Whatever I imagined my life to be before you is everything I had hoped for, yet nothing I ever expected. You are the best parts of your daddy and I. All three of you. We made three of you. It still blows my mind that we created this family together, and after all of these years, we still can't put how much we love you into words. You each are individually so incredibly special, yet together you are all so intricately connected. It's like you've always known each other. It's like you've already lived a life well before this one together.
I continue to come back to this idea that we're all here to learn. Each life is here to capture the moments, learn from the good decisions and the mistakes, and work hard to evolve and embrace what's thrown at us. Each of you are an educator, constantly teaching and loving me despite my mis-steps. I try hard to catch myself when I know I've made a mistake. When I know I owe you an apology - usually for losing my cool, for yelling, for over-reacting. You love me anyway. You continue to show me grace, see the good in me, and love me hard. Anyway.
This summer was sure a ride. I was out numbered, and out mastered most of the time. I stumbled, you stumbled, and in the end we found our groove. Three kids against one mommy is no joke. I honestly hope for my own enjoyment that each of you brave three kids for three months S O L O. I can't wait to watch that go down. 9 grandkids though? Yes please. What I woudn't give.
I wish I had the energy to capture every memory from our time together since I left the corporate world. It's been 6 months since work started to look differently for me, and while you're too little to know it now, this is just as much for you as it is for me. Sometimes it's easy to chalk it up to having three small kids as the reason leaving a big company job made sense. The truth is, I was ready to push myself professionally WHILE pushing myself as a mom. I wanted to look back, while watching you guys snag that diploma or walk that alter and be thankful that all of my years with you, just us, WERE NOT A BLUR. I want this time to be all of the things - even hard, and scary, and rough - as I watch you each become independently YOU.
Tonight, we broke out your new buffalo check and plaid pajamas. Wyatt and Summer in red/black buffalo check, and Shelby in the last 18-24 months plaid Old Navy had. All you guys wanted to do was tumble around and goof off. So much so, I never got a good picture of you guys for Daddy, who's working late and staying overnight in Seattle tonight. (P.S. I always write my best notes to you when he's not home so I can cry as I write without any concern or interruption. "You cryin' babe?") Earlier, we played outside with the neighbors, Shelby cozy in the bob stroller while Wyatt and Summer killed it at hide and seek until it started to get dark. Our days start slow now, Daddy usually taking you to school while I've been trying to walk to get you as often as I can. Except for today, when I let Shelby sleep until 3:30 when school got out at 3:35. I had no choice but to drive and wait in car line to get you. Wyatt, you're so responsible and eager to not disappoint anyone, practically dragging Summer by her back pack to get in the line in time for me to pull up. Summer, you constantly push the boundaries. I'm scared for what's to come with you. Seriously. Don't push your luck in high school, or else.
Going into our summer together, I was so scared of being on my own with you guys for long periods of time. It intimidated me to think of taking you anywhere on my own. Often times, it paralyzed me. We overcame that, and found ourselves at the park, out to lunch, and a few times, at Gramma's pool. Solo parenting you guys is still not my favorite thing to do and there are things I do far better that I'd rather do instead. Yet, I am so proud of us. I am so thankful for you, and your patience and grace. I know you'll end up in therapy for all of my fuck ups as a mom, but while you're there you better not, for a single second, doubt how much I love you. That would kill me.
Tonight, I tucked your warm, squirmy, easily ticklish bodies into your beds. Each of you with your very distinct squishy cheeks that I snuggle my face into and sniff in every night. If I was blind, and only had your cheeks to distinguish you by, you can bet I'd nail it every single time. Wyatt, yours especially, are exactly the same as they were the moment my face met yours the night you were born.
I love you guys so much. I am not a perfect mom, and you love me anyway. I hope you get to feel the feels that I have for each of you some day, because it will be in those moments that you will truly know what it means to me, to be your mom.
Goodnight, and I love you, sweet babies of mine.
If you know what's good for you, you'll sleep past 6.
XOXO,
Your Mama