ok, i know i talked about the crazies in this post, but can we please talk about the random cry fest i find myself attending practically daily these days? i might as well have a stamp on my wrist and a fast pass in tow, because i'm riding the roller coaster over here - getting my money's worth... i guess.

perhaps we can go on a ride together?

i had one of those, 'oh wait, i am a mom now' moments on friday. one of those moments where you're a kid again, remembering something about your childhood. and then thinking about your own kid looking back on his someday.

and worrying that he might remember something not that great about you.

i had such an amazing childhood. it was amazing because it wasn't perfect. it wasn't your idyllic "hey we're happy all the freaking time" childhoods. that's what made it great. it is what made me me.

i so badly want wyatt to have a look-back-and-smile childhood. not a perfect childhood. i want him to remember how excited we get when he comes into the room after waking up from a nap, or how thrilled we are when he does something new for the first time. how proud we are of him. how much we love him. i mean, can we please find a new word for "love"? it's like love times infinity, times infinity again, with about a trillion rainbows shooting from it, with skittle down pours, chocolate waterfalls, and cotton candy clouds in the background.

i'm realistic. i know i'll screw up. i want him to see that i'll make mistakes. i'm counting on it. i hope i can teach him how to show people grace because i know i'll need him to show it to me. i hope i can teach him not only how to forgive, but how amazing it feels to say "i'm sorry". i hope i can teach him how to not take himself too seriously. how laughing at himself can be this weightless, deep, feel-good, natural high. its like breathing life back into yourself.

there's a lot i can control about what he experiences as a child, and a lot i can't. what i can't control, i can make up for in how i love. in how i influence. in what i teach. in how i lead by the best example i know how to be.

i will mess up. and i'm OK with that.

i'm OK with that because i know i'll always tell him i'm sorry.

still got it

it's only been 6 months since ty and i had an overnight, just us. the last time we slept in a bed together without a baby in it, next to it, or across the hall from it was november 5th, 2011. feels like just yesterday.

not.

we celebrated annie's 30th birthday yesterday afternoon and evening. it just also happened to be our three year anniversary today, so what better way to celebrate both then to take a night, just us, as adults. not mama, not daddy, not lady with a crazy eye, or dark circle eye dude. we had an afternoon and evening where we could be ty and jordan, the two people that fell super hard for each other 5+ years ago. the couple that said "i do" 3 years ago today. 

it was amazing. even the part where i happened to eat shit outside of tully's. after wine tasting and tequila shots. just before my favorite champagne flight at the purple cafe. 

right when i started to think i was [becoming just] this super serious wife and mom, i bite it. i fell hard. 

just like the day i knew ty was the one. 5+ years ago, ty walked into my house and i've never looked back. but there are days where i wonder if i've lost myself a little bit. i know i've grown up and i love how my life's experiences continue to shape me. but i think it's normal to wonder, after so much change and growth, are you still you? when i see this picture, i'm pretty convinced.... 

i still got it. 

i'm still me.

sometimes you have to fall on your ass, with your heart in hand, to know it. 

and if you're lucky enough to do it with your best friend by your side, camera phone in tow, you get to see it too.

older & wiser >> 3 years in

sunday marks three years, babe. three years!? seriously! i can't believe all that we have experienced together since we took our vows in maui. when i think back to those two people that stood in front of each other and kicked off their marriage, i think of two people that had only just begun knowing what love and marriage and true partnership meant. we knew what it was in only the way newlyweds can really know it. that pure, excited, can't-wait-to-call-you-my-husband/wife way. the butterflies-in-your-tummy, try-not-to-cry-the-ugly-cry way.

our love continues to evolve in the way i had hoped. i remember my vows to you and the words often come to me when i think about where we've been, where we are, and where we are heading. "This love will change with every perfect moment, every struggle, every loss, and every gain. Our love will grow into something we can't yet explain, but I know that it will always be our biggest win."

