sweet girl, how did it happen that five years flew so fast? you are in kindergarten now, and i just can't believe how you get more and more cool with each passing year. you really are the coolest. so warm hearted and confident. the perfect mix of sensitive and kick ass. silly and serious, smart and witty. each year, i come up with new words to describe you. the latest role you've taken on is that you are a big sister now, and just amazing at it. your natural instincts with shelby are so impressive. you are so nurturing. i guess you've learned a thing or two from all of your special baby dolls - cindy, cici (although, i don't know which one this is exactly -- it seems cici is the name that transfers to the babies you like for a few minutes each), and emma. you are quick to complete your tasks, and this past year in pre-k we often heard reference to you rushing through your work just to finish first. this has been you since you started to realize you liked to beat wyatt at any and everything you could. so, i am not surprised this is popping up at school too.

speaking of school, you started at a new one this year with wyatt. and the moment your daddy and i saw the classroom when we toured it, we knew this was your classroom. we saw the chickens, met flash, the classroom turtle and learned you'd be going on a field trip a month. you belonged in ms. ashmore's class and you are doing great. we're so proud of you. the way you write your little name melts me. your bestfriend mashita is in your class, and that came as the biggest and best surprise to us. when we decided to go the private school route, we had no idea your little bestie was on her way to the same school.

you started riding your bike full speed back in january when you saw wyatt get a shit ton of attention, and you learned how to swim this year when you needed to keep up with him, too. you are happy 99% of the time. you're getting a little tougher on us, but that usually only happens when you're tired. you still wake up early AF but it's getting better. you let me do your hair every morning while watching 'baby shows' on the ipad. the breakdowns aren't frequent and they don't last forever, but they are like a tornado when they show up. we all take cover and hide until it's passed. it's best for everyone.

you are still charming beyond belief, and if that doesn't catch the attention of anyone you make contact with first, it's your smile and your big heart. your hugs still rock, and you are desperate to keep us in your room at night for as long as possible. you pull out all of your charm, and you won't give up until you know we're about to lose our shit if you don't let us leave your room without a fight. you know your limits. you still start each day with daddy and a bowl of cereal. you have the most amazing sense of humor and lately what you tend to crack up at is shelby. there's something about her expressions, or her toots, that send you into an uproar of laughter. i want to never forget you laughing so hard when we did solids with her for the first time jus last week. she gagged, and you couldn't handle it. you were dying. you even said, "my heart is laughing so hard" and then you ended up with hiccups. she cracks you up.

you make us so happy, honey. you are the best. the best daughter. the best little sister to wyatt (still challenging him to the max). you are the best big sister to shelby (a total natural little mama). you love us with all you have. you live your life like i hope you always do - full speed ahead, hair blowing in the wind and always smiling.

happy 5th year beautiful, strong girl.

love,

mommy

for wyatt - my teacher

buddy,

it's almost been 7 years since we met. 7 years since you made me a mama. i had no idea what i was doing back then. and guess what? i still don't. at least with you. you and i cross bridges together for the first time, practically daily. and sometimes those walks together are sunny walks across, not a cloud in the sky. sometimes we're skipping, holding hands, laughing and it's quite literally a walk in the park. other times, it's pouring rain, you're crying, and i'm yelling to hurry up. we've had lots and lots of changes the last year. especially the last 6 weeks - lots of firsts. first grade started 6 weeks ago, new routines, new school, new teacher, homework (lots of homework!), reading, and more questions about how things work and why coming at us like darts. you are so curious and inquisitive. i think it's my favorite thing about you. you are very into lights right now, and really anything electric. you love learning how things work. (in hawaii on our third night, you let curiosity get the best of you when you touched a hot floor can light. oh my gosh, you poor guy. we felt so bad for you, little love.) you have really grown up and as i write this, i realize i haven't written you a birthday letter in a bit. crap.) you are protective, and kind. you are the sweet boy at school, i can just tell. when we'd ask your teacher Ms. Lisa (you had her for two straight years!) how you were doing in school, or when we'd meet with her at conferences, she'd always cock her head and her tone said it all. she really loved having you in her class. you are a natural leader and you love playing family and school with summer. you set up your room, her room and the playroom as classrooms most of the time, and get out all of your stuffies and dolls and bring them to school and do classroom things that you've learned while being a student yourself. you are just beginning to read after it started to click late into kindergarten in may/june. you have a tendency to gravitate towards numbers - clocks, watches, calculators are your jam. you learned to ride your bike this past year and swimming really clicked for you last june. you were a total pro this past summer. my most favorite thing about you right now is how much you love shelby. oh my goodness, are you obsessed. there are definitely times where i need to peel you off her and i know it bums you out when i do. i don't mean to hurt your feelings when i do it, but personal space isn't really a thing you require so we're doing our best to teach you that those you love the most do. god, i love you. you are sensitive and spirited. that's the best way for me to describe you right now. your feelings are hurt easily, and it seems even the tiniest re-direction can throw you over the edge. you've also gotten so much better at rolling with it, but your tendency to hate surprises is something i can totally relate to. i get it. believe me. we like to know what we're doing, when we're doing it, and why. must be a scorpio thing?

