still in love with this kid. more and more every day. i look back on older posts, and read how obsessed i was with this face. um, that was nothing. i think my heart has gazillioned in size since week one. it's basically quadrupled in size, times 16. 16 weeks old already. which means i will be making my way back to work in just a few short days. march 7th marks my return to work date. i will say this: i am so so so glad i took 4 months off. 3 months would have not been enough, and i really do believe that anything over 4 would make going back to work so much harder. i have been processing going back to work since about my half way point. and i am glad. i am at the point now where i know this is my last full week at home, and i am going to live it up. which means more mushy Facebook posts, more big eyed headshot instagrams, and probably a couple lovey dovey blog posts.

ty frequently is my voice of reason. back in my pre-wyatt life, there would be times where i'd get stressed out about work. i'd come home, tightly wound and he'd pour me a glass of wine and say, "babe. just remember. they can't eat you." i think i've even blogged about this before... now, in my new life, when i get sad about going back to work, he'll hand me a kleenex and say,

"babe. we aren't shipping him off to china." 

it's just what i need to hear. and i've said this to myself several times a day this past week. i am lucky to have a job i love and work for a company i believe in. and i'm excited to see my team, people i consider friends (i.e. people that will understand when i might tear up at the mention of my kiddo that first day, week, or even month back to work. love them).

weekly report:

• several cozy naps together in bed
• a lot of drool and shoulder sucking
• a decent number of blow outs - one really, drippy, mama and baby soaked blow out that involved a shower, a bath, and an uncle trevie. 
• some car seat practice which i fear has really gotten us no where
• a lot of chatter boxing - my new favorite thing ever, besides his eye lashes. 

that's all for now. duty calls.

flashbacks

i've been having random flashbacks of the last year lately.

like the fact that i was pregnant this time last year and didn't know it yet. how this time last year, i was living my life, going about my day, having no idea that in just a week and a half i'd take that positive test while ty sat, unknowingly on a flight back from LA. i'd run to the store and buy a two-pack of clear blue easy preggo tests. i remember stopping at the safeway's gas station before running into the store. i remember thinking, "ok i am going to go get the test, take it right when i get home, see 'not pregnant' and have plenty of time to get over it before ty gets home." i remember thinking, "i know i'm not pregnant. and that's ok. it will happen. we aren't even trying yet." i came home, brought out a test, went potty in the downstairs bathroom and came over to our island where i was responding to emails on my work laptop. i set the test down behind my screen and continued typing my email. i even remember who i was writing to. it was a thank you email to the chair at seattle girls school. i think the back of the box said the test could take up to a minute before reading the result back. i think i was typing for at least 4 or 5 before i remembered the test was right behind the screen. i grabbed it, ready to see the words "not pregnant". but that's not what it said.

pregnant

i looked at it again and again.

pregnant

i shot up out of my chair and started jumping around and shouting "i'm pregnant! i'm pregnant! i'm pregnant!? what? pregnant???" as it turned to a question, i just started sobbing. i remember seeing my face in the mirror above our fire place in the family room. absolutely shocked. so incredibly happy. i really had never felt that amount of absolute joy. i felt that way again the moment i saw wyatt's face for the first time after i gave birth to him. joy. simple as that. the dogs thought i was crazy. and i was. already crazy in love with something i hadn't seen or felt yet.

for the last few nights, as i've drifted off to sleep, i'll have phantom feelings of wyatt moving in my tummy. i'll be laying there and i'll "feel" a little swoosh, or kick and think "it's my baby" and in the same thought it will turn to "no it's not". it's the strangest thing. i miss being pregnant with wyatt sometimes - partly because he was always with me. his movements were mine and mine alone. i didn't have to share him, i didn't have to leave him.

i didn't have to leave him.

i'm sad tonight about going back to work. i know it will be fine once i'm there. i'm excited to be back. i miss using my adult brain. i miss adult conversation. and i am pretty sure i'll be a better and more patient mama when i go back. i know myself well and i need an outlet every day that's mine. but i'm sad about leaving him. the last time i drove that commute to work, i was 39 weeks pregnant and my little bug was causing me to bust at the seams. that last day in the office was surreal. i hated my outfit. everything i put on that week was so.freaking.tight. i walked around that thursday in a  haze, trying to check everything off my list before i left.  the thought that i wouldn't be back for 4 months didn't really hit me until i was driving home. and even then, i was sure i'd be overdue and in the office that next week just to get out of the house. little did i know, in just 36 hours my water would be breaking and 36 hours after that, i'd be meeting my little love.

that's all for now. i needed to get this out and it feels good to be honest and vent and be ok with being sad. better to process these feelings now and not the night before i go back to work.

thanks for listening.

who needs sleep?

