sweet girl, how did it happen that five years flew so fast? you are in kindergarten now, and i just can't believe how you get more and more cool with each passing year. you really are the coolest. so warm hearted and confident. the perfect mix of sensitive and kick ass. silly and serious, smart and witty. each year, i come up with new words to describe you. the latest role you've taken on is that you are a big sister now, and just amazing at it. your natural instincts with shelby are so impressive. you are so nurturing. i guess you've learned a thing or two from all of your special baby dolls - cindy, cici (although, i don't know which one this is exactly -- it seems cici is the name that transfers to the babies you like for a few minutes each), and emma. you are quick to complete your tasks, and this past year in pre-k we often heard reference to you rushing through your work just to finish first. this has been you since you started to realize you liked to beat wyatt at any and everything you could. so, i am not surprised this is popping up at school too.

speaking of school, you started at a new one this year with wyatt. and the moment your daddy and i saw the classroom when we toured it, we knew this was your classroom. we saw the chickens, met flash, the classroom turtle and learned you'd be going on a field trip a month. you belonged in ms. ashmore's class and you are doing great. we're so proud of you. the way you write your little name melts me. your bestfriend mashita is in your class, and that came as the biggest and best surprise to us. when we decided to go the private school route, we had no idea your little bestie was on her way to the same school.

you started riding your bike full speed back in january when you saw wyatt get a shit ton of attention, and you learned how to swim this year when you needed to keep up with him, too. you are happy 99% of the time. you're getting a little tougher on us, but that usually only happens when you're tired. you still wake up early AF but it's getting better. you let me do your hair every morning while watching 'baby shows' on the ipad. the breakdowns aren't frequent and they don't last forever, but they are like a tornado when they show up. we all take cover and hide until it's passed. it's best for everyone.

you are still charming beyond belief, and if that doesn't catch the attention of anyone you make contact with first, it's your smile and your big heart. your hugs still rock, and you are desperate to keep us in your room at night for as long as possible. you pull out all of your charm, and you won't give up until you know we're about to lose our shit if you don't let us leave your room without a fight. you know your limits. you still start each day with daddy and a bowl of cereal. you have the most amazing sense of humor and lately what you tend to crack up at is shelby. there's something about her expressions, or her toots, that send you into an uproar of laughter. i want to never forget you laughing so hard when we did solids with her for the first time jus last week. she gagged, and you couldn't handle it. you were dying. you even said, "my heart is laughing so hard" and then you ended up with hiccups. she cracks you up.

you make us so happy, honey. you are the best. the best daughter. the best little sister to wyatt (still challenging him to the max). you are the best big sister to shelby (a total natural little mama). you love us with all you have. you live your life like i hope you always do - full speed ahead, hair blowing in the wind and always smiling.

happy 5th year beautiful, strong girl.

love,

mommy

for wyatt - my teacher

buddy,

it's almost been 7 years since we met. 7 years since you made me a mama. i had no idea what i was doing back then. and guess what? i still don't. at least with you. you and i cross bridges together for the first time, practically daily. and sometimes those walks together are sunny walks across, not a cloud in the sky. sometimes we're skipping, holding hands, laughing and it's quite literally a walk in the park. other times, it's pouring rain, you're crying, and i'm yelling to hurry up. we've had lots and lots of changes the last year. especially the last 6 weeks - lots of firsts. first grade started 6 weeks ago, new routines, new school, new teacher, homework (lots of homework!), reading, and more questions about how things work and why coming at us like darts. you are so curious and inquisitive. i think it's my favorite thing about you. you are very into lights right now, and really anything electric. you love learning how things work. (in hawaii on our third night, you let curiosity get the best of you when you touched a hot floor can light. oh my gosh, you poor guy. we felt so bad for you, little love.) you have really grown up and as i write this, i realize i haven't written you a birthday letter in a bit. crap.) you are protective, and kind. you are the sweet boy at school, i can just tell. when we'd ask your teacher Ms. Lisa (you had her for two straight years!) how you were doing in school, or when we'd meet with her at conferences, she'd always cock her head and her tone said it all. she really loved having you in her class. you are a natural leader and you love playing family and school with summer. you set up your room, her room and the playroom as classrooms most of the time, and get out all of your stuffies and dolls and bring them to school and do classroom things that you've learned while being a student yourself. you are just beginning to read after it started to click late into kindergarten in may/june. you have a tendency to gravitate towards numbers - clocks, watches, calculators are your jam. you learned to ride your bike this past year and swimming really clicked for you last june. you were a total pro this past summer. my most favorite thing about you right now is how much you love shelby. oh my goodness, are you obsessed. there are definitely times where i need to peel you off her and i know it bums you out when i do. i don't mean to hurt your feelings when i do it, but personal space isn't really a thing you require so we're doing our best to teach you that those you love the most do. god, i love you. you are sensitive and spirited. that's the best way for me to describe you right now. your feelings are hurt easily, and it seems even the tiniest re-direction can throw you over the edge. you've also gotten so much better at rolling with it, but your tendency to hate surprises is something i can totally relate to. i get it. believe me. we like to know what we're doing, when we're doing it, and why. must be a scorpio thing?

