flashbacks

i've been having random flashbacks of the last year lately.

like the fact that i was pregnant this time last year and didn't know it yet. how this time last year, i was living my life, going about my day, having no idea that in just a week and a half i'd take that positive test while ty sat, unknowingly on a flight back from LA. i'd run to the store and buy a two-pack of clear blue easy preggo tests. i remember stopping at the safeway's gas station before running into the store. i remember thinking, "ok i am going to go get the test, take it right when i get home, see 'not pregnant' and have plenty of time to get over it before ty gets home." i remember thinking, "i know i'm not pregnant. and that's ok. it will happen. we aren't even trying yet." i came home, brought out a test, went potty in the downstairs bathroom and came over to our island where i was responding to emails on my work laptop. i set the test down behind my screen and continued typing my email. i even remember who i was writing to. it was a thank you email to the chair at seattle girls school. i think the back of the box said the test could take up to a minute before reading the result back. i think i was typing for at least 4 or 5 before i remembered the test was right behind the screen. i grabbed it, ready to see the words "not pregnant". but that's not what it said.

pregnant

i looked at it again and again.

pregnant

i shot up out of my chair and started jumping around and shouting "i'm pregnant! i'm pregnant! i'm pregnant!? what? pregnant???" as it turned to a question, i just started sobbing. i remember seeing my face in the mirror above our fire place in the family room. absolutely shocked. so incredibly happy. i really had never felt that amount of absolute joy. i felt that way again the moment i saw wyatt's face for the first time after i gave birth to him. joy. simple as that. the dogs thought i was crazy. and i was. already crazy in love with something i hadn't seen or felt yet.

for the last few nights, as i've drifted off to sleep, i'll have phantom feelings of wyatt moving in my tummy. i'll be laying there and i'll "feel" a little swoosh, or kick and think "it's my baby" and in the same thought it will turn to "no it's not". it's the strangest thing. i miss being pregnant with wyatt sometimes - partly because he was always with me. his movements were mine and mine alone. i didn't have to share him, i didn't have to leave him.

i didn't have to leave him.

i'm sad tonight about going back to work. i know it will be fine once i'm there. i'm excited to be back. i miss using my adult brain. i miss adult conversation. and i am pretty sure i'll be a better and more patient mama when i go back. i know myself well and i need an outlet every day that's mine. but i'm sad about leaving him. the last time i drove that commute to work, i was 39 weeks pregnant and my little bug was causing me to bust at the seams. that last day in the office was surreal. i hated my outfit. everything i put on that week was so.freaking.tight. i walked around that thursday in a  haze, trying to check everything off my list before i left.  the thought that i wouldn't be back for 4 months didn't really hit me until i was driving home. and even then, i was sure i'd be overdue and in the office that next week just to get out of the house. little did i know, in just 36 hours my water would be breaking and 36 hours after that, i'd be meeting my little love.

that's all for now. i needed to get this out and it feels good to be honest and vent and be ok with being sad. better to process these feelings now and not the night before i go back to work.

thanks for listening.