tonight, i am tired. this mama needs to go to bed. but these sunday posts are important to me and i can't settle my brain until i write about the week. today marks the 15 week birthday for sir wyatt. and what a week it was. last sunday i posted about wyatt's teething issues and my lack of intelligence in having it be his first night in his crib. following up on that - we did it. but it was rough. i was in there almost every hour on the hour putting a binky in or applying gum numbing stuff. why the hell didn't i just move him into our room you ask? pride. stupid pride. i made a point scene sunday night... made a fool out of myself really, but in the end our boy "slept" in his crib. he was back in our room monday night, and even in our bed around the 3am mark many times this week.

let's talk about that. in our bed. i know there are a ton of opinions out there about where a baby should sleep. i've had them. let me just say this - there are nights where you simply "give in". you give in because you are tired. you "give in" because your baby is telling you without telling you that he needs to be close to you. i gave in this week, and i loved every second of it. and i'll give in again. dr. sears made me feel good about giving in. i love you, dr. sears.

he napped in his crib all week and did awesome. i loved being able to see him on our video monitor. i also hated being able to see him on our video monitor. seeing him meant obsessing over every sound. it did get better as the week went on. a lot of things got better as the week went on. he seems to be coping better with his teeth, and every day continues to prove how fast our little guy is growing up.

he is smiling and laughing a ton. it's the most entertaining thing for us. he spent a lot of time with family and friends this week. he started off the week meeting auntie lindsay and sweet baby annie on monday. auntie kaarin visited on thursday (and even asked me to be in her wedding! i can't be more excited about this!!) he spent some time at my office on friday (even making a scene for my third floor friends). he visited with auntie tiff, gramma and uncle cam yesterday. and today he got a ton of attention from papa and grandma linda. tonight he saw grandpa and grandma jensen and cuddled with auntie tiff while i had bff date night with annie. i love that he has so many people to love on him. such a lucky babe.

ok, off to bed. happy 15 weeks little bug. my little prince. my monkey. cinnamon buns. we love you.

like, a lot.

ch ch ch changes

we are in the midst of a new stage. teething. how fun.

i feel so bad for this babe. he's so little to be teething. i totally didn't expect to have such an early teether. at 14 weeks today, wyatt is definitely teething. we kind of had a feeling that maybe something was going down last week in maui. he was all over his hands, and just drooling a ton. it really wasn't enough to know for sure, if anything it was just a gut feeling. a few nights ago, he was so cranky that annie thought maybe giving him a little tylenol would take the edge off and that totally helped. overall, this past few days have not been a blast for little dude man. long flight on tuesday night meant a long night, a cold, a crusted eye that lead to an eye infection and now, new baby teeth. good times. the picture above was taken this morning when nothing, i mean NOTHING, seemed to calm him down. this of course, was BEFORE we realized there may be some new teeth making their way to the surface of our baby's very sensitive baby gums. as i've mentioned previously, white noise is wyatt's bff. it goes a little like this:

step 1 - have a fan going. if that doesn't work...
step 2 - add the sound machine. if that doesn't work...
step 3 - go into bathroom and turn on fan. if that doesn't work...
step 4 - turn on shower.

usually we stop at step 4. today, that didn't work. we actually had to add a new step...

step 5 - get IN shower.

and ta-da! it worked.

until we had to get out of the shower.

step 6 - tylenol.

to add fuel to this scorpio baby's fire, we're trying out the ol' crib tonight. are we idiots!? i just wrote that thinking, holy crap - i am not a smart woman. he's a noisy little sleeper that keeps this mama up a lot even when he's conked out or just squirming around in his bed. i am going to see how it goes with him just a few doors away. perhaps i'll sleep though his normal sleep noises and only wake to the hunger cries [wishful thinking?]. he loves his room. always seems really happy in his crib. stares in amazement at his mobile. loves his music player. i'm staying positive, can you tell?

wish us luck this next week.

we need it.

don't blink

well kiddo,

here we are at 3 months (and it's nap time so let's see if i can write this to you before you wake up). how the heck did that happen? seriously, time with you has flown by. our days together are over in a blink which is making me sad especially now, knowing we only have about a month left together like this, before i go back to work. i love my job and am so looking forward to seeing all of the people i work with. many, if not all, are people i consider my friends which will only help with the transition. what won't help? you are changing so much every day and i don't want to miss anything.

at a whopping 3 months monkey, here are some of the things i'm loving most about you at this stage:

