all week, ty and i have found ourselves saying, "who is this kid?". this kid, i tell you, is our little dream boat of a son who has made some serious progress in two major departments.

1. sleep.
2. carseat.

finally. finally. finally.

he slept from 11:30pm to anytime between 5-7am four times this week. and the carseat is a breeze now. he just does a little talking to himself and then he's out like a light.

we. couldn't. be. happier.

seriously one of my most favorite texts from ty. this one killed me. the best.  (of course we've ALWAYS LOVED our sweet boy!)

some of the highlights of the week? reading to little dude man. he's loving it and it's beyond fun to watch how into it he gets. here's a little video ty took as we read some dr. seuss! ps. man, i have a bad lisp here. pps. you'll have to pause the tunes at the very bottom of this page in order to really hear the squealing and hiccuping (and lisping from me).

and for the remainder of this multi-media post? more pics from my phone. seriously, what would i do without my iPhone? 

buggy

hi sweet little love bug. you are sleeping upstairs for what we hope is the night. we're getting there. we stopped swaddling you this weekend and started having you sleep on your side. seems to be working well... friday night i decided to put you on your tummy and that worked well, but we are thinking side is best now. friday night and last night have been little experiments. so we'll see how tonight goes for you little kiddo.

i love rocking you to sleep. tonight you were dozing off and as you relaxed, your binky dangled from your lips as you broke into little smiles. whenever you do this i feel like its your subconscious way of telling me you had a really good day. like you are falling asleep to little images of your day - funny faces your daddy and i made to you to get you to giggle. 

this past week your daddy went away for work and was away from you for the first time since you were born. we sure missed him. it was so cute to come home from work on thursday because you obviously had had the best day with him. when i came over to swoop you up you nuzzled into me and kept swapping looks between daddy and i. you'd look at him and smile, then over at me... then at him. then at me. it was like all things were right again in your little world again. putting you to sleep those two nights he was gone was hell. i'm just being honest. you couldn't settle down for the night. i really think it's because you missed your daddy. you obviously didn't really know-know that he was gone, but it was obvious that something was missing for you. it was like you were just waiting for something to happen. you were waiting for him to come home. just like benny does, who waits by the door the second he leaves and rarely leaves it until he comes home. (it always breaks my heart when he's gone for overnights because it's already bad enough that I MISS him, but to see little benny lay flat in hopes that he'll be walking in just any minute... now you!?) 

it's just the best thing watching you grow up sweet boy. you are learning so much every day. you are so smart. you are really starting to love being read to. auntie stayed over on tuesday night and ready you a few stories and it was so sweet watching how into it was. we added this to your bedtime routine and you melt my heart when you look between my face as i read back to the book - you go back and forth and it's like you really are following along. advanced i tell ya. you started growling this week too - another "i just want to eat you up, it's so cute" development. 

this working mama is doing ok. i sure miss you, but i'm busy and before i know it, i'm heading back home to kiss you, kiss you, kiss you. you are having fun with your daddy and i'm having fun getting back into the swing of things. i will tell you this, my time with you is so much more special now. i want to eat up every second with you - even the not so fun, crabby dab times where you test my patience. the weekends are sacred and i really do treasure our time together as a family. know that. 

ok, you seem to be sleeping pretty hard. it's my turn to settle my brain and hopefully get at least a three hour stretch of sleep in. i am sure i'll be seeing you around the 2am - 3am hour. if i'm "lucky". (love you!)

dear mama

i heard this song that's playing today for the first time and thought of you. you gave me this (not that useful but i love it anyway) gift to really listen to the words to songs. i love hearing a song for the first time and deciding if it means anything to me. we've talked about this before... how we only really like a song if it relates to us in some way. our favorite songs are the one's where we picture someone singing them about us. you know - those old boyfriend songs... the boyfriends we had in high school that we think still think about us that really don't. our next favorite songs are the one's we are singing to shitty ex's. these are fun too. of course we love the songs that make us think of each other.

one of my most favorite memories is of you, is with you, trev and i in the pine street house in the bedroom downstairs that ended up being you and dad's room but for some reason i think it was the workout room before that. you were in your 80s workout gear, and i feel like it was late. in my mind i feel like it was a friday night after a long work week for you and you wanted to get a workout in even though you were exhausted from the week (something i can now totally get by the way) but you still wanted to spend time with us. you let us stay up late. anyway, we were listening to genesis. and that one song came on... and i can't remember the name right now, but it was the one where it had the drum solo in the middle and you hit the floor with your hands perfectly to the beat of the song. i remember thinking it was so cool how you thought to do that. i remember this moment, just the three of us, every time i hear that song. and whenever it gets to the drum part, i picture you, barely late 20s, pounding the floor perfectly to the beat.

i'll always remember the summer before 4th grade. that was the summer we rocked out to reba mcintire. specifically, fancy. another song where i will always think of you and the windows rolled down in your red sentra as we sang as loud as we possibly could, driving trevor crazy in the back seat. we had the best time.