i'm so proud of us, honey. we have our moments, just like any couple does, but i see us as setting an example. i see us paving the way and teaching our son what love is. not just the unconditional love we have for him, but the unconditional love we have for each other. you set the example for him in how you love me. i know that he will be a great partner some day because he has you to look up to. i've always known that. before he was here, before he was ours, i knew you'd set the example for our future babies. 

we have a real relationship. we have perfect moments.like when we laugh so hard at the same things. or when we share a quiet dinner, without phones, without distractions. trips to the beach, with our sweet pups. like when we saw our baby for the first time. we have struggles - hard days, sleepness nights, stressful work situations, family drama. we've been blessed to not experience a lot of loss. we are lucky enough to see gains come into our life everyday - through new friendships, our work, our family. 

you continue to be my biggest win. 

thank you for a true partnership - something i can rely on and trust in. something i am proud of. something i'm excited about. something that's ours. 

happy three years. cheers to us. cheers to our future.

love, 

me. 

getting honest >> the crazies

i like to write a weekly post, usually on sundays, where i capture the week's events with our sweet boy. how much i love him. what i've learned about him. myself. this new life. one thing i haven't written much about is the god's honest truth about this transition. so much about this transition hits me months after the fact. you know, like the fact i pretty much have lost my marbles on a number of occasions since giving birth. and yes, even after losing my shit, i'm still married. my husband still loves me. i think. 

on wyatt's 6th day of life, i was your text book "i just had a baby, don't judge me, i'm absolutely nuts" chick. we'd had visitors every day and the only time ty and i had really shared just the two of us was during the middle of the night feedings. awesome. up until about wyatt's third day of life, those "feedings" were absolute hell. it was such a struggle to get wyatt to latch on those first 2 weeks. it was such an ordeal. an absolute cluster. when i first started, i didn't really have much to compare it to - other than those annoying breastfeeding videos that show a new mom in a silky nightgown gracefully feeding her baby while laying on her side taking a snooze. that was absolutely 100% not me. i was the sweaty, frizzy haired new mom taking deep breaths, trying her absolute best to not burst into tears as i tried the football position, then the cradle position, then the hang your baby upside down position... back to football again, only to end up trying the cradle position. (i was only kidding on the upside down baby position. that said, i would have tried anything that would have worked back then!) on that 6th day, i pretty much hit a wall. my milk came in on day 3 and by day 6 i was a wreck. annie stopped over with her sweet SIL and ali du right as my marbles not only spilled on the floor, they broke into a million pieces onto the floor and then inside the marbles were more marbles that broke all over the floor. i've never been that much of a wreck in my life. i couldn't get wyatt to latch. i felt like i was failing as a mom. i could barely talk. annie was there right when i needed her. as usual. she sat on the edge of my bed as i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. rubbed my leg and reminded me that all of this was so brand new to me - my body had been through so much, it was normal to be overwhelmed, i was doing an amazing job, that she understood how i was feeling, that it would get better. that it was OK to feel the way i was. she was right.

when wyatt was probably 8 days old, i lost my damn marbles again. it was monday. i laid down to take a nap and had laid wyatt down in his vibrating pack n' play bed thingy ma jig (pic above is actually from that very moment i believe). ty worked on his expense reports down stairs. when i woke up ty was gone. he didn't tell me where he was going. i texted him and he wrote back and said he had run to the post office and then was going to the gym. totally fine. um, ya. no. not that day. when he got home i gave him the silent treatment (mature) while my mom and annie were visiting. when they left i lost it. again. told him i couldn't believe he would "sneak out" like that. did he not want to be with us? was he trying to escape from this new life? was he not happy? i clearly remember the words coming out of my mouth: "i felt like you snuck out today. like you were escaping from us. do you not want to be here?!" i knew i was crazy. as i was talking, my brain was telling me "you are a freaking lunatic" but looking back now, the poor guy definitely didn't want to be there with this lady he barely knew, eff-ed up in the head chick that looked like his wife, but definitely was someone else. (please note, ty left without waking me up because i was going off about 90 minutes of sleep over the course of a 5 day period.)

something similar happened about a month later when he got home from work and wanted to go next door. i remember just yelling at him to apologize to me. he didn't know what to apologize for and i quickly spiraled out of control.

you get the jist.

crazy things happen to you when you have a baby. and as they are happening you feel yourself leaving your body. you feel words leave your mouth and you know you are losing your mind that very moment. but you can't stop. "it's the hormones" -- that's what everyone tells you.

so how do we explain this morning then?

ty washed a shirt of mine last night. a white shirt of mine. a $68 piece of cotton my grandma could have probably made if we're really being honest. he washed it with colors. in hot. he dried it on high. shit losing begins in 5, 4, 3, 2, and...