• your big perfect eyes and the way they light up when you flash me a smile. 
• the way you flash me a smile just seconds after you've had a major freak out. it's like you are saying, "friends again?" just a few days ago you had this gigantic freak out. there wasn't anything i could do to console you except bounce my ass off on the yoga ball. once you calmed down, we came downstairs and i sat on the couch with you as i so often do, resting my legs up on the coffee table and you in a sitting position against my thighs facing me. however, this time you seemingly avoided eye contact with me, almost as if you were embarrassed by the episode that just took place. i watched your eyes as they circled the room, looking everywhere but at me. finally, your eyes met mine and we had a stare down. i just watched you and your little expression. it was so stubborn, and then all of a sudden, there it was. your big, beautiful smile. the one i live to see each day. we were friends again. 
• your chunky thighs. your little legs were so freaking skinny when you were born. little long lanky sticks. now, they are filling out and i just want to eat them for lunch. 
• your yummy baby breath, cinnamon buns. it's still smells just as delicious as it did day one. 
• you in hanna anderson jammies. it's like they were made for your little body. 
• your fake out cry - your little warning wimper is so breathy and pathetic. i love it when you wake up with this cry, letting me know you are up and hungry - in a nice way. 
• your round perfect head - i don't know how a head could be any more perfect. the cherry on top are those cheeks. yum, yum, and yum.

and my most favorite thing about you right now... 

• your contagious giggle. it's deep and raspy and i am thinking i need to record it and have it on repeat all day long when i go back to work. it's just the best sound in the world. you laugh pretty easily when you are right on the cusp of your tired melt down. it's like you get a giggle attack and laugh at pretty much anything and then within a matter of minutes, finito. it's over, and you are swaddled in my arms as i bounce you to sleep. 

you got an eye infection this week sweet boy. i think you got it from me. on the day we left maui i woke up with a crusty eye... it seemed to clear up that day, but you woke up with one yesterday and today my other eye was crusted shut when i woke up. aren't we a pair? we've been sick a lot together these last three months and your daddy often jokes that we need to be quarantined. to make your day even brighter yesterday, you got shots. fun for you. needless to say, you were a little a lot needy and whiney but i soaked it in and cuddled you and rocked you as often as you needed. it wasn't until about 9pm where it got a little old. (just being honest.) but i took a bath and your daddy took over and our night ended with you giggling up a storm at daddy as he sang a random made up song to you as he got you ready for bed. i know it made him so happy - you wouldn't take a bottle from him last night, so i think he needed a little reminder that you still loved him. 

that's all for now little love.  we obviously are still pretty obsessed with you. 

you make our day, everyday.

love, 

mama 

(you can wake up now.)

baby book, 2012 style

my mom recently brought over my baby book. my so very 1980s bright yellow unisex clip-art-ish baby book. it was so much fun looking through it and seeing all of the little things my mom documented when i was born and the months and even years afterwards. there are even little notes in there to me on the day i was born from my mom and dad. i've read them before but it's so much different now. seeing what my sweet daddy wrote to me when i was only hours old is amazing to me now knowing all the love i felt for my first born immediately as well. my mom wrote me a letter a few weeks  before i was born that she gave me when i was 12 weeks pregnant. i read it throughout my pregnancy. it's actually still in my drawer at work because i used to bring it out and read it sometimes in between meetings. my mom wrote me journals when i was first born - i think there are about three of them. they are actually what inspired me to write to wyatt on my blog.

as i glanced through my baby book, it hit me - i don't have one of these for him. i tried to find something that was "me" before he was born, but everything seemed pretty much just as cheesy as the one my mom had for me - copyright 1981. my blog has obviously turned into an electronic baby book of sorts. and i like that. but to have a book that he can flip through really can't be replaced by my blog. so, i've decided to pull from the pages of my baby book and document, even the cheesiest of things, here on my blog and then transition my posts into a "one year book" for wyatt.

the world as it was when wyatt was born:
*please let me note here that this was a good little exercise for me as some of these things i didn't even know. i'm just being honest. 

news headlines: the day wyatt was born was the day the little bellevue boy went missing. the one where the mom said she left him in the car when she ran out of gas. the story no one believes and is still being investigated. ironically, my midwife chris actually delivered that sweet little boy at her birth center. he's still missing. (my mom didn't even attempt this one which makes me laugh. JORDAN BRAYLYN MARSHALL BORN is what it says in my book.)

political figures: the obamas (duh), gov. gregoire (who no one seems to like right now), hilary clinton, john edwards (the presidential candidate that cheated on his cancer stricken wife and had a child out of wedlock then tried to deny it, then had to go jail).

popular artists / entertainers: lady gaga, beyonce, ke$ha, katy perry, justin timberlake, ellen, bethenny frankel, kathy griffin, adele, rihanna, blake shelton, nicki minaj, bruno mars, katy perry, LMFAO, black eyed peas, toby keith, carrie underwood, brad paisley.

popular songs: sexy and i know it (LMFAO), someone like you (adele), moves like jagger (maroon five featuring christina aguilera), pumped up kicks (foster the people), ours (taylor swift), the one that got away (katy perry), it will rain (bruno mars)

latest dance: seriously don't know what to put here? c-walking? (my book says "disco". hilarious.)

