dear wyatt >> consider my stars thanked

dear baby,

you scared this mama tonight - big time. sometimes you get super cozy when you nurse before bed. and you eat too much. tonight, you did just that - so i thought. i got you ready for bed - diaper changed, jammies on, sleep sack zipped. you clung to me tight as you had your before bed "snack" and drifted off to sleep. just as you were about done, you swallowed wrong and practically barfed up half your meal all over yourself, me, the bobby and the carpet. our night time routine was interrupted - to say the least.

lights on, i stripped you of your night time garb and put you in new jammies and laid you in your crib. i got cleaned up, and as i came back in and started digging in drawers trying to find our other boppy cover, i heard this strange sound. i couldn't place it. and i was looking around trying to figure out what it was, it only took a millisecond before i saw you. on your back. bright red, almost purple, choking. i heaved myself over to you, flipped you over and patted your back, and swung you up to me. my heart was racing. my head was spinning. i could barely breath as i talked to you. "oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. you scared me. i love you so much. you scared me." i called for daddy and when he came up i could barely get the words out. i could hardly hear past the sound of my loud as thunder beating heart. as i mustered out the words, trying to describe what just happened i burst into tears... out of fear, and gratefulness. i know my reaction totally startled you because you instantly started crying when you saw me freak out.

i will never get that image out of my head. how quickly life can change. how if i wasn't there, in that moment, we could be having a very different evening. i can't even go there.

you scared me. i am sure i scared you.

we're even. no more of those. deal?