1. it's 6am, and i'm standing at the end of our bed while ty sleeps. i'm flailing the shirt around telling him how mad i am at him for washing my shirt. "DO NOT wash my clothes!"

good morning.

still crazy.

not sure how long these crazy hormones stick around, but i can tell you one thing. i think i might owe someone an aopogy when they get home.

perhaps for the last 6 months worth of crazy sightings.

having purpose

before i became a mom, i definitely lived a great life. i was lucky enough to meet the man of my dreams - someone who took me for who i was - loved me at my worst. i had amazing friends - people i easily considered my family. i had special memories - a fantastic childhood. unforgettable college years. incredible parents. grandparents that were my examples. a great job. a nice home. sweet puppy dogs. unbeatable in-laws. 

i sometimes picture myself wandering aimlessly when i think back to my old life. i'll sometimes ask myself, "seriously, what did you do with all of that time?! why didn't you do more!?"my whole being now centers around this little person that ty and i created out of the love we have for each other. he is my world. he is the beat in my heart. my oxygen. 

today i felt lucky. i felt lucky because my great life is now lit up with white christmas lights everyday because wyatt is here. i'm dancin' on sunshine every time i hear his giggle, smell his hair, kiss his slobbery lips, feel his tight squeeze around my neck. i love knowing he's mine. i love knowing how much he needs me. 

and most of all, i love that he gives me purpose. mother's day may be just another hallmark holiday, but today i was reminded to enjoy my new role, the membership i've earned to a club i knew i always wanted to be a part of. 

happy mother's day to my sweet mama - the one that taught me so much about this crazy life. the one i know would do anything for me. the one i now "get". i'm just as in love with my little guy as i know she is with us. you learn love from those that give it to you. for that i am grateful. i've lived a life full of love. 

and now it's my turn to teach it. 

halfsies

6 months ago, you were exactly 90 minutes old. i am pretty sure i was hunkered down on the bed while i cozied with gramma, auntie, and a cold yet absolutely delicious mcdonald's cheeseburger. you and your daddy were over by the tub getting to know each other. i was the happiest i had ever been in my life. i'll never forget those early moments with you. you were so tiny. so new. so incredibly loved.

every sunday i think back to those moments. i love that you were born on a sunday night. sunday nights have always been reflection nights for me - pre and post you, i'd always use sunday evenings to think back on my week, and look forward to the next. at about 7pm every sunday night, i settle down for the night. cozy into a book, my bed, a snack, or a bath. now, i find myself thinking about the sunday you were born and wonder if it will always be this way. will i always think about your birthday on sunday nights? i hope so. 

at 6 months old, you continue to amaze your daddy and i. most of all, we are still just so in awe of you. so proud of you. so proud of us. so happy. so blessed. so in love. you make us better. 

at 6 months...