lately we've had more sunny walks, at least i'd like to think so. lately i've had glimpses into your big kid sense of humor. i think we connect most when we see summer do something silly and for a laugh. you are maturing in what you think is funny. that said, i did stumble upon a book you made last week called "poop and pee". there were pictures inside of a smiling poop, similar to the poop emoji but with it's own charm. it also had a picture of a stick person peeing but their privates looked more like a crescent moon than an actual penis. (you'll take any opportunity you can to write the word poop. last year, on a cold day, you wrote "poop" on the slide at school and all the kids gathered around it to laugh with you - until ms. lisa joined the crowd and apparently blood rushed to those sweet little cheeks of yours just in time to apologize.) we've been able to spend so much time together and your love language has to be physical touch (hugs, kisses, tickles, you name it) and quality time (can you read with me? play with me? sit by me? go with me?) but it seems there's never enough time for you. i am not sure you're every really satisfied with what you get from me. that's ok. most of the time. sometimes i feel so guilty about not being able to drop it all and just be with you, "and only you" as you've recently began to say. but kid, i'm not sure you've ever had this much time with me. even when i was on maternity leave with you (and only you), i wasn't as focused on you. i didn't know how to be in the moment with you kiddos like i do now. it takes practice to be in the moment, and i can easily say that's been the one thing i've been working on solidly since you were born. we've had some dates the last few months and i can tell our time together fills your love tank. when you're acting out i know it's because you need time with me. focused, in the moment, time. sometimes we'll play legos together, which usually means i'm watching you play legos. the other night i laid on your bedroom floor with you as we listened to stone soup together and you memorized the words so you could "read" the book to me. you'd keep me to yourself forever if you could. it's hard now, but i know someday when you just want me out of your way, i'll miss this terribly. 

i've been feeling bad about the harder walks the last couple of days - and i need to get a few things off my chest. not for you to understand from me now. but later on. whenever you read these letters to you that i've been writing for 7 years.

there have been some harder moments lately. times i've been extra hard on you. where i hear myself coming down hard. and your little face is broken. i don't want to break you. ever. there have been two situations the last couple of weeks where i have messed up. i've broken you down. the first was a couple of weeks ago when daddy heard you call summer "a little bitch". i lost it. i didn't even hear it. i wasn't even there. but daddy told me and instead of just asking you what you said calmly first, i immediately jumped on you about what you said. come to find out, you genuinely didn't know you said it or what you said, or what it even meant. i was questioning you so immediately, and so aggressively, you didn't know what to say to me. looking back, i did nothing to make it easy on you to tell me the truth. but you sure as hell tried. you continued to say you didn't say that but i didn't believe you. it wasn't until your eyes told me that i was wrong. my approach was wrong. you may have said it but you didn't know you said it. and you didn't even know what i was talking about. you just knew you were in trouble and that i was mad. at you. and it came out of nowhere. you didn't deserve that. i messed up.

