that has kind of been the goal since the second we found out we were pregnant with you. I wanted everything to be different. I wanted to be different. And while you're the 'reason', Wyatt and Summer have benefited from you in this department as well. They've experienced me differently because of you. You're like this heat that warms us. You're the center, the fire, of our family right now. You don't even know how much you've taught all of us already.

Your personality is so damn funny. We see you as this opinionated, silly, vocal, little person. There's never a moment we don't know how you are feeling. One second you are calm and kicked back, and seconds later you can change on a dime and show us you are busy and present and loud. You love attention, but you love your space. (Very hard to come by, by the way!) You want to be around us and touched and cuddled, but you also want to be moving, and doing everything yourself.

At one, you are kind of sort of saying Mama, you blow bubbles, and you are taking about 8 steps at a time. You dance and sing (currently T-Swift is your fave), and stand and shake your booty. You love your chairs, food (anything, really but especially raspberries), you poop on schedule every day at 5am (not my favorite thing about you, I admit), and you nap and go to bed like a pro. Your thumbs are your BFF, and you love water and climbing the stairs.

You are smart and super aware of what's going on around you. You see and then you do. It's pretty impressive how you pick up on things happening around you. You are confident and spirited, and you love your people. And we sure love you.

Here's to all you are, and all you'll be little one. Thank you for choosing us. You're everything and more when we dreamed about you. You are our dream come true.

Happiest first birthday to you, and here's to many more to come.

Love,
Mama