alanis brought us together when i was going through my awkward stage. whenever i hear iris, i picture you on the steps in the UP house the day after you dropped me off at western, crying because you missed me so much. sheryl crow was our third wheel my favorite summer home from college. katy perry has sure come through for us too.

i know this past 17 months have been full of mixed emotion. there have been very hard days, but there have been some pretty amazing ones too. you are graceful and strong. you are new. you are sparkling. own it.

love you.

p.s. congrats.

work it, girl

i did it. i went back to work. and guess what - it wasn't that bad. the anticipation of going back and leaving my little monkey was definitely a lot worse than the actual "going back" part. going back to work reminded me how much i love it. i am motivated by what i do and the people i work with are people i really like, and some i can even say i love. of course i missed wyatt, but he was with his daddy and if i got sad, it was simply because i missed him. i wasn't worried about him and i know the time he has with ty is so special. so many dads don't get to take some time off to be with their kiddo, so i am grateful that he does. and i know how much he is loving it. and... selfishly, i know he is also gaining some perspective into my world the last four months. it's not always rainbows and butterflies, that's for sure. (he even told me yesterday, "well, it's not as easy as i thought it was going to be. i give you props, babe.")

and like so many of you told me: balance is good for me. i need it. i am actually a better mama because of it. and, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. i totally appreciate my evenings with my family so much more. i also was more than happy to wake up throughout the night to feed the babe. i was excited to see him and i valued the time with him. after my first day back i came straight home and after an hour of practically suffocating him with kisses, he was exhausted - and so was i. we cozied up in our bed together and even though we slept, it was the quality time we needed after our first day away from each other.

advice for other mamas out there that haven't yet gone back, or will some day be in my same position:

• don't make your first day back at work the longest stretch you've ever been away from your little one. i had never been away from wyatt more than 4 hours. so the 10.5 hours away seemed like a lot, and it was. 
• show up at work when people are already there. i cried for an hour on day two because i showed up about 90 minutes before most of my team started getting there. it was too quiet and lonely and of course i started thinking about my boys at home.
• don't read texts or look at pictures or videos of your little one if you are feeling the least bit emotional. i did. such a bad idea. that's honestly what took me into my tail spin on thursday. 
• if you're nursing (a.k.a - boys reading, skip this as it's a little TMI), take the time to pump if you can (i know some jobs make it hard to do this, but if you own your schedule for the most part, block time off to do this each day). i am planning on pumping three times a day. i've learned it's better to pump more often for less time than less often for more time. i can pump for about 10 minutes at a time and so far, it's so worth it. (i'll feed wyatt before i leave for work, and immediately after i get home. he's only taking two bottles so i'm able to pump a little extra every day which is making me feel good about keeping my milk supply up.) 
• it's ok to tell people to not ask about your little one. they understand. and if they don't, oh well. it's better than your water works making things immediately awkward. (yes, this happened to me as well. someone i barely know asked me how i was doing in that "i feel really bad for you" tone and i started balling. fun.) 
• be prepared - it's hard to cram a full day of babe time into a few short hours in the evening. it's not the same. and if your sweet chickadee is anything like mine, the evenings can be "crabby time" around here. it was hard for me that first night to not take it personal. "he's cranky because i wasn't home today. he's cranky because he had bad naps and if i were home he would have slept better." it's not you. it's normal. there will be nights where you just don't see the smiley, laughy babe you missed all day. just as there were nights where they were in bed earlier than usual when you were home, they will do it when you are back at work too. especially if your little one is headed to day care. my mama friends who take their kiddos to day care have taught me a lot about this. they are so stimulated during the day that by the time they get home they are beyond pooped and in bed before the sun goes down. like, way before the sun goes down.

i am only working thursday and friday this week because ty has to travel for work. i am so glad that i get to be home with wyatt for the majority of this week and that i am easing my way back into work. working three days last week and two days this week has absolutely made going back easier. again, i love my employer. my boss is amazeballs. she gets it. thank god.

we had wyatt's 4 month appointment this week and it went great. he's weighing in at 14.8 lbs and is 27 inches long. he was 95th percentile for length, 30th for weight, and 70th for head. he got two shots - poor baby. but he handled them like a champ. the doc told us we could try cereal if we wanted (and because wyatt was showing some interest in food while ty and i ate in front of him) so we decided to give it a whirl tonight, and what a hit it was. with the first bite, wyatt mmm'd instantly. it was so freaking cute. he was totally into it. and i cried a little bit. weird.

this blog is shifting, i can tell. it's going to be about my little one, and my little family, but it's also going to be about the joys and struggles of being a working mom. i had a few new readers last week leave comments. i can't tell you guys how much i appreciate that. please, leave comments if you have advice or words of encouragement. they mean the world to me.

hey bug

i am going to keep this light, because as you know, sweet monkey, i go back to work tomorrow. well, maybe you don't know this but it's happening. we woke up to a light little dusting of snow AND sun today. i love when it's sunny on your monthly birthdays because i can get a good shot of you next to your W. i love this months picture. you continue to keep your legs up to your chest like a little frog so it's hard to see how long you are getting.

we'll know your 4 month stats tomorrow, but here are my guesses: 15.5 lbs and 27 inches long. i am guessing you are still in the 95th percentile for length, probably 50th for head, and 50th for weight. we shall see. i will be heading to your appointment right after work. you can bet i will be speeding to see you. tomorrow will go by fast because it's crazy at work, but it won't go fast enough. i already can't wait to see you.

you are doing so many new things at 4 months!