the other time was last week when you forgot to turn in your homework that we worked on for most of the night before. you are 6.5 and you forgot to turn in your homework. you would have thought the world was going to end when i found out you forgot. i don't know why my expectations of you are so high sometimes. maybe it's because i have high expectations of myself. maybe it's because you not turning in your homework felt like a reflection of me. like i wasn't doing my job. like your teacher would judge me or think i wasn't doing my part to set you up for success. maybe, in this case, it was because we worked so hard on it together the night before, and i was proud of us that we got it done. together. so when you didn't turn it in, it felt (unfairly) like it was all for nothing. all i know for sure is that i was ridiculous. afterwards, i was mortified at my reaction over this and we sat down and i said i was sorry and i couldn't help but cry. sometimes that's all i can do. apologize, hug you, and sometimes cry.

i hate that you get these raw first moments from me where i am the rookie reactive mom. not the loving patient mama i strive to be. some days are hard but god i hope you remember the best days too. i'm ok with being this way, sometimes, if it means you can see that i'm not perfect and that i can say i am sorry when i screw up. i want you to learn how to show me and others grace, and love, even when the shittiest sides are shown to you. because honey, people aren't perfect. we are constantly learning and growing. we are always doing things for the first time and sometimes we do those things well, and sometimes we don't. and it's ok. i need you to love me despite myself. maybe i need to love me despite myself, and getting this off my chest is more for me than you.

you always say you want to be a teacher when you grow up. you already are. you are my teacher, and i've never learned more from anyone than you. someday, when you read these letters, i hope i make more sense to you. i hope you read them and know me better and love me harder.

love you always, my forever first. my teacher. my heart.

mommy

Shelby Kate's Birth Story

If you were to ask me 5 years ago, when I wrote Summer's birth story, if I thought that I would ever write another birth story again, you would have heard me say "hell no, I am absolutely never doing THAT again!".  Summer's birth was hard on me - physically for obvious reasons, but mentally as well. Doing "THAT" again wasn't in the cards. When we decided to go for a third baby, I knew that I'd never have "THAT" kind of birth again. While it was a natural water birth with the most amazing team ever, I was in a mindset I never wanted to be in again. I did a lot of things differently leading up to Shelby's birth to help me create a new and unique experience. One where I wouldn't find myself comparing her story to Wyatt's or Summer's, but to create one that was uniquely ours.

Before I get into my actual labor, I just want to hit on a couple of important things that helped me prepare for this birth. Leading up to Shelby's birth we met with my incredible birth team at Eastside Birth Center in Bellevue, WA. Monthly visits prepared me emotionally to let go of the elements of birth that are outside of my control, and to grab onto the things that absolutely were. We decided to plan for a home birth, with the intention that changing my environment would make for an immediate differentiator. We talked about things that I had buried deep for years, and fears that crept up were addressed and processed so that I could continue staying in the positive head space I had wanted to be in this time around. Choosing a birth team that you connect with is truly the most important step in working towards having the birth you want. Feeling heard, respected, and loved throughout your journey to your labor day makes for the most incredible birth experience. I really believe that. The second most important decision you'll make when planning for the birth you want is to hire yourself a doula. My doula, Kristin Dibeh, has 20 years of experience, yet treats every pregnancy, mother, labor and baby as it's own individual experience. I love that about her. I took her birth preparedness class before I had Wyatt almost 7 years ago, and used her incredible book, Expecting Kindness this time to get myself ready. It's her entire lesson plan in writing. Genius. Kristin knows me well, and insisted we have a few chats before labor day. Looking back, I am pretty sure she sensed there may be a deeper hesitation in me that she didn't want to creep in on labor day. She was right. I was completely doubting my why. I had lost it. I had forgotten why it was that I wanted a home birth. Why did I decide to take the hard route, and go unmedicated? Why didn't I just go to the hospital and get an epidural and numb myself from these feelings of pain? When she and I talked, about 2 weeks before she was able to pull this out of me. She's that good, I tell ya. What she told me is something I will never forget. I wasn't choosing the 'hard route'. Birth is hard. No matter how you slice it. It's painful. No matter how you slice it. Unmedicated birth might be painful in the moment, and less so after. Medicated births might be less so in the moment, and more so after. Each birth is different, and there is no easy way out. One way isn't harder or easier when it comes to experiencing pain. That was pivotal in helping me to recall my why. I wanted to experience every piece of my births. I wasn't afraid of pain. And I could do it. I would do it. I did do it.

