i have, at certain points in this pregnancy, questioned the bond i have with my sweet girl and if we're behind schedule a bit. i can remember with wyatt feeling so incredibly connected to him. i know a lot of that has to do with the whole first pregnancy thing - and not having to do ANYTHING when you get home after work besides THINK about your sweet bambino growing inside you. i get that. that's not lost on me at all.

but it didn't mean it didn't make me feel badly that my little lady and i just didn't have the same quality time together as wyatt and i did before he was born. i have been relying on that moment my eyes meet hers. that's when our real story begins. or so i thought.

i think our story really started this week. without going super deep, or getting really detailed, she and i have had a few moments this week. moments i needed. reminders that she's mine. and i am hers. i am here to protect her. love her. no matter what. as a parent you learn the true meaning of unconditional love. and as mamas - we get the honor of "mama bear-ing" out on occassion. as hard as they are, these were the moments i think we needed to experience. i believe that our relationship is quickly forming already. she's my little girl.

we saw her sweet face this week and i am happy to report she is a beauty. she already seems to look a lot like her brother. which means, she already looks  a lot like her daddy. which means, the odds of me getting a mini me in the physical form are looking to be slim to none. (damn you, strong jensen genes!)

she's perfect. and she's ours. and we're beyond lucky.

i am thankful for this week and for the lessons she's already teaching me.

the name game

we must say, "what about _____?" at least 3 - 15 times a day, depending on how much time we have together. for example, a typical work day consists of at least 2 texts per day of me throwing a name out there. this past week, we probably tossed a new name out every three hours.

and nothing seems to stick. why is it so much harder this time!?!?!? we can't seem to find "it". the most perfect name for our sweet girl. wyatt's name was easy. no questions. we knew it many moons before i was even pregnant. this time around, as it's been with many things, is different. we have names we like, a few we love, but nothing we are comfortable saying "that's IT!!!!!!' to. the list is getting longer and longer. the one name we thought we liked enough turned into a dog name. i heard about three dogs with the same name in one week and decided game on...

and i never thought we'd be that couple that gets all the way to the point of having our baby before naming her. are we really going to just take this list with us to the birth center, look at her and pick a name? "ahh, ok. she looks like a _______!" or, "i took one look at her and knew that her name had to be _____." or "well, honey - what do you think? _______ or ________?"

worse yet - what if we STILL don't have a name picked out when she's born?! what if we are driving home hours after having her still playing the fu*&ing name game!?

facebook post reads: "baby girl jensen has arrived. born last night at 9:09 pm, weighing 7 pounds. healthy and beautiful. still deciding on her name!"

it's possible. we've been tossing names around since nov 29th. you'd think we'd come up with something by now. nope. the game continues.

please wish us luck on landing on THE NAME by the time my water breaks. the girl needs a name.

the truth about round 2 >> part 2

it's honesty time. i know that part of this post is going to be real, and part of it is going to be hormonally challenged - like, stop being so hard on yourself already lady. but that's the honest part. it's what goes through this mind of mine these days. it's real stuff. it's probably a little dramatic. oh well. sue me.

last time i was pregnant, i wrote a letter a week to wyatt. i also wrote a blog post a week to him or about him the entire time i was on maternity leave. and if i remember correctly, i think for practically the first year of his life. did i seriously do that? holy f, i had some time on my hands. or i made the time.

apparently now, things are a bit different. this pregnancy has been a bit like riding one of those mechanical bulls. up, down, bumpy, sideways, a bit embarrassing, a lot unpredictable, anything but modest, and it makes you or makes you feel like you want to/need to puke your brains out. it comes with a hangover, and usually a pretty sore bod.

that's been me for about 25 weeks. good times. and it wasn't like this with wyatt. at least, i don't remember it this way. i know it was different. hello. i didn't come home to a second job every night when i was pregnant with him. i'd come home to a job - but it wasn't work. the job description consisted of eating, going pee, drinking water, laying on the couch, having a snack, going pee, getting a foot rub, going pee, and reading my US weekly before i conked out against a mound full of pillows while getting my back rubbed. poor me. not.

this time, i come home to my munchkin butt, who runs me ragged for the next 2.5 hours. by the time he's in bed, i am too. i catch up on a few texts, post a couple of pics on instagram, eat something that doesn't make me want to hurl, and hit the sack. i probably say about 2 full adult sentences to my husband every evening, trying hard to make them not work related. if it's a good night, i might talk to my mom on the phone. or sit on the couch with ty and actually ask him about HIS day. imagine that.

