circles

I don't like death. I am not OK with it. There's nothing good about it. Nothing comforting. It's. just. sad. It's sad. I don't like thinking about losing people close to me and I will admit that there are times I freak myself out. What if Ty didn't make it home tonight? What if something happened to my brother in NYC? What if pedicures with my mom on Saturday was the last time we did that together? What if, what if, what if. It's horrible. It's depressing to think about that. Does anyone else do this, or did I just wave my freak flag loud and proud?

Anyway.

This past week on one of my all time favorite shows - The Bachelor - our dear Shawntel decided to take us behind the scenes at her place of work - the mortuary. No freaking thank you. Ever since this episode, I have these images of things I never asked to witness. Yes, I could have zipped through it on my DVR, but every time I thought to do it, I thought it was almost over. It was so incredibly disturbing to watch her put poor Brad up there on the table and talk through what she would do to him if he were one of her "customers" - what tools she'd use, what would happen to him when she used the tools on him. The absolute worst part of the entire segment was when she opened up the burner that people get cremated in. What?! I know. Sick. Scary. Again, no freaking thank you.

I know there are some people out there, like Shawntel, that are not at all bothered by these concepts. They have the magical power of removing the emotion from situations like this. They are able to separate the body from that of the soul. The body carries the soul and because the soul is gone, it's just a shell. While this all sounds good and fine, I am not there.

I realize this blog post doesn't necessarily address my typical topics (i.e. the love I have for my sweet husband, changes in life, purpose, lessons, etc.) it's a realization I've had about myself this week. I don't like death. Who does? What I mean is, I don't like thinking about it (even though I torture myself sometimes per my earlier freak flag waving) - as real, as necessary, and as natural as it is. I get it. It's the circle of life.

I just don't like circles.

That's all.