The week leading up to my due date I knew that Chris, the midwife that had attended both Wyatt and Summer's births was going to be on vacation and off call over Memorial Day weekend. We both thought I'd hold out until she was back but that Friday before Memorial Day, I knew things were kicking up. I was having contractions inconsistently and they were super manageable but things were changing. That Friday was the best day. I worked a bit in the morning before grabbing a few groceries at Trader Joe's and having lunch with Ty at Cactus, one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We were able to talk about what was to come, and walk around town and head home before he went to get the kids from school. I napped and snuck over to visit my brother, sister in law, and baby niece knowing it would be the last visit I'd get for awhile just me. It was so special. That night after the kids went to bed, Ty and I got cozy and watched a movie, while I ignored subtle contractions, before heading to bed. I fell asleep wondering if these little inconsistent contractions would change into something more serious. At 6am that next morning, May 26th, I woke up to pee and saw my bloody show. Instantly I knew this was it, as this had been a sign in my first two births, and that Chris would miss it. I called my doula and considered doing what I could to 'hold off' until Monday when Chris was back but decided that wasn't a way to meet our baby. I'd let this baby take the lead and we'd meet him or her soon enough. (To this day, I still can't believe we didn't find out the gender!) The day was pretty laid back once we had the big kids picked up by my father in law around 10:30am. It was obvious I couldn't really get to work until they were gone. From there, Ty and I grabbed lunch at Taco Time (still dying at this choice) and headed to Fred Meyer because I realized I didn't have any white newborn onesies. Urgent need, right? LOL. We went home, and napped from about 1:30-3:30 and around 4 asked my best friend/soul sister/soul mate Annie to head over. We also asked our amazing birth photographer/videographer, Jessica of One Tree Photography to make her way to us.

Annie showed up with dinner and such contagious energy. Annie is so many things to me. She always knows just what I need and having her there made me feel so in the moment and excited to be doing this again. She is an incredible friend and instantly puts me at ease in any situation. She also brings an element of inappropriateness that I desperately love and need at all times. I wish I could remember all of her little comments and jokes that she so perfectly brings to all occasions. Shelby's birth was no different.

Ty filled the tub, and his wine glass, and was just everything I needed him to be that day. He's always everything I need him to be. I know he wasn't always excited about a home birth, but he trusted me and he knew to support me on this one. That day, he rose to the occasion, as usual. 

My sweet Mama and my birth team arrived around 7pm, and that's when things really started to change. I wasn't totally sure if asking them to come was the right call, but once they arrived I was able to let go and allow myself to really start focusing on getting this baby out! Kat, the midwife on call was so sweet and fantastic from the second she walked in. She was a huge differentiator and played a role in making this birth it's own very special birth. We had dinner and laughed a lot. They enjoyed wine with their pasta, while I chowed. It was a Saturday night dinner party. Except I was having a baby, on display in my underwear.

After I happily gobbled up my dinner, I decided I needed a change of scenery so we made our way upstairs. I labored around our bathroom with Annie for a few and saw a warm filled birth tub and wanted to get in. The contractions were getting harder, and it felt like a good time to give it a whirl. I think the next hour or so was probably my favorite part of the night. I was so in the moment with my crew. In between contractions, I laughed with them and smiled, and just enjoyed being present with them. It felt so easy to have a room full of people watching me, for whatever reason. And it was a full room. We had Ty, my mom, Annie, Kat, Kristin, Jessica, and a couple of birth assistants. Oh and Ben, our sweet pup who didn't want to leave my side. 