• you rolled over several times from tummy to back yesterday. finally! you did this in hawaii and then haven't done it since. now when you do it, daddy and i cheer like fools and you look at us like we're idiots. like, "what? oh that..." then we prop you back up on your tummy and you do it only seconds later and look at us waiting for the cheer. 
• i can't believe how smart you are. you catch on to our antics so quickly and then wait for them. i love coming at you and kissing your neck. you wait for it now and it's so stinking cute. 
• you are so close to rolling over from back to tummy. you kick your one leg up and stretch it so far that your get up onto your side. sooooo close! 
• you notice your feet now. you just stare at them. and watch them as you kick around. you love to stretch them up and out and stare at them in your swing. 
• you are really starting to love your swing now. it's so nice! daddy and i can make dinner together AND eat together now most nights! 
• you are such a chatter box. and you love to gurgle and squeal. it's spitty and cute and i can't get enough of it. 
• when you are being bounced to sleep you now moan along with us. hard to describe in writing but it's this moan/yell/fake cry. it's adorable. with every bounce you let out a moan and after about 20 of them, you are out like a light. 
• your laugh is more frequent than ever. i just started tossing you up in the air a little bit and you crack up. you laugh at daddy a lot too - especially when he comes in and touches his nose to yours. you love to laugh and squeal at that. 
• last week you sat in your car seat THE WHOLE TIME daddy and i had lunch at sushi zen. seriously a HUGE accomplishment there mr. we were so proud of you. full and proud! thank you buggy. 
• you had two car trips last week where you didn't cry in your car seat! yay! progress! 
• oh, and you can't keep your hands out of your mouth. if you can't tell by these pictures, you love your hands. and you still have no teeth to show for all of the drool thus far. (me and my boobs are ok with that by the way.)

ok little love bug, today is going to rock. happy 4 months to you sweet boy. 

yo' mama.

but i'm the mom

calling all working mamas. this chick is having a hard night and i need to hear from you. tell me it's going to be ok. tell me it's not as bad as i think it's going to be. tell me i will survive. tell me my baby is going to be just fine with three bottle feedings per day while i'm at work. tell me what i want to hear - but tell me the truth. i know it's going to be fine. i know wyatt is going to be MORE than fine. but i'm on the dark side tonight and while i can usually see the bright side just fine, tonight's another story. i know he'll be happy in the hands other people that love him. but i'm the mom. no one will ever love him like i do.

i see all of these stay-at-home mom blogs. and i love them. i'm obsessed with them really. like this one, and this one and this one... but where are the working mom blogs? you know, the one's where the moms who work also breast feed until age one, make their own baby food, and put their little one's in fuzzi bunz diapers? are these things still possible? i plan on doing two of those three things. (while i considered washable diapers, i couldn't imagine having my MIL worry about "my system" [put the diaper shells here, the inserts here, and don't forget to throw the liners here...] it just seemed like too much). i plan on breastfeeding as long as i can. and i plan on making my own baby food. i am not only planning on it, i want this for my baby. and if i want it, i will make it happen. but i am someone that looks to people for inspiration. super mom - are you out there?! send me tips. send me energy. send me peace.

i want it all. i want me time, marriage time, baby time, family time, friend time, etc. i know i can have it all but in smaller doses. i may have only added one element into my life 4 months ago, but that element is top priority. i make time for everything else because these things are important to me. balance is important to me. but here's the thing. four months ago, i swapped out one element for another - work for baby. things are different now. i've got this piece of my heart that i'll be leaving at home everyday. this little piece that's been with me everyday for over a year.

i wish i could bottle up wyatt's smell and take it to work with me. (even if i could do this i'd probably cry every time i opened up said bottle to take a whiff.) i wish i could stop time. (even if i could do this i'd probably only complain that i wish things would start moving again.) i wish i could go back to november 7th (you know, the day AFTER i pushed a baby out of my you-know-what... actually, i'd do it all over again tomorrow. best.birth.ever.) and do the last 4 months all over again.

i can say this: i enjoyed every second of my maternity leave. hey, pregnant friends: i've said this before and i will say this again. enjoy this time. the good and the not as good (because it's ALL good in the end) and promise me you will enjoy your time off with your baby. eat it up. drink it up.

and please, if you figure out a way to bottle it up, pass your trick on to me stat.