lately we've had more sunny walks, at least i'd like to think so. lately i've had glimpses into your big kid sense of humor. i think we connect most when we see summer do something silly and for a laugh. you are maturing in what you think is funny. that said, i did stumble upon a book you made last week called "poop and pee". there were pictures inside of a smiling poop, similar to the poop emoji but with it's own charm. it also had a picture of a stick person peeing but their privates looked more like a crescent moon than an actual penis. (you'll take any opportunity you can to write the word poop. last year, on a cold day, you wrote "poop" on the slide at school and all the kids gathered around it to laugh with you - until ms. lisa joined the crowd and apparently blood rushed to those sweet little cheeks of yours just in time to apologize.) we've been able to spend so much time together and your love language has to be physical touch (hugs, kisses, tickles, you name it) and quality time (can you read with me? play with me? sit by me? go with me?) but it seems there's never enough time for you. i am not sure you're every really satisfied with what you get from me. that's ok. most of the time. sometimes i feel so guilty about not being able to drop it all and just be with you, "and only you" as you've recently began to say. but kid, i'm not sure you've ever had this much time with me. even when i was on maternity leave with you (and only you), i wasn't as focused on you. i didn't know how to be in the moment with you kiddos like i do now. it takes practice to be in the moment, and i can easily say that's been the one thing i've been working on solidly since you were born. we've had some dates the last few months and i can tell our time together fills your love tank. when you're acting out i know it's because you need time with me. focused, in the moment, time. sometimes we'll play legos together, which usually means i'm watching you play legos. the other night i laid on your bedroom floor with you as we listened to stone soup together and you memorized the words so you could "read" the book to me. you'd keep me to yourself forever if you could. it's hard now, but i know someday when you just want me out of your way, i'll miss this terribly. 

i've been feeling bad about the harder walks the last couple of days - and i need to get a few things off my chest. not for you to understand from me now. but later on. whenever you read these letters to you that i've been writing for 7 years.

there have been some harder moments lately. times i've been extra hard on you. where i hear myself coming down hard. and your little face is broken. i don't want to break you. ever. there have been two situations the last couple of weeks where i have messed up. i've broken you down. the first was a couple of weeks ago when daddy heard you call summer "a little bitch". i lost it. i didn't even hear it. i wasn't even there. but daddy told me and instead of just asking you what you said calmly first, i immediately jumped on you about what you said. come to find out, you genuinely didn't know you said it or what you said, or what it even meant. i was questioning you so immediately, and so aggressively, you didn't know what to say to me. looking back, i did nothing to make it easy on you to tell me the truth. but you sure as hell tried. you continued to say you didn't say that but i didn't believe you. it wasn't until your eyes told me that i was wrong. my approach was wrong. you may have said it but you didn't know you said it. and you didn't even know what i was talking about. you just knew you were in trouble and that i was mad. at you. and it came out of nowhere. you didn't deserve that. i messed up.

the other time was last week when you forgot to turn in your homework that we worked on for most of the night before. you are 6.5 and you forgot to turn in your homework. you would have thought the world was going to end when i found out you forgot. i don't know why my expectations of you are so high sometimes. maybe it's because i have high expectations of myself. maybe it's because you not turning in your homework felt like a reflection of me. like i wasn't doing my job. like your teacher would judge me or think i wasn't doing my part to set you up for success. maybe, in this case, it was because we worked so hard on it together the night before, and i was proud of us that we got it done. together. so when you didn't turn it in, it felt (unfairly) like it was all for nothing. all i know for sure is that i was ridiculous. afterwards, i was mortified at my reaction over this and we sat down and i said i was sorry and i couldn't help but cry. sometimes that's all i can do. apologize, hug you, and sometimes cry.

i hate that you get these raw first moments from me where i am the rookie reactive mom. not the loving patient mama i strive to be. some days are hard but god i hope you remember the best days too. i'm ok with being this way, sometimes, if it means you can see that i'm not perfect and that i can say i am sorry when i screw up. i want you to learn how to show me and others grace, and love, even when the shittiest sides are shown to you. because honey, people aren't perfect. we are constantly learning and growing. we are always doing things for the first time and sometimes we do those things well, and sometimes we don't. and it's ok. i need you to love me despite myself. maybe i need to love me despite myself, and getting this off my chest is more for me than you.

you always say you want to be a teacher when you grow up. you already are. you are my teacher, and i've never learned more from anyone than you. someday, when you read these letters, i hope i make more sense to you. i hope you read them and know me better and love me harder.

love you always, my forever first. my teacher. my heart.

mommy