At around 10pm, Kat asked to check me. I knew I was having way too much fun and the chances that I'd have to get my ass out of the tub and actually do something to get this babe out were very high. I decided that getting checked was a good idea just so I wasn't in the tub without much change for longer than I needed to be. With the help of my doula Kristin, we asked that I get checked but that no actual number be shared. I didn't want that to discourage me, but could definitely handle being told that I should hop out and work a little harder for a bit to bring on some more change. From the pictures and video, I can see that I was feeling a little deflated but I honestly don't remember it. I just remember owning it and getting out and getting it done. Around this time, my dad arrived. I just loved that he was there. (He waited and worried downstairs the majority of the time and made his way up for the actual birth.) I walked the stairs quite a bit, took breaks with Ty at the bottom and top, threw up in there somewhere, and soon found myself on the bed trying a new position that absolutely killed. Laying down during active labor is not awesome. The contractions and breaks between were both long. I took advantage of the breaks and probably only had about 5 in that position before getting up and doing this weird leg up on the bed position. As awkward and as painful as that was, it created change and I was immediately in the bathroom throwing up again. This is when I felt really bad for myself. I remember sobbing while doing the two things I hate most in life - throwing up and contracting. Not the best combination, but probably took me into a form of transition. I really don't know when I went into transition honestly, but looking back on this moment and it's intensity I believe this could have been it. That said, it was still over an hour and a half until I met my baby. I got into the shower, and let my body take advantage of being upright. I swayed, and moaned, and let the hot water beat against my back and belly. I found a rhythm where I'd face the water during a break, and turn my back to the water during a contraction. I moved through these for awhile and waited for the birth tub to get refilled.  

At around 12:30am, I made my way back in the tub. This was when my experience stands out as unique and different from Wyatt and Summer's, physically. With Wyatt, the change from contractions to pushing was distinct. It was obvious. It was a relief. It was exciting. With Summer, the change was fast and my body was moving so quickly that my head couldn't keep up. This time, with each contraction that last hour, it would evolve into a push. It was like half a contraction, and half a push.  For a really long time. It confused me. It felt long, and drawn out. I got breaks between that were long enough for me to analyze and at one point Kat kicked everyone out just so Ty and I could be in the dark together without an audience. When everyone left, we looked into each other's eyes as I squatted and I just processed out loud. He listened, always so patiently. I decided to lay on my back and just accept the pain as it was and give in. In a matter of minutes my sounds changed, and everyone was back in the room and the lights were on. With a contraction or two, I felt enormous pressure.  It was indescribable beyond that. Huge, intense, pressure. A pop later, I knew my water had broken. It felt like forever at that point, but it was only 6 minutes later that her head was out. Her head was out, and I knew in that moment the worst of it was over. I leaned over, and just waited. I waited for the next contraction where I knew my baby would be out. I just laid there in my doula's arms as she stroked my hair. I took my breaths. I heard nothing but my breath. About a minute later, on May 27th at 1:38am according to my mama and 1:40 according to my birth team, my baby was out and in my arms and all I could do was beg for help to get her into my arms so I could see her face. She was caked in vernix around her back and bootie. We waited another 6 minutes before learning her gender and it was the most glorious 6 minutes. Just looking at her, smelling her, touching her, and enjoying her - all before knowing she was a her. In that moment, her gender didn't matter. I was so in love. I was so proud of us. All of us. We did it. Each and every one of us in that room, and her. We did it. She was there, safe and beautiful and breathing and crying. Perfectly born in our home, just as I had imagined for the last 9 months.

I felt she was a girl the whole time I was pregnant, but of course, you have to prepare for both because you don't know know until they are in your arms. It was a magical moment and I'm so thankful that it's on video because watching it back and seeing my reaction is so special. She looked exactly like Summer to me the moment I saw her. Even then, I didn't know she was girl until we looked. I just knew, that whatever she was, she looked just like her big sister. I love looking back on that moment knowing it really didn't matter at all. We told the room her name, Shelby, and that we were still not totally sure on her middle name. (We decided on her middle name a few hours after everyone left.)

Ty did skin to skin next, and I waited to birth my placenta which ended up being almost as dramatic as Shelby's birth. (It took forever to come out, which lead to clots and bleeding that could have lead to a hospital visit if my body wouldn't have gotten it's act together. Luckily it did, and all was fine after a pitocin drip and some aggressive massaging.)