• you've found your feet. you love to cram your toes in your mouth, along with anything else you can find.
• you don't have any teeth yet, but you seem like you're getting close. you've been sucking so hard on your bottom lip that you have a little bruise there now. and yes, that freaked me out probably more than it should of. chalk it up to my first time mama syndrome. 
• you are almost sitting up, but you prefer to stand. i have a feeling you aren't going to be much of a crawler. you've been standing up since your first week on earth. 
• you are such a little flirt - you love to smile and giggle at the ladies. 
• you've started taking your binky in and out of your mouth and i secretly love watching you put it in upside down. the confusion on your face as you start sucking on it and realize something just isn't right is priceless. 
• you love to sleep on your side, and still continue to wake up numerous times a night. we still love you.
• you're rolling over, but barely. not because you can't, but because you really could care less. you still only half stand being on your tummy - you much prefer your side. 
• you definitely know how to maneuver around in your bed. most of the time when you are playing in there (or your pack n' play) you make a 360 degree turn in there within the first 2 minutes of play time. 
• you love to be read to. your favorite books right now are "peek-a-who" and "sheep in a jeep". you get so into these books and i love watching you kick your little legs so hard at the turning of every new page.
• you are becoming such a big boy. even today, putting you down for your nap, you seemed so grown up. looking up at me as you tried your best to get cozy and fall asleep. you'd squeeze your little eyes closed, knowing it was ni-night time. 
• you are so chatty and you love to hear yourself scream. 
• you love to hold onto things yourself - already so independent. 
• you love your daddy. you look for him when he's not around. you try to get his attention every second you can when he is. 
• you love your jumpy. and you definitely have no qualms about telling us when you don't. 
• you definitely notice the pups. you reach for them, smile at them, and watch for them. 
• you think it's funny when i kiss your neck. you giggle and it melts me every single time. i could hear your giggle forever. 
• you love to be outside. i love watching you feel the breeze and smell the air. most of all, i love watching you experience new things for the first time. you notice every sound. every bird. every kid on their bike. 

there's a lot of things i don't know about being a mom. i'm learning so much about this new life everyday. but i know that time will continue to move at the speed of light. i know that my heart will always be bursting at the seams with love for you. i know there's nothing i wouldn't change. i know everything happens for a reason. i know i'll make mistakes. i know you'll love me anyway. 

on the days i feel like i could do better, all i need to do is look back to that perfect night 6 months ago and remind myself that i AM better. 

i am better because of you.

the bright side

i have a long commute. in the mornings, it's actually not that bad but on the way home it can take me anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour to finally pull into my driveway. since becoming a mama, there's a bright side here. i get about 45 minutes to myself, in a quiet place, listening to the sounds of my choosing. i have 45 minutes to transition from work-me to wife-me / mama-me. my brain shifts modes and as i do my best to wrap up the loose ends of my day in my head, i prepare for whatever i may walk into when i get home. i reflect on the day - the things i accomplished and of course, all of the things i didn't. i mentally check things off my list and add to an already long one for the day ahead. by the time i get home, wyatt is pretty much done for the day. it seems that i enter the scene right about the time he's hitting the low point of his day. after a few happy slobbery kisses and hair pulling yanks to cozy into him, i usually get a baby that's ready to hit the sack. he nurses, he crashes. sometimes for an hour, sometimes even for "the night" (i use this term lightly).

after about 20 minutes of being home, i found myself laying down my pooped out kiddo. he had a fun filled day with grandma, learning new things and making new sounds. it's on these evenings that i have the opportunity to reflect on my old life. what it was like to come home to a couple of dogs, a pair of sweats, and a non-barfed on t-shirt, and a slew of DVR shows to catch up on while i drank some wine and caught up on work. (now i would consider it "getting ahead" on work.)

my new life consists of me or ty scrambling to make a fast dinner, while i think about a new to-do list. this to do list usually consists of things like email lindsay back, call my mom, listen to my 4 day old voicemails, text annie back, text lisa back, and oh ya and - kiss my husband, pet my dogs, wash my face, brush my teeth, make bottles for tomorrow...

a.k.a.

be a good wife.

be a good mama - to both my baby and my pups.

be a good daughter.

be a good friend.

lately i kind of feel like i'm failing in some of these departments - especially the friend and daughter department. by the time i get home, i know i only have a few hours of awake time before my head and my body practically shut down on me, giving me no choice but to give in. never have the words "not enough hours in the day" rang so true to me. i live for the weekends - so i can try to earn some points back and bring those F's up to at least a mediocre C.

the bright side is that i'm living the life i've always craved - to be a wife and a mom, to love my job, to have a forgiving husband, understanding friends, and loving mama myself all allow me to ride this wave - loving the good days, along with the hard days. knowing that i'm loved, and giving myself grace all along the way.