hi sunshine girl - you are already 4 months old. dying here. seriously. how in the heck has time sped up so significantly since you arrived, my love?

i am sorry that my letters to you sound so redundant. i love you so much, i really need a new word for love. and for obsessed. and for lucky. i need a new phrase for "dream come true".

you had your check up a few days ago - 14 lbs, 2 oz - 80th percentile on length, 52nd for weight, and 48th for head. still taking after me in the pin-head department. your sleeping… better. that's all i will say. you're in the magic sleep suit, which is a crack up and a half. you smile all. the. time. still. never stop, please? the dimple is going to get you so far in life, i promise you that. (obligatory insert: you're brain will too - that also matters.) you love your hands, and you still always seem to find that thumb of yours. you chatter a ton. you're showing no signs of rolling over any time soon. you like to be upright, watching and snooping at everything around you. you seem to be more patient with your crazy brother, as he learns to be less of a head butter. good times. you two had your first interaction a couple of nights ago while he was in the tub. you were smiling at each other, and laughing and it was a glimpse into the future. it made my heart sing. i literally felt it do a triple axle in my chest when it happened. the first of many times i stop to engrain a memory of you two into my brain so that i never ever forget it. one of those moments i will flash to when you both are older, with littles of your own. it was a flash of the special relationship you both will have as you grow together.

you filled a gaping hole in my heart the moment i saw you. and you continue to make me better, stronger, happier, and more focused then i've ever been. you, my girl, came right when i needed you most.

happy 4 months to you. and to us, the family i always imagined i'd be so lucky to have.

love times infinity,

your mama.

and it's happening

kiddos. littlest loves of my life. i go back to work this week. and as much as i hate to think about not being with you like i have these past 4 months, i know it's going to be ok. i know it's going to be ok because we are a strong crew. an adaptable crew that always does better with change that we expect. and by we, i mean me. it seems that the anticipation of change is always, always, always more dramatic than the change itself. i remember this today, and will remind myself often over the next two days.

we're ok. we'll always be ok.

see - the drama!?!?!?

i'm actually excited to switch things up a bit - spread the wealth as it relates to the sleep deprivation that reared its head when SJ was born. you're dad is so excited to get a piece of that, i tell ya what. he can't stop talking about it. chick - if you start sleeping through the night on tuesday night i will kiss you a million times before heading to work on wednesday. that being said, if you sleep through the night on tuesday night and give your dad an out i might just die.

wyatt - my little dream boat. you and i are pretty tight these days. i know it's going to be more of an adjustment for your sister than it is you, because you and i have had the same routine practically the whole time i've been off. but i think the part that will be hardest for us is that when we are together, i am going to really be spreading myself between you two babes. since i've been with summer 1:1 during the days you go to school, it's easier for me to want to focus on you those evenings. now that i won't see either of you, that might be a little rough for this mama. i promise to do my best. and i promise that there will be times my best won't be good enough for you. i'm sorry for that. you'll get over it. right? i went and did my own thing yesterday, and we didn't get a lot of time together. it was pretty apparent at bedtime. around 9:30 you were still tossing and turning after a meltdown with daddy. you wanted me. you don't always want me. most of the time, you're good with whoever puts you down. lately, you'll do whatever to stall bedtime, but i knew last night was different. i saw your little beedy eyes on the monitor looking around the room as you tried your best to get cozy, and i knew your day wasn't over yet. i went in and you popped up. i could see the silhouette of your bed head and i said, "let mama rock you" and you grabbed your blankie and i swooped you up. you were sleepy - and heavy. you sunk into me as we rocked in your glider. your little breathy sounds timed perfectly with each new rock and it only took a few strokes of your little bangs to know you were out. i carried you back to your crib and as you curled into your little sleepy ball, and i covered you with your other blankets, i knew all felt very right again in your world. i'm thankful for my mama instincts on nights like that. and i know we'll have more of those here, which is absolutely more than OK with me little boy.

summer - my little light. where the heck did you come from? could you be a happier, smilier baby? really? you are such an incredible joy. so easy to have around. so breezy. so exactly what i hoped for. when we named you, i pictured this happiness coming into our life just by having you here. but honestly sweet girl, you are your name. you are always in the best mood (assuming hunger and sleep are covered), always bright, and warm, my love. you are such a huge part of the dreams i've had for myself for so long. we have had a great start and i love knowing how much we have to look forward to. i absolutely can not wait to get to know you better - to watch you grow and become you.

i'm going back part time this month, which will help so so so much. i'll be home on tuesdays and fridays with you little munchies and i am going to try to be the best (a.k.a. most calm, most engaged, and most fun) i can be. i know that going back to work will make my time with you even more important to me.  it's still hard having you both by myself, but it's getting so much better. time is the best gift. we're all learning so much right now, and the changes have been so amazingly good for our family.

but i do miss myself sometimes. the fun me. the care free me. the one that isn't always needing help, fearing failure and adapting to change. i know i'm still in there somewhere, and i know that she'll come back to the surface here soon. i can feel it.

i know i'm not alone. and to you other mama's going through something verrrrry similar to me, let me tell you what i need to tell myself more, just like that dang tear jerker of a johnson & johnson commercial says: "you're doing ok, mom".

here's to a week of more changes, more transition. another test of our adaptability, and resiliency. i love this family more than anything in this world. you are, by far, the most precious thing to me. you are my life. my heart. my world.

as we end such a special chapter here, thank you for helping me realize that i get to write my own story. i get to choose how to live this life. because you chose me, and i won't let you down.

love,

mama.