Everyone except for me knew she was huge at just the sight of her, the second she came out. Apparently her back fat gave that away! I didn't really piece together why it was so long and hard to push her out, but she was huge at almost 10 pounds. (Wyatt was 7 pounds 12 oz, and Summer was 8 and half pounds for reference.) When we learned her weight, 9 pounds 12 oz, I don't think anyone thought she'd be that big. The guesses were around 9 pounds, max. She was 21.5 inches long.

Having Shelby at home was the best decision for me. Her birth was so incredibly healing after feeling like such a negative version of myself during Summer's birth. I felt positive and in the moment the entire time. I felt her birth physically (obviously - hot damn, she was massive) and emotionally. I was in the right headspace, and each person there was strong for me the entire time. They were there, breathing with me. (One of my most favorite parts of the video is when Annie is literally breathing with me.) They never left me, they never doubted me, and they worked dang hard to make sure I didn't doubt me either. They reminded me what I was capable of, and they encouraged me to trust my body. Without them, the most amazing team, this birth wouldn't have been exactly what I needed it to be. I will always look back on Shelby's birth as uniquely ours, with so many familiar and special elements to her sister and brother's births, but her very own individual and magical story. 

Welcome to the world, Shelby Kate. Our surprise baby. You've changed the game, sister. We love you more than we'll ever be able to tell you because it was actually YOU that completed our family. It was always YOU that we've been waiting for. Thank you for choosing us to be yours forever. 

You can watch Shelby's birth video here and hopefully together this post and the video bring her beautiful birth to life for you. 

mother's day - a letter to my third

oh sweet baby, we're close. really close.

and this mother's day, i've gotten to spend a lot of time with just you while you hiccup and find what little room is left inside me to get cozy. it's such a beautiful day and i've found myself just slowing down today and thinking about what it's going to be like when you are here. i've done this two other times, you know. but each time, it's a little different. the prep, the waiting, the reflecting, the anxiety, the excitement, the unknown. there is so much we don't know. who you are, what you'll be like, look like, cry like, smile like, laugh like. the biggest question that is yet to be answered is are you a boy or a girl?! i still can't believe we never found out. i think the moment i think about the most is those first few seconds after you come out, and you're slippery little body is snuggled into my chest, and your legs are so tightly curled up and i have to find the energy to peel you away to see what's down there. i absolutely can't wait to learn your gender. not only do i get a beautiful baby as this incredible gift after working harder than ever to bring you here, we get the best surprise of our life when we meet you for the first time. talk about motivation to get through labor as quickly as possible.

i am nervous for only one thing about your arrival - and it's just that. getting you here. i don't know why i am so nervous for labor. i've done this twice and i know what to expect. but that's just it, i know what to expect, and i know it's damn hard. but i can do hard. i know that. we will do hard, little one. i am working to remind myself that i am strong, i am in control, and i that i trust you and my body. there are certain things that really helped me with your brother and sister - and those things had a lot to do with working with each wave or contraction and taking advantage of them to get you guys here as efficiently as possible. and my absolute favorite - to truly let my monkey do it. which means, to let go and lean into what i'm experiencing vs. fight it. accepting that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and taking on each wave, one at a time, is letting my monkey do it. i know it's all about mindset and if i stay in control of my headspace, staying focused on my thoughts and my breath we will do this and it will be beautiful.

you are already magical to me. i breath in and you respond to me every time. your little feet kick out to my right side, and i can rub them and tap them and you are always there to connect with me. we have a special relationship already. you are my last. i have soaked in this pregnancy because of that very reason - i don't want to forget anything about it. i know i haven't written to you as often as i did with Wyatt and Summer, but sweet thing - you are my memories. this pregnancy with you is what i will remember the easiest. the morning sickness, the predictable movement, the position you were in for so long with your head down, back and butt to the left and feet completely kicked to the right of me making me look so crookedly shaped. the heartburn. the hiccups. the bad sleep. the constant middle of the night snacks. the peeing. the baths. your daddy and the kids loving on you inside there, so curious about what you are going to be like once you are here. you are already so loved. it's a gift knowing you are our last because i have really felt so lucky and blessed to cherish every single moment, even the not so fun moments this time around. perhaps, just maybe, writing this to you is helping me prepare for your labor. it's the last time - and there's never been a time i've felt more connected to my body, more proud of myself, and more secure in the life your daddy and i have created together than experiencing labor and bringing a new perfect person into this world. that's why i do labor the way i do. i want to feel it. i am not afraid of it. let's do this.

