little peanut,

hi sweet boy. it's been awhile. i'm sorry about that! i have to tell you little man, your mama is feeling emotional these days. i can't believe we'll be 33 weeks along in just a few days. it is getting more real by the day that you will be in our lives, physically, in just just a few weeks. we are less than two months away from the due date, and i have little moments where i picture myself with you in the house. i picture your daddy rocking you in your chair, changing your diaper, giving you kisses, laughing at your noises. we have gotten so much done around the house. the good news is, we are ready for you. the bad news is, this is probably when time slows down for me and i begin to (ya, right - i'm there) get antsy for your arrival. we have your swing and pack n' play built downstairs in the family room. we have the car seat and stroller in the living room. our dining room table is covered with bottles, a baby food maker, a dishwasher cage, a baby food cook book, etc. your co-sleeper is built and ready for you in our bedroom. and your room... well, we're about there. clothes are in the dresser, pictures are hung, outfits are hung, blankets are washed and folded. i picked out the outfits we'll take with us to the birth center last night. we've got 2 options, sir. one if you are nice to mama and are in the 7-8lb range and another if you are a big boy. i love both, but obviously not-so-secretly am hoping to put you in option 1 which is the smallest, cutest little kicky pants snap up striped number with a super cute green hat that your auntie and uncle stookey picked out for you. option 2 is just as cute. it's a zip up number with little jeeps on it, just for daddy, that you'd wear with this cute grey knit hat. we'll just have to see now won't we?

i am getting nervous for labor. i know i can do it, women do it everyday. but i don't know what i don't know. we decided to go with a birth center because i am hoping for a water birth. i've read some amazing books and i've had some really encouraging conversations. we start our 9 weeks of birth classes tomorrow. i am hoping knowledge is power here little guy. i am going to do my best to trust my body, trust what it's made to do, and bring you into this world as safely as possible. at the end of the day, i want you to be safe. if that means no water birth, that's ok too - but that's what we are preparing for. (when i start to doubt myself, i think about all of the women in africa that work all day through labor, walk to a special spot in the corn field, squat, have their baby, wrap him or her up and then continue on about their work day. totally.) i've been trying to picture what it will be like when i go into labor. will it be during the day? the middle of the night? will i be at home? will your daddy be home? is it going to go slower than i expect? faster? so many questions, the list could go on and on. it's a waste of time asking them, i know. but they are there - in my head, swirling around among the many questions and images i have as i get closer and closer to this new life. your life.

i promise to write a few more of these before you are here. i know that as we get closer, i am going to be feeling new things. it is the most amazing thing having you growing inside me but having no idea who you are by the way. at the same time, it also weirds me out to know that i have something inside me with a face and toenails. i am just being honest. there are moments where this whole thing seems unreal to me. you are my baby, growing inside me, and we are going to meet soon. and my life is going to change forever.

for the better.

i can't wait.

love you, peanut. to the moon and back.