i've been waiting for that second trimester second wind thing... yah, not so much. i don't think that really happens with round 2. i think all of that energy is saved up for my little guy, and thank God for that. that's when i need it. i try hard after work to be present. to love on him, and not count down the minutes until bed time. that's hard. and i feel guilty writing that. but it's the truth. i am trying to have perspective and tell myself that if i think it's hard now, it's only going to be worse (not forever) when little chicky poo arrives. and there it is again - the guilt.

it's hard to rationalize when you are pregnant. your hormones don't really allow for that. makes for a lot of fun inner dialogue. but, i do know that with all of this bull riding, life is good. i am blessed. and i am doing exactly what i should be and want to be doing - creating our family. it's what ty and i were made to do. our marriage is the center of this thing - and i am one lucky knocked up chick. ty is the rock of this crew. the steady eddie. my solid. he is the one that reminds me why i am tired. why i feel not exactly like myself. or feel fatter than i did last time. he always knows just what to say, when to say it, how to say it.

i continue to live for the weekends - to make up for the 5 days of not really being present.... to reflect on my family - and how it has and will evolve. i do try to dedicate the moments before i fall asleep to my little girl. i can feel her sweet little kicks and movements - and i picture how she's positioned and what she likes to do in there. who she is and who she will become. how she will so shape and complete our family. how lucky i am to have a little girl in there. to have a daughter someday. to know, that i might be so lucky to have a friend in her - just like the friendship my mom and i have.

i may not have as much time to enjoy the moment, while preparing for what's about what's to come, but i do my best. balance is an impossible thing. i've learned that and i'm OK with it.

it's not about finding balance. it's about creating my own version of it.

and replacing those moments of guilt, with moments of peace.

family babymoom (no bikini shots for a reason)

this past week was filled with real, no supplement needed, vitamin D - thank you very much. we went away for 5 days - and it was just what this little fam needed. quality time with our little bug, a pool, the hot sun, gramma, unky, nana, popsie, and my ultimate fave - coffee bean.

you know that game where you go around the dinner table and say the high of your day and the low of your day. i'm going to try it now - minus the table. 

high of the trip: enjoying the small moments with wyatt and noticing how much he's grown up - all of the things he picks up on, how he communicates (grunts) with us, how observant he is... how much he loves his gramma and unky (the excitement on his face when he sees them is pretty much priceless -- ty and i never get this reaction out of him. it's like he hasn't seen them for days every time he sees them!). he's at the best age right now. and i am proud of myself for being in the moment last week - something i feel like i haven't done well for quite some time. 

low of the trip: hmm... how do i put this nicely without offending my sweet baby girl someday? hard not to just be honest with this one... being pregnant. feeling large and in charge. wearing tight swimsuits. feeling as if i was growing a baby in each arm. being tired. a lot. not being able to drink by the pool. being tired. feeling fat. did i say that already? 

i've got a couple of post topics i need to get out there -- 1. an update on the second time around (teaser: it's not as awesome as round one, i feel huge, and tired, and not in the moment, and guilty - a lot.) 2. naming this bambinette --- holy crap, what's our problem? we can't land on a name for the life of us. we named wyatt when i was negative 658 days pregnant. this time around, it's sooooo much harder. suggestions welcome at this point - we're just adding to the list.

hippity hop >> easter weekend in photos

i'm playing a super fun game of catch up on here (not). i feel like a lame-o lazy ass blogger these days -- but my justification is that i am trying to spend as much quality time with these wonderful peeps i am proud to call my family. i've done a lot of traveling for work the last month or so, and i am doing this weird thing called "building a baby" that is kicking my ass hard.

easter weekend was a hit. we had the best weather -- 70s and absolutely gorgeous. blue skies, a pretty yard, and some good old fashioned family and friend time. i hosted a bridal shower for my sister in law that i'd say was a pretty decent hit. we had an extremely relaxing easter sunday - split between jenkey time, just us time, and extended family time.

i'm doing uuuuuh lot of reflecting these days, knowing that this little tripod of ours is about to have four legs. i'm soaking in our little man as much as i can. it's a weird feeling knowing that this little routine we have, the one that took, oh i don't know, 17 months to get right is about to be changed up again. it's exciting. and extremely f-ing scary. anyone with me?

until we shake things up again in 3 months, i am going to get this (growing at a fairly large rate) ass in gear and write more - document these feelings (and fears) so that i can look back at this time and remember exactly what it felt like. i know i have these thoughts for a reason - time to get them out of my head (and into the blogosphere!? right...).