we are so ready to meet you. we're two weeks away from our due date munchkin. i'm enjoying our last bit of time together 'like this' but you can bet you are going to love it out here. you've got lots of hands, some smaller than others, ready to love on you.

keep cookin' love. i trust you.

your mama.

third time's a charm

It was right after I posted my last post, about date night, that I took a pregnancy test with Ty. I wrote that post to kill time, as I waited to hear him walk through the front door, with the tests in hand. We debated on taking it after date night, for obvious reasons. Wouldn't it be better to have one more night out that included wine? But I couldn't wait. There's something about a pregnancy test. You see one, and you just have to pee on it immediately. Whether I was or wasn't, it would be good for us to use the time to process whatever the results were. We'd been working on a third baby for the last several months. I'd seen a few negative tests over the past 6 months, but it wasn't until the summer that we decided to get serious.  I knew that if I saw a negative test this time, I'd be bummed. I just felt it in my gut that I was. I wasn't technically late yet, so the only thing I relied on was that did everything we could to get pregnant that cycle. Ty and I looked at each other and got pregnant with Wyatt and Summer. It took no effort whatsoever. This time around was different.

Ty barely got his coat off before I was frantically unwrapping the test and getting myself situated in the bathroom downstairs. I peed. We waited. It looked like it was going to be negative, so I walked out and handed it to him alluding to that. "So weird. It looks negative. I'm surprised." He took it back into the bathroom and set it on the counter and by the time he did that, the plus sign was appearing. It was most definitely a positive. And it was no different this time around. We were shocked. It worked. We made a baby. The next few hours were surreal and we just looked at each other and laughed most of our dinner, dying over the fact that were doing this again. How much fun it was going to be to watch the kids do this with us. Having them be apart of this next chapter was, and still is, the icing on the cake.

At exactly 6 weeks pregnant, I immediately felt like shit. I was so sick until about 17 or 18 weeks, and truly didn't feel the second trimester relief until around 22 weeks. I had all day sickness and while I was so relieved to have such obvious symptoms, it also plain sucked. I learned it's ok to feel shitty and gratitude simultaneously. I wasn't this sick with Wyatt or Summer, and heard from many that the hormones just take over a little more with each pregnancy and the sickness can be worse with each one. That was definitely my case.

We heard the heartbeat on Wyatt's birthday, and that night we told the kids, with our family there as witness, the big news. This news was standing in the way of Wyatt and his birthday gifts, so needless to say it was onto the next thing pretty quickly after it was shared. We had our first ultrasound on November 15th, and saw a real baby in there, making the sickness feel even more worth it all.  I felt little flutters on Christmas, and felt legit baby movement on New Year's Eve. On January 10th at 10am we had our 20 week ultrasound, and looked away when Dawn (only the best tech ever!) scanned for the gender. Ty felt a real kick for the first time when we celebrated his birthday with a little staycation on January 26th.

I've really tried to stay in a positive headspace this pregnancy. There is something about knowing it's the last time, for real, that I'll be pregnant. I'm trying to be easier on myself about body image stuff. I eat what I want and I don't think much of it. Now at 29 weeks (tomorrow), I can truly say I love the way I'm looking and feeling. The babe moves constantly which is so reassuring. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this birth, which we plan to do at home this time given we had really straightforward experiences at the birth center with both Wyatt and Summer. I'd rather just stick home and do my thing, vs. get in the car to hop into a tub just like the one we have at home. I've been practicing some hypnobirthing techniques which I think will help me stay and feel more in control this time. I felt anything but in control when I had Summer, and I really want to focus on having a labor more like Wyatt's this time. Focused, calm, in control, and confident are all things I long to feel this time.

We really have no idea what to expect when this baby arrives but we already know there's room in our hearts for one more little person to love and learn from. Here's to the next three months of finding balance in knowing change is coming, while enjoying things exactly as they are for just a bit longer.