big names in sports world: i'm not going to lie. i had to look these up. roger federer (tennis champ), kobe bryant (basketball), lindsey vonn (skiing), michael phelps (swim - olympic gold medalist), lebron james (basketball), apolo ono (speed skating), albert pujois (baseball), lance armstrong (cyclist), drew brees (football), tom brady (football - people don't really seem to like him though), phil mickelson (golf), shaun white (snow boarding), peyton manning (football).

best movie of the year: i went to rolling stone magazine and pulled a few from their top 10 list of 2011: the help, tree of life, the decedents, drive, and money ball. have i seen any of these? no. my list would have included: bridesmaids, crazy stupid love, and the change up. (my book says "raiders of the lost arc", "arthur", and "mommy dearest".)

best selling books: according to ny times best sellers today - extremely loud and incredibly close (also out in theaters starring tom hanks and sandra bullock), taken by robert crais, the help (also just recently out in theaters starring emma stone), the girl with the dragon tattoo (also just out in theaters), and one for the money by janet evanovich. have i read any of these? no. (my book says never say diet by richard simmons. what's better than that?)

popular tv shows: anything reality - bravo's real housewives series & bethenny, the voice, american idol. grey's anatomy, modern family, up all night. (my book says: taxi, hill street blues, love boat, dukes of hazard, MASH, more & mindy, and happy days. obviously.)

fashions, fads, etc: let's see here... what will wyatt care about? i will just put down ty's favorite stuff: diesel jeans, newsboy hats, north face gear, hooded zippy sweatshirts, american apparel t-shirts, lulu lemon workout gear, a&f (yes, he's in his early 30s still sportin' their gear like he's 22. love him.), adidas/brooks/nike running shoes, anything j.crew, banana republic. reef and rainbow flip flops. (and for shits and giggles, my book says: "western clothes, cowboy boots, and gold jewelry".)

there you have it. done and documented.

so we can laugh at it later.

island life

well, we're home.

home from an amazing trip to probably my most favorite place on earth. maui. we had so much fun with annie, dui, and ali girl and coming home yesterday was the last thing i wanted to do. 

days leading up to our trip left me feeling anxious about the flight. our little one is well, unpredictable. actually he's pretty damn predictable in that he can be a fussy baby and has no qualms about getting feisty during inconvenient times. so i don't know who invaded my baby's body on jan. 28th, because that kid was an absolute gem to travel with. easy through security, slept at the gate, woke in time for some tylenol (recommended by my ped, thank you very much!) and out like a light through take off, sucking away on his binky like there was no tomorrow. he had himself a nice snack after the first beverage offering, slept during lunch and the movie and did just fine during the decent / landing. phew. surprisingly, he stared at his sophie doll until his eyes couldn't stay open anymore on our drive from kahului to kahana and was in bed by 6:30 island time. 

i only forgot one thing. well, 4. 4 pieces to my breast pump. you know. the big black bag i lugged throughout the airport and on the plane so that i could get my drink on in maui and stay out late on my planned date nights with annie and my hubby? yah, that one. the one i couldn't even use when i was there. ty did try to help me out by going to the ONLY store on the island (1.5 hours both ways might i add) to get me the parts, only to come home missing one of them. good times. yah, i cried. 

i still got my drink on. {i just timed it so i drank immediately after a feeding and would be ready three hours later to feed. i also probably only got my ONE DRINK ON PER THREE HOUR STRETCH if we're being honest.} 

it really was just the best trip - for so many reasons. we got to spend uninterrupted time with our best friends - something we haven't been able to do, well, ever. we loved on their sweet ali girl every second we could. ty and i loved having wyatt in our favorite place ever, even if he was a little crabby dab. 

{crabby dab = the poor kiddo had off/on heat rashes the first few days adjusting to the temp and humidity,  he continued to hate car rides, and tended to get over stimulated by the trade winds.} 

coming home sucked. the thought of leaving sucked, but literally, the trip home couldn't have been more annoying. wyatt cried the majority of the flight, puked all over himself, had a blow out, and finally assed out the last 90 minutes. there were about a trillion other tired / loud / crying / yelling kiddos on the flight. it's like they all had a pow wow before the flight and said, "hey, let's all be pains in the assess so these poor fools won't be mad at just one of us."we also couldn't sit with our besties. on the way over, we basically had a row to our selves and could swap kids, and seats as often as we wanted. this time, we were in the last row fending for ourselves, while annie and du did the same several rows up and on the opposite side of the plane. 

i know. you don't really feel that bad for us. we just spent several days in maui, posting instagram photos like they were going out of business.  (if you didn't catch our trip via instagram, follow me at jbjensen.) 

here are a few of my favorite [non-instagram] pictures from our trip!