oh sweet baby, we're close. really close.

and this mother's day, i've gotten to spend a lot of time with just you while you hiccup and find what little room is left inside me to get cozy. it's such a beautiful day and i've found myself just slowing down today and thinking about what it's going to be like when you are here. i've done this two other times, you know. but each time, it's a little different. the prep, the waiting, the reflecting, the anxiety, the excitement, the unknown. there is so much we don't know. who you are, what you'll be like, look like, cry like, smile like, laugh like. the biggest question that is yet to be answered is are you a boy or a girl?! i still can't believe we never found out. i think the moment i think about the most is those first few seconds after you come out, and you're slippery little body is snuggled into my chest, and your legs are so tightly curled up and i have to find the energy to peel you away to see what's down there. i absolutely can't wait to learn your gender. not only do i get a beautiful baby as this incredible gift after working harder than ever to bring you here, we get the best surprise of our life when we meet you for the first time. talk about motivation to get through labor as quickly as possible.

i am nervous for only one thing about your arrival - and it's just that. getting you here. i don't know why i am so nervous for labor. i've done this twice and i know what to expect. but that's just it, i know what to expect, and i know it's damn hard. but i can do hard. i know that. we will do hard, little one. i am working to remind myself that i am strong, i am in control, and i that i trust you and my body. there are certain things that really helped me with your brother and sister - and those things had a lot to do with working with each wave or contraction and taking advantage of them to get you guys here as efficiently as possible. and my absolute favorite - to truly let my monkey do it. which means, to let go and lean into what i'm experiencing vs. fight it. accepting that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and taking on each wave, one at a time, is letting my monkey do it. i know it's all about mindset and if i stay in control of my headspace, staying focused on my thoughts and my breath we will do this and it will be beautiful.

you are already magical to me. i breath in and you respond to me every time. your little feet kick out to my right side, and i can rub them and tap them and you are always there to connect with me. we have a special relationship already. you are my last. i have soaked in this pregnancy because of that very reason - i don't want to forget anything about it. i know i haven't written to you as often as i did with Wyatt and Summer, but sweet thing - you are my memories. this pregnancy with you is what i will remember the easiest. the morning sickness, the predictable movement, the position you were in for so long with your head down, back and butt to the left and feet completely kicked to the right of me making me look so crookedly shaped. the heartburn. the hiccups. the bad sleep. the constant middle of the night snacks. the peeing. the baths. your daddy and the kids loving on you inside there, so curious about what you are going to be like once you are here. you are already so loved. it's a gift knowing you are our last because i have really felt so lucky and blessed to cherish every single moment, even the not so fun moments this time around. perhaps, just maybe, writing this to you is helping me prepare for your labor. it's the last time - and there's never been a time i've felt more connected to my body, more proud of myself, and more secure in the life your daddy and i have created together than experiencing labor and bringing a new perfect person into this world. that's why i do labor the way i do. i want to feel it. i am not afraid of it. let's do this.

we are so ready to meet you. we're two weeks away from our due date munchkin. i'm enjoying our last bit of time together 'like this' but you can bet you are going to love it out here. you've got lots of hands, some smaller than others, ready to love on you.

keep cookin' love. i trust you.

your mama.

third time's a charm

It was right after I posted my last post, about date night, that I took a pregnancy test with Ty. I wrote that post to kill time, as I waited to hear him walk through the front door, with the tests in hand. We debated on taking it after date night, for obvious reasons. Wouldn't it be better to have one more night out that included wine? But I couldn't wait. There's something about a pregnancy test. You see one, and you just have to pee on it immediately. Whether I was or wasn't, it would be good for us to use the time to process whatever the results were. We'd been working on a third baby for the last several months. I'd seen a few negative tests over the past 6 months, but it wasn't until the summer that we decided to get serious.  I knew that if I saw a negative test this time, I'd be bummed. I just felt it in my gut that I was. I wasn't technically late yet, so the only thing I relied on was that did everything we could to get pregnant that cycle. Ty and I looked at each other and got pregnant with Wyatt and Summer. It took no effort whatsoever. This time around was different.

Ty barely got his coat off before I was frantically unwrapping the test and getting myself situated in the bathroom downstairs. I peed. We waited. It looked like it was going to be negative, so I walked out and handed it to him alluding to that. "So weird. It looks negative. I'm surprised." He took it back into the bathroom and set it on the counter and by the time he did that, the plus sign was appearing. It was most definitely a positive. And it was no different this time around. We were shocked. It worked. We made a baby. The next few hours were surreal and we just looked at each other and laughed most of our dinner, dying over the fact that were doing this again. How much fun it was going to be to watch the kids do this with us. Having them be apart of this next chapter was, and still is, the icing on the cake.

At exactly 6 weeks pregnant, I immediately felt like shit. I was so sick until about 17 or 18 weeks, and truly didn't feel the second trimester relief until around 22 weeks. I had all day sickness and while I was so relieved to have such obvious symptoms, it also plain sucked. I learned it's ok to feel shitty and gratitude simultaneously. I wasn't this sick with Wyatt or Summer, and heard from many that the hormones just take over a little more with each pregnancy and the sickness can be worse with each one. That was definitely my case.

We heard the heartbeat on Wyatt's birthday, and that night we told the kids, with our family there as witness, the big news. This news was standing in the way of Wyatt and his birthday gifts, so needless to say it was onto the next thing pretty quickly after it was shared. We had our first ultrasound on November 15th, and saw a real baby in there, making the sickness feel even more worth it all.  I felt little flutters on Christmas, and felt legit baby movement on New Year's Eve. On January 10th at 10am we had our 20 week ultrasound, and looked away when Dawn (only the best tech ever!) scanned for the gender. Ty felt a real kick for the first time when we celebrated his birthday with a little staycation on January 26th.

I've really tried to stay in a positive headspace this pregnancy. There is something about knowing it's the last time, for real, that I'll be pregnant. I'm trying to be easier on myself about body image stuff. I eat what I want and I don't think much of it. Now at 29 weeks (tomorrow), I can truly say I love the way I'm looking and feeling. The babe moves constantly which is so reassuring. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this birth, which we plan to do at home this time given we had really straightforward experiences at the birth center with both Wyatt and Summer. I'd rather just stick home and do my thing, vs. get in the car to hop into a tub just like the one we have at home. I've been practicing some hypnobirthing techniques which I think will help me stay and feel more in control this time. I felt anything but in control when I had Summer, and I really want to focus on having a labor more like Wyatt's this time. Focused, calm, in control, and confident are all things I long to feel this time.

We really have no idea what to expect when this baby arrives but we already know there's room in our hearts for one more little person to love and learn from. Here's to the next three months of finding balance in knowing change is coming, while enjoying things exactly as